I am so sorry that you had to find yourself here. It's a board/club that none of wanted to be in but have unfortunately found ourselves to be members.

Take a moment for yourself and think of what you really want. Your husband has had a lot longer to process himself and is probably ready to live his new life while you are only about 4 weeks post disclosure and it sounds like you were completely blindsided by his disclosure and that you had no suspicions. Take the time to figure out what what you want and how you see your future. Has he told you exactly how he wants to live his life moving forward?

I have 2 young kids as well (19 months and 4.5) and I am just so thankful that they they are young. I think it would have been harder if they were older. I still worry everyday how this will
Impact them but I hope they will grow up and just accept the way things are.

The more we talk the more I realize this is truly new to him. He started to feel these urges and before really acting on them he told me. Said he only dressed once before telling me. I doubt it was once, but as this unfolds im starting to see the truth in it..

He said he wanted to save our marriage from the lies and secrets by bringing me in early, but even admitted today that it was a mistake. That he should have waited till he knew what he actually felt. To determine what he needed.

Now we're in this place that he doesn't know what is what. He doesnt know how he feels other than this pink fing fog that seems to take over.  Today I was honest. Probably too honest. Saying that I feel like I got hit by the cross gender bus and it shattered my life and now I find myself still in the road waiting for another bus.. Will it be trans bus will it be gay/bi bus I dont know... But since he didnt explore his secret, im now faced with this ambiguous situation. But I do know... I'll always be waiting for another bus.

While there werent years of a secret, limited lying, I see how my questions are things he has yet to even think about for himself. He has no research no communication with other like minded people. And while today at first like all material problems we talked honest to figure this out I realize this is unhealthy. I do need distance. I do need boundaries. And hes dealing with some newly surfaced emotions and is drowning trying to figure himself out.I can not help him...

He agreed to seek out a therapist and I will do the same. We talked that hes not allowed to wear my clothes and when he comes to bed he cant wear panties. Our daughter is not to see anything and our conversation need to remember she understands more than we can anticipate.  We agreed to be open when the other one needs to set boundaries or request something but that for now I need limited exposure and we should deal a bit more separately. If not completely separately.

I have been reading all the other similar posts and while im not going to defend him that he isnt selfish. I see him struggling to make sense of it all.  He treats my comments with reapect and absorbed them.  He is treating this as im an equal in this. And while I am broken that he couldn't just be happy and content with our little life, I hate to know he is still struggling. If he had it all figured out itd be easier to hate him.

These last few weeks I have thought of how this changes my life and that I cant begin to know how to deal with it cause he doesn't even know what he is asking for. Today I realized how messed up it is cause he had no idea. Either that or hes not ready to admit it to himself.

I dont know what I would be able to find happiness despite of. But one thing I cant shake is that this isnt just clothing and one day he's gonna say hes a women.

Looking back im pulling everything apart. Was our relationship so great because I fell in love with a women who thought he was a man and never questioned it UNTIL NOW. How could someone be so disconnected to themselves.

im sorry this is all over the place I just cant believe I feel the sadness I feel...  thank you for the support its the only thing keeping me together. I feel so weak and ashamed that this is my life. I thought we were happy...

Katie,
 Ask yourself this: in what sense could your husband have "really" been a woman?  There's no credible scientific evidence of a "lady brain." He has the biology and socialization of a male.  He's lived as a male.  
How does a male/man "know" what a woman feels?  thinks?  What he knows, right now, is that he wishes he were a woman, and that he has the urge to feminize himself.  But femininity does not make a woman, either--femininity is a set of behaviors and clothing and gestures that can all be "put on" on "taken off."  

 Don't be ashamed.  You did nothing wrong.  You reacted to what you saw and what you were told and to the cues he gave you.  The sadness, yes.  I so understand it.  I would give anything not to be in the position of having to divorce my husband.  But if he's more committed to pursuing his goal of "feeling like a woman," wearing women's clothes and feeling sexually excited by it and taking selfies of himself in his lingerie and spending inordinate amounts of time on doing his nails, and feeling sorry for himself tha the can't go public because he doesn't "pass," then there's nothing I can do.  I can't make him turn his attention to the woman he's married to instead of the one he imagines he'd like to be.  Maybe your husband will see a therapist whose orientation on gender dysphoria is not to treat it by rushing him to "transition."  That's the best you can hope for--but he has to want that, to treat it not by assuming that because he has it he's "really a woman" and transitioning will solve his problem.  Research says it doesn't.