Rob,

You have the self control I seek lol. No contact except for business with me  but I get fired up at stuff I imagine he's doing all the time. I am trying so hard to be more like you!

The way I usually talk myself out of it is to remind myself how nice it is to NOT HAVE him in my life and that means no info, no contact and flushing the toilet for good.

I just admire your self control. I sense it in everything you author. So nice.

Judy

Rob,

Wow I can identify with your comment about your home at this point morphing into a wonderful place full of love now. I always thought this beautiful home was a hell hole because of the torture I was put through in the marriage. It wasn't the home at all!!!! It was him! My home is calm, full of fun and happy little dogs and me. I just love it! Amazing the difference.

Judy

Lost dad,

Gather recent evidence and print what you can off of FB before she deletes it. File it for now. None of what your ex has done that far back would be relevant. Here and now with anything relating to her being neglectful or stating things to your children about you with the sole purpose of trying to damage you to them. As much as we'd all like some consequences for the other party, it's unlikely to occur. That's what makes me so angry as well. Judges are used to one spouse trying to damage the other in custody issues. They are intolerant of either obvious revenge attempts or laboriously going into old stuff. I do believe the opportunity for you to seek a revision in custody will eventually present itself. If not, then fine but I think it's likely. Do remember you've been through hell already and no shared custody is perfect. Taking on the notion you can make it perfect will exhaust you, your money and disturb your healing from all this. You can't move on ahead. Decide if it's good enough as it is or you need to take it on and pay the price. It's not quick or cheap to do. Collecting evidence can also disturb children. They know when it's a war between Mom and Dad and they are the subject. I have a question for you. Is it this particular woman you are angry at because you think she destroyed your marriage? If your ex dumped this one, would another new woman in her life result in the same anger? You have to keep in mind, if she's not with this one, it will be another woman but never you. It took me months of therapy to realize it wasn't the man he is hooked up to. It's that he's Gay and he duped me for decades. I believe mine cheats on the other man as well. He can't be faithful to anyone. I hate cheaters, liars and inconsiderate people. That's what they are.

I'm on the West Coast of the USA. If this gave you any relief, then I am delighted to help.

Judy

Last edited by Judy (January 20, 2017 4:06 am)

lostdad, you'll hate hearing this and apologies if it hurts your heart.   It's likely your kids will never tell you that they enjoy being at their Mom's if they know the truth of how angry you are and how much hate you are holding for your ex-wife's girlfriend.  Kids are kids.  They enjoy playing with the other child because at the end of the day they are children.  They hopefully have a sense of what's going on but don't have anywhere safe to process everything they are feeling.  They won't tell you what's going on over there or that it's ok to be there, because they love you and they know you are hurting.  Also, they may be fearful that you would become more upset---even at them.  

How old are your boys? Please please please keep reinforcing with them how much you love them.  Tell them.  They need to hear it.  It is not their fault this is happening and kids during any divorce get put in the middle.  In these extra special cases we are part of (thanks, spouses), kids have to learn to keep secrets to "protect" their parents, and themselves.  

The palpable anger you have towards this woman is understandable.  But your kids are watching.   If their mother chose to be where she is, do you want the message to your boys to be that their Mom is also all of the things you speak about?  That is going to cause a lot of pain and suffering for the boys to believe that their Mom is also an adulterer, cheater, sinner, etc.   It takes two to start a relationship, and it takes two to break up a relationship.  Your wife made a choice.  Your focus on the other woman ruining your life is understandable, but it is also the woman you were married to that made those choices.  And at the end of the day, she is still the mother of your boys. 
The more anger you have toward the situation, the more your boys will feel it.  Kids see everything.  Is there a counselor or religious therapist you can talk to about this?  It seems your faith is really important to you, and perhaps you'll find comfort focusing on the healing that can occur when you fixate on your love for the boys and stop hitting a wall where you want to control things.  You can't.  You'll destroy yourself in the process, and the boys need you. 
I see you live in Michigan.  I do too.  There are tons of spiritual based divorce support groups.  Maybe you can find one that would help you get this anger out so you begin to feel better with some support of others sharing the anger at an ex, but also have kids to love and raise.   Or, go to the batting cages, or the driving range.  Or to Chuck E Cheese to play Whack A Mole.  Those always worked for me.  
You say you believe you could be friends with and co-parent with your ex.  Putting the other woman (and the belief that she alone caused your marriage to break up) aside, focus on that.  Focus on your boys, and what they need to grow up healthy and happy.  It's clear they are such a light in your life.  Create things to do that are just yours with them--outings, fun "Dad" stuff.  It will help, I promise.  When the boys are at their Mom's, call them to say hello and talk briefly with them.  Do something--anything--to keep you occupied and your mind free of what is going on over there that you can't control.  Call a friend.  See a movie, Netflix binge.  The more you focus and fixate on it, the worse it will be for you (and your boys).  
I'll challenge you, lostdad.  Since we are both Michiganders, tell me what you plan on doing the next time the boys are at their Mom's, to be good to yourself.  How will you spend your time?  Stewing in anger or moving forward?  To quote the beautiful MLK, "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
You can do this.  Everyone on this board is here for you.  You are a good person.  You matter.  
As Elsa would say, Let It Go.....
I promise, love feels so much better than hate. 
Sending virtual hugs

It's been a couple weeks since I've updated.  Things have changed so much!!!

That last time I posted was just after my kids went to be with Mom for the first time in her new home. I was absolutely furious because she invited her lover to be there with her.  But at the same time I was feeling the amazing relief of having her out of the house and away from that stress. 

Fast forward almost 4 weeks..
It feels like 6 months since she moved out.  I don't miss her a bit.  I still struggle with memories of our past and every once in a while if I have a bad day or something crazy happens I get the urge to reach out to her for support.. Like I always did in the past.. but that's just a habit thing now.  So I don't reach out. 

I did contact her to ask if we could talk.  I want to reconcile with her.  I want to get an apology.  I want to move toward forgiveness.  She told me not to contact her unless its about the kids.. so yeah.. it is what it is. 

Her lover's divorce went final last week.  That triggered me for a day.. but then i got over it..  The only thing I care about is keeping her away from my sons, but I 'm starting to realize that I just can't fix that.. so I will have to let it go. 

I'm going on a vacation to India.. leaving mid-week and coming back toward the end of Feb.  This will be an amazing chance to recharge, get away from my old life, and come back to a new one.  I can't wait. 


Something hit me a couple weeks ago..  I realized that I no longer was desperate for a woman's touch to heal me and soothe me.  I didn't need a stranger to fill the void so much..  I realized that as I considered the idea of having someone new it was now for a different reason.  I missed giving my love to someone else.  I miss sending random text messages to check in and see how her day is going.  I miss having someone to bring a flower home for.  I miss being able to listen to her tell me how her day went.  I just miss being able to put a smile on someone's face.  

Maybe I'm still being naive and hopefully I'm not a horrible rebound threat, but I feel like I'm ready to start meeting someone new.  

Here's the craziest thing..   I have had an account for a while on a dating site.  I never reached out to anyone.. it was just for "shopping".  that sounds horribly crude, I'm sure.  But I found incredible therapy in looking at women's profiles and seeing their pictures and thinking that someday maybe I would be lucky enough to find someone like that.  Anyway.. I had a few people send me a smile, but nobody actually tried to message me.. until Friday.  I've been trading messages with the most incredible woman.  She's just too good to be true.  I'm keeping my eyes wide open and being very careful and intentional and not rushing into things..  I know better. 

But I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to have some hope for a new relationship.  To feel like someone is interested in me.  I cannot describe how good it feels.   After what has been 5 years of stress, 14 months of fear,  7 months of utter depression.    To feel some optimism and excitement..  it's just amazing.