Jen,

I've dealt with my Gay narcissist for 46 years. I led a very busy professional life and had bits and pieces of evidence but never put it all together until this year when a pre paid cell cropped up, he kept coming home with jockey shorts full of crap and finally, a man he's been with for 16 years called and told me. There were decades of no sex and distance with him attempting to live as a single man with significant secrets. I'm unsure whether you and the kids still reside with him. If you do, the next time he tries to bully you, call his bluff. Tell him you'll call the police. Narcissists don't like being exposed and losing control. It ends their game and they simply discard you which in this case is better for you and the kids. If he's living with you at this point, don't antagonize him into a fight but be firm. The marriage is over due to his now confirmed sexual preference and subsequent abuse. Tell him it's game over and you don't wish any kind of interchange other than moving toward a divorce and coparenting the kids. Be distant and cold or matter of fact. Once he's not getting what he needs as fuel, he will give it up thinking he can't win. Mine got me into a headlock and whispered things in my ear until I called the police and filed a report. That never took place again because he knew I'd have him arrested. My next step would have been a restraining order which would have been immediately granted due to previous physical abuse. At that point and with a restraining order, mine couldn't live in our home anymore or he would be violating the order.  He didn't want that to occur-bad for the narcissistic ego.  With regard to the judge, that's not something that would ever stick in the USA anywhere. Otherwise anyone who didn't want the divorce could delay it in this way. Eventually, your Gay husband will have to retain a lawyer or at the very least respond. Press your attorney to move this ahead after about 2 months into it. I am a lawyer but family law is not my chosen focus.  One very wise thing to do when dealing with him. Keep a distance away from him when you speak. Keep about 10 arms lengths between you and him so that if he lunges at you he is unable to reach. A detective advised me to do this and I did. NEVER put your children in between you or in front of you as you speak to him. He could lunge at you in anger and injure them. Call the police if one more physical event occurs. No exceptions. Mine realized he couldn't do it to me without consequences. Narcissists are bullies. Again, once he discovers he can't intimidate you anymore, he's going to give up and agree to the divorce. Good luck!  I am here for you anytime. You can private message me or post. I will always be on late at night and will respond.  I can offer you one last experience that might give you some satisfaction. I threw my Gay narcissist out on March 5, 2016. He rented a truck and asked me to help him load it. I knew it would get rid of him faster so I did help. He dragged his feet all afternoon loading the truck at a snails pace and when I discovered he was stopping to text his Gay lover, I developed super powers and dragged his bed down two flights of stairs myself and threw it out onto the front lawn of this several million dollar house for all the neighbors to see. I put his clothes and the rest in garbage bags and threw all of that out front as well. I was more angry and more motivated than ever to scrape the SOB off after he disrespected me by involving the Gay man that interferred in the process. Suffice to say, I have not kept his secret at all.I believe everybody needs to be held accountable for their choices. Being Gay is a fine choice UNLESS it destroys the life of a straight spouse. That is unforgiveable and selfish.  Hiding them out only fuels their selfishness. Life after him was murky and initially full of sorting out things in my mind and home but I kept at it and it's WONDERFUL. After 11 months I am still sad, angry and lonely some nights but I am working hard to step out of it and not allow it to be such a pattern for me.  Life without my Gay husband is authentic and peaceful. Glorious. No lies, no shitty jockey shorts. No guarded pre paid cell. NO SECRETS! No hearing him get up in the night to hookup online privately while I slept and there is goodness in my life everywhere. I will never tolerate a liar in my life ever again. I take full responsibility for allowing this to occupy so much of my 66 year life. I've learned.
Judy

Last edited by Judy (January 18, 2017 1:35 am)

Rob,
To clarify about getting him actually removed from the home. Several  events would have to come first. Physical abuse or threats of harm which involves a police report for verification and then a restraining order. Once she obtained a restraining order even if temporary, he couldn't live there because it would violate the order. 

Judy

Last edited by Judy (January 18, 2017 1:15 am)

Mine is manipulating the kids as well. As soon as I had the nerve to start dating, it took exactly 1 week for her to start texting me that my daughter cries and doesn't want to go home with me. She also likes to tell me that I'm driving her away and she'll decide to live with her. I've had to tell her off and be plain "you will stop trying to take my daughter away from me. I will fight you in court over this". It doesn't work all that well because she's nuts.

Gay narcissists are accomplished spin artists. They lie with ease and they are good at it. They also have no morals or decency and they WILL use children. Nobody who knows my ex thinks he lies. He's that good at it. Even some of my close girlfriends had trouble grasping all of this. I offered proof to one of his friends who attacked me verbally. He said he was floored. Never knew he was capable of such elaborate lies and secrets.  Those that knew us as a couple just couldn't grasp the fact he choked me or came home with jockey shorts full of crap from Gay hookups. This was regular and he kept clean underwear in his truck. I took a photo of it and showed a few of my girlfriends. Just one of the nicer aspects of this reality. 

Jen,

I think he is love bombing you or hoovering?  Gaslighting is that horrible feeling of him trying to make you look like your crazy through lies and other ways.   The terms matter little..he sound like he's doing all of them.

Ok so  my kids dont know but then they have not turned against me yet.   There seems to be some morsel of honor left in her I think in that we agreed not to involve the kids in our cold war  
I think this subject is one of the most hard and evil in a divorce.   In one of my rare "discussions" with her I had to point out that we should be on the same page in terms of discipline.    But like other people here I'm dealing with some one that is crazy..  She sides with the kids if they tell her dad did xyz..its like having another teenage kid.  She  could  put them against me at anytime..nothing stopping her.

I try to be a myself and good dad.  I hide the tears and hurt..my kids are doing their best.    We need to be stoic and consistent for our kids..kids need to us calm, cool and steady.. To use the kids in anyway is cruel and evil.     They kids  don't want to favor/pick mom or dad...they want both..  to deny them that ..one needs to be truly a bad person. 

I hope your gathering strength Jen. and detaching from this narcissitic spouse of your. (observe don't absorb).  I would say just be the best and most consistent mom you can be for the kids..   These narcissistic  spouses are too into themselves to put the kids first..someone needs to be a stoic rock for them.   I truly believe kids believe more of what they see and much less of what they hear.  My kids watched me get treated like crap...I cut them slack now but they will not see me abused anymore..

 

Last edited by Rob (January 18, 2017 8:52 pm)