"..Am i supposed to be grateful and just forget about a real marriage and true love and share my husband with whom ever he chooses? ""

No,  I don't think God had us marry for that reason..    No..   Just no.


"Who would want a sexless disabled old woman who cant even support herself anyway......"

I never wanted a woman that could support herself..  But I did want a loyal and faithful woman.  Sex yes..it seems a given.   Are you sure your sexless because of you or because your spouse mad sex terrible in his dislike of woman?

So sorry Cat  but even if your disabled you did nothing wrong.   This is not your fault.

Hi Cat,

I found out at 16 years, too.  I'm not sure what it is about that number.  I'd think maybe it was more related to the age of the individual who's been holding in their sexuality all these years, but I'm not sure that's it, either.  My was wasn't even 40 when our whole thing blew up.  Maybe 16 is the year of apathy?  I dunno.

I'm really sorry to hear about your circumstances and how limited you are.  But more than that, I'm really dismayed to hear how much your physical limitations are making you feel like you have no emotional options here.  Like physically limited = emotional desert / no choices.  And that.... sucks.  I mean, realistically, most people looking for love want the most available to them - an able-bodied person who has no limitations.  However, that's only one part of a person.  And even people who aren't considered disabled have limitations.  I'm 46 and overweight with horrible knees - one already replaced and the other on the slow decline toward that.  We should all go to a themepark!  No,... Mom can't walk all day like that.  Let's go sleeding!  Are you kidding?  mom can't get up and down the hill.  Let's go on a hike!  Ummmm.... NO.  Remarkably, my family never complains.  They are quite used to my limitations and it's just part of their life.  My new sister-in-law is beautiful, young(ish), thin, healthy, fit.  But horrifically allergic to nuts of all kinds.  So much so that even making all food from scratch isn't good enough - one of the food ingredients (even spices) might have been processed in a plant that's not considered nut-free.  And then she'll go into anaphalactic shock and need to go to the hospital.  You can't just order take-out pizza or go out to dinner at any old place.  It's a complete lifestyle.  I'm sure my brother wasn't looking for that.  But he fell in love with her.  And he'll deal with the nut allergy.  Because he loves her and if that's the cost of being with M, then so be it.  So please don't think you're lucky to have found someone to put up with you.  If he's not more than willing to do what it takes (even if it's hard or tiring) because he adores you, then you haven't got anything in him that you can't get elsewhere.  You're lucky if you found someone who cherishes you and adores you DESPITE the illness.  Not just someone who meets your physical needs but none of the emotional ones.

You live in the U.S., correct?  Are you on disability?  It seems to me that a lot of the care you need might be covered if you were to look into it.  Then you could eliminate "I depend on him" from the list of why you stay with him.  Just a suggestion.

Kel

Cat, 

I'm glad to hear that you are not seriously considering suicide.  Please promise me you will get help or reach out to someone if that becomes something you spend time contemplating again in the future.  You are valuable and have goodness left in your life.  You can help others with the lessons you have learned through the difficulty in your life.  You are valuable!!!

I would recommend doing some research on the possibility of moving back to Canada to be near your children and get the disability and retirement benefits that are available to you.  You said that you are very settled in your routine here and I'm sure it would be challenging to move.  But you are a strong woman and I know you would be able to make it work.   I just think you should put some thought and energy into having that as a backup plan.  If your husband won't be monogamous or decent to you and stops taking care of you and supporting you, having already considered a backup plan that you can put into motion would be very valuable. 

Take care of yourself Cat!  We are so glad you are here
 

Hi Cat, I'm just thinking that if he is being nicer now when you are complaining maybe you shouldn't stop complaining. If you are living with a narcissist then you are the grown up, but you have to look after yourself not him.

I know it is tough but however 'nice' he is, he is a bully.  He will treat you better when you stand up to him and worse when you don't.  Either disengage entirely and make your plans to leave or disengage as much as you need to but turn the tables on him, push back, be a bit aggressive, make him walk round you.

best of luck