You didn't sign up to marry a woman..  you married a man.  You have every right to be angry, scared, unhappy and questioning the future.  

Welcome to the forum Anne.  Sorry you are here.  You don't deserve this mess that you are in.   But you've found a place where there are others who have shared your experience and can give you council and support. 

One common struggle we all share is having our pain and suffering swept aside.  Our society today is ultra-sensitive and ultra-supportive of LGBTQ people.  They get tons of support, congratulations, compliments for their bravery, etc..   But nobody remembers the poor spouses, kids, and family who are destroyed by the selfishness, lies, and loss of relationships. 

We are here for you.  We know the pain.  There will be a few ladies who have dealt with trans husbands and they will share some great experience and insight for you. 

You have every right to focus on yourself and what you want from your life.  Don't be a doormat for him/her.. whatever he is. 

Anne,
   I'm not quite two years past the my husband's disclosure he's transgendered--knows he's a man but wants to be a woman, need to act like a woman in bed to be satisfied and needs me to support his desire. He, too, says his sexuality hasn't changed and that he's attracted to me, just as a "lesbian" ("pretendbian," more like). I have been around the block with this, from willing accomplice and "trying it out" to increasingly horrified at what passes for "woman" to him.   Shaving one's legs does not make you a woman.  He is an autogynephile, and I urge you to look up the psychologist Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" and compare your husband's situations and symptoms to the outline Bailey gives.  Also look up the work of Anne Lawrence, a psychologist and transwoman who is an autogynephile.  I also recommend the blog "My Only Path to Power: Diary of a Transwidow."  
   Here's what I say to you: how nice for him that he'd like everything to stay the same for him but that you should accommodate his new status by giving up your own heterosexuality and never having the satisfaction of someone treating you who you are while insisting you treat him as if he were his fantasy of a woman.   You absolutely do have the right to be happy, and not by compromising yourself for him. 
  As for his therapist: avoid that person like the plague.  Your job is  not to "support" your husband as he wrecks the relationship you had.  Your job is to protect yourself and to figure out for yourself what you need, and then to act in a way that ensures you will get it.  Get your own therapist, and if that therapist is one of those who is in thrall to the dominant trans narrative that gender is what one "feels" like, that any Tom, Dick, or Harry can suddenly say he's a woman because he says so, then get away as soon as you can until you find someone with a functioning critical mind who can help YOU.  
  Sorry to be so blunt and bitter, but Dee is right; this is not what you signed up for, and let me tell you, with the so-called transgendered, the bar keeps moving.  First it's leg shaving and toe painting, but it doesn't stop there.  And ask yourself: does toe painting and leg shaving make you a woman?  Hardly.  Why don't any of these guys ever define woman as "thinking of others first"? 

Anne,
 I would say trust your instinct.  Your physical, emotional, and intellectual discomfort in the face of seeing him embrace a notion of woman that you find objectionable is telling you exactly what you need to know.  Act on it. 
 I say this as someone who felt exactly the same way, but who was drawn in by my husband's request for comforting when he realized just how lonely he would be and how difficult his life was about to become if he were to act fully on his desire to start living as (if he were) a woman.  
  If I had acted as I had determined to do, and was moving toward doing, when he first disclosed, I would now be in a position to be moving forward with my own life; instead, I am facing going through that process anyway, having lost that year and a half to questioning and pressuring myself (does my rejection of my husband's version of woman mean I'm a transphobic bad feminist?) and to the experiment of trying on whether living with a closeted transgendered husband was possible.   
  My conclusion is that for many of these men, as it is for many gay in denial spouses or gay spouses using their spouses for beards, what they want is to have their cake and eat it, too.  They want the comfort of their home and the support of their spouses while also enjoying the sexuality that makes them unavailable to the very spouses they're counting on to support them.  

Thank you all. I've made an appointment with my therapist. I've also started keeping a journal to try to handle my feelings better. He's a very jealous and paranoid person so throughout our relationship I've made myself small to keep him from being anxious or upset. In some ways this is freeing because if he wants to wear nail polish I'm damn well going to do the things I've wanted to do. Maybe I could imagin a bigger life too and he can fucking figure out how to put on mascara on youtube after I'm gone. I need to reimagine my own life and not wait to be allowed to do what I need. He's not.

Anne1984 wrote:

Thank you all. ... He's a very jealous and paranoid person so throughout our relationship I've made myself small to keep him from being anxious or upset. In some ways this is freeing because if he wants to wear nail polish I'm damn well going to do the things I've wanted to do. Maybe I could imagin a bigger life too and he can fucking figure out how to put on mascara on youtube after I'm gone. I need to reimagine my own life and not wait to be allowed to do what I need. He's not.

Go Anne!

Your sentence about making yourself small struck a cord.  I'm months post seperated and divorced and really realizing how small and on eggshells I have lived.
Ie...afraid to put the towels on the rack "the wrong way."
I'm realizing what selfish craziness and narcissism I lived with.. 

Part of my new life and recovery..I can put the towels on the rack any damn way I want...it doesn't matter..the world doesn't end .it's not something to get violent and mad about.