I do not believe in protecting my children from all adult issues. My children know that I do not have a ton of money so they know when I say no to a particular expense that there is a reason. That teaches them about budgeting money. Children know when something is wrong or when they are not being told the whole truth. Ultimately they will learn to distrust their own instincts if they are constantly told that everything is fine. I want my children to listen and trust their gut so I always confirm their suspicions when they are true. That doesn't mean I have to tell them all the gory details. 

Early on my children were confused about why we couldn't work out our disagreements and stay married. I told them that their father cheated and that is why I chose to end the marriage. I made it clear that no one has a right to do that without consequences and no one should allow themselves to be treated that way. This one was easy because I could prove it and their father didn't deny it although he did blame me. That helped them understand that there was no fixing it and that the divorce was permanent and for a valid reason. I told them that I would honestly answer any questions they had whenever they had them. They have both come to me in their own time with questions.

Since I can't prove that my ex is gay and he will never admit it I had to let my kids come to that conclusion on their own. When my one child directly asked about it I felt free to give my opinion and it was received with an open mind.  I was able to tell him why I believed it and how it affected me and our family and ultimately led to the divorce.  He had already come to the conclusion and was simply looking for confirmation.

Kel is so right.  These are all teaching moments and can be used to help our children grow to be much better adults and advocates for themselves.  I will not always be there to protect them.  They need to learn to do this for themselves.  It is my responsibility to teach them.

I asked myself two questions:

1. Can I ever lay beside my husband again without thinking about the infidelity?
2. Is he capable of doing what he needs to do not only to earn my trust but to help fix what was a miserable marriage?

The answer to both of these questions was a resounding "No."  There simply was no future for me with this man.  Without a yes to both of these questions I knew that I could never give myself or my kids the life I wanted for us.

I am so happy.  I love my solitude.  I love my nice little home that is all mine.  I love not having that negative energy pressing down on me every minute of every day.  I do not need a man in my life and now I realize that I don't even want one.

I didn't have confirmation of him being gay before I asked for a divorce.  There had been little clues here and there, but nothing large enough for confirmation of any real activity or wrongdoing.  I just knew that I wasn't happy with the intimacy level in my marriage, and it wasn't getting ANY better, and I believed it never would.  Essentially, I'd lost hope for any change.  I was tired of feeling invisible and unattractive and like something that my husband needed to tolerate.  Alllll those years that I still had hope for change, I could keep going  without what I needed - because there was hope.  When I realized there was no hope for change any longer, and that the problem was actually getting WORSE (his low drive was actually lessening and mine was increasing as I got into my 40's), I realized we were moving further away from any potential change.  At the same time, I realized that I was choosing to STAY married.  And that meant choosing to be okay with being unhappy the rest of our days together.  And while leaving didn't assure me that I'd find the intimacy I desired with someone else, staying meant that I would NOT find it.  And I just couldn't choose unhappiness.

Kel

jkpeace wrote:

I am confused, when anyone words this situation in this way:  "It wasn't just TGT.  Our marriage had other problems..he was a cheater...he was dishonest...he kept secrets."  Of course, I'm paraphrasing.  Every single one of my marriage issues could have been worked out, IF my husband were not gay.  I can't figure out why anyone even comments on other things.  My husband could be a perfect gay man.  That means he should not have married me.  The marriage cannot work.  It is flawed, at its very core, which makes every other issue, quite simply, not matter...in my opinion.  It also means there was, absolutely, nothing I could have done to stay married.

For those of you who might be able to make an open marriage work, please, disregard my comments.  I would never judge anyone, in our situation.  Every single one of us is trying our best to do our best, making sense of a very confusing situation.   For me, staying with a gay man does not fit with my core belief of what a marriage is.

You're right JK. So right. The reasons I was given since she would NOT admit she was gay and having an affair were along the lines of "you didn't put up the toilet seat". Minor things...it was like she was grasping for any reason she list other than TGT as the reason she wanted a divorce.
So in the very end she couldn't even be honest with me..couldn't give me that little bit of empathy or care. In the very end she lied.
That scares me. That a person could be so heartless and evil. I'm so glad I'm away from such evil.
But it leaves me questioning everything..surely there are kind people in the world that wouldn't do this to another..people who have no dark secrets...that they mean what they say and say what they mean. Should I be scared of everyone..both male and female..is everyone a pathological liar.

Last edited by Rob (January 13, 2017 8:59 am)

Sean, you could not be more right on.  I understand the position of this board and many other groups for straights that we are to be tolerant and understanding if someone chooses to stay with their newly discovered closeted gay spouse. I personally for the life of me cannot fathom that. Once I found out what my XGH had been up to it took me about 2 months to realize that this marriage had to be over. One, why in the world would I choose to stay with a man who has lied to me for 28 years! That's a pretty poor track record and not likely to change. Secondly, why am I going to choose a relationship that is completely a mismatch sexually? My marriage showed me that already and truly, it's not what I signed up for.  Why would I choose to continue a marriage with someone who has lied repeatedly, cheated, betrayed my trust, had an incredible amount of sex outside of the marriage AND who I now know prefers men??  I always have to keep quiet when anyone discusses staying in their marriage because I believe the exact opposite is necessary. Distancing is key, not living together anymore is key and trying to work on moving forward without each other is the very best thing for both of you.  It can't be a marriage, it can only be a less than satisfactory arrangement. IMO