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1 of 1- Justmyluck
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New to this.
Hello everyone.
Like my title says this is all still pretty new. One thing is that I am not at all shocked that my wife is a lesbian. I feel like I have know for a while that my wife was more than just bi. I guess I feel a bit guilty that my main emotion is relief. I feel like I am no longer trying to force a romance that is not there anymore and that there is a vaild reason that it is no longer there.
The only worries i have are focused on my 2 yo daughter. I love her more than anything and do not want this to compromise my ability to be a father. At this point we have both agreed that I should be the primary caregiver to our daughter.
The problem is that I have a very good job that I couldn't replace that starts at 4am. At least for the moment I need my wife to live with me for the sole purpose of taking our daughter to daycare. This isnt a horrible thing because my wife and I really do get along. I just fear we will just hinder each other from moving on.
I know this isn't a very thorough post but i just needed to type some stuff out. Thanks for listing. I will have a better post at some point.
- UKDad
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Re: New to this.
I get the releif bit! banging your head against a wall to try and figure out where its all going wrong, being blamed but you know your trying your hardest.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
- maresyd
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H Justmyluck,
Glad you found us but sorry you had to. You'll find all sorts of wonderful and caring people here, who will have all sorts of experiences to share in co-parenting with their spouse or ex.
Keep posting...
“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”
- Still Wondering
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Re: New to this.
Hi JML - it sounds like you're actually not in too bad of a place - that's good news around here! It's almost a relief to find out for sure when you've felt that there was a problem the whole time. The fact that she's agreed to allow you to be the primary care giver is wonderful (although it's sad to hear of a mother who wouldn't want it at least 50/50).
So here are some thoughts: Since this is still very new and you're both getting your ducks in a row, I don't think it's a bad idea at all (for the time being) to continue to live under the same roof until you can make some long term decisions. The fact that you get along is great. My ex and I did the same thing. For 6 months I lived downstairs and he lived upstairs and we even cooked together almost every night. It wasn't like it was blissful, but it was what we needed at the time (to be in our home while we made decisions on where to live going forward and to not rush anything as far as picking a place to live). A lot of people don't have this option - they live with narcissists or people who will be cruel and hurtful. As far as hindering each other, set a time frame. She needs to start looking for housing options (or whoever is going to move). I'd give it at least six months or even a year at the most. Anything over a year and yes, you do start to run the risk of hindering your lives as far as meeting other people and moving on.
Here's something to think about too. If she (or you) can find a place close by, why couldn't you drop off your daughter at 4 am and then your wife can take her to daycare? That may or may not be feasible, but just a thought. I think if it gets to the point where you're six months out and there are no changes at your job (like a later start time) and she shows on sign of moving out, then you should think about trying that.
welcome - keep posting.
- Justmyluck
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Re: New to this.
Hey SW. Thanks for the reply. After spending some time on here and reading other peoples stories I do feel very fortunate that this situation isn't worse. My wife, as of now, hasn't been cruel or hurtful. I have been hurting in the sense that I had such high hopes for our little family. And this has been the final blow to that hope. In a way I have been mourning the death of these dreams for a while. Now this at least gives a reason for it. Perhaps if we stuck it out for another 15 or 20 years this situation would be a lot worse. I do agree with you and think that we can live together for the time being. Our current situation is that we are trying to sell our house (this was something we were going to do anyway). After we sell, the current plan was to move into a three bedroom apartment and sign a 6 month lease. After that I am not sure. I have made it clear that we need to start separating fiances as she is currently 100% dependent on my income.
As for why she agrees I should be primary caregiver to our child. My wife also has some mental health issues that she needs to resolve. She has been going to counseling (part of how she came to the realization she was a lesbian) I think she agrees that I am more equipped to both mentally and financially to provide the best and most stable home for our daughter. I know coming to this realization has caused her a lot of pain but im happy that we agree.
- •
Thread Starter- Rene82
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Re: New to this.
Justmyluck...I am sorry that you found yourself here but it sounds like you are more fortunate than a lot and that you and your wife are on friendly terms. my husband and I are also trying to get through this together since we have 2 small children. Are you able to start your job at a later time? Could you hire someone to come in the mornings for a few hours and take your 2 year old to school? Or would your wife be willing to do that once she has her own place? I am only a few weeks into my husband moving out but he is continuing to take the kids to school since their school is so far from my job but close for him.
I am sure you have a lot going through your mind but take things one day at a time.