Welcome hopeful10. I am new here too. I understand your situation somewhat. From what you have said he is turned on by you and loves you. I would suggest you choose to believe him .

I think our society makes it harder for men to admit a ssa than women. Its cool and mainstream to have 2 women "fooling around" in movies etc. Its touted as most mens fantasy. Where as most women would not want to watch 2 men especially if they were in a relationship with one of them.

He may simply be curious and not have contacted anyone. If you are attacking and suspicious it wont help your relationship. Love on him as much as you can. If he is guilty it will come out. If is not he will be relieved you forgive him and you will be his safe place.

Sounds like you have something worth fighting for.  Many dont. Yes it hurts but try to forgive and trust because its worth the risk .
My 2cents
Take care.

Hello Hopeful. It sounds like you and I are in very similar boats. I recently found out my fiancé has been meeting up with men he met off Craigslist. When I first discovered the emails, he insisted that it was all talk and he had never gone through with it. He told me that he would never cheat on me and that he loved me and only wanted me. I found more emails and I asked him and begged him to tell me if he ever met up with these men and he told me he never went through with it, he always flaked out. A few days later I found more emails that discussed meeting up but no other details. I confronted him and pretended I found an email that stated that he had met with another man and slept with him.... Among other things. He finally admitted it, only because he thought I really knew. I have kicked him out and told him to stay more times than I can count. Some moments I feel like I can handle it and others, I feel like my heart might explode. I love him so much, but everyday is a constant tuggawar with myself. I don't know how much long I can hold on. I really hope your situation gets better.

Craigslist. Mine used it like he had an addiction for hookups. I think that website is fueling STD's. I looked at it when i found out and at least half of the M4M hookup invites SAID they were married.  All of those wives are unsuspecting and going to get a nasty surprise in the form of an STD.

Things are going much better. He seems to have re-committed himself to our relationship and we've been placing a very large focus on each other and most importantly lots of communication. Loads of communication, over communication probably lol. Looking back, he has never wavered in showing evidence of his love for me physically or emltionally.  Therapy has helped me to realize that I am actually a very lucky woman.

I am thinking that if anything, what happened may have been a blessing in disguise.  We are each other's best friend's, and this has opened up new levels of trust and communication about our needs that were missing that we didn't even realize were missing.

I cannot live in fear or what ifs or I may lose my mind!

The porn thing has become no longer acceptable, for either of us.  Conversations about including others into our relationship are no longer going to happen and we are committing to focusing on each other and talking through our desires if and when they come up.  Looking back much of this is my fault, I began conversations about including others in our relationship sexually a few years ago and we began exploring (not acting) on the ideas. I am a very sexual person LOL.  This led both of us down a bad path where somewhere we lost each other a little. He is not entirely to blame.

I am Hopeful this is all for the best and thank each one of you for your kind words and thoughts.

Judy,

I entirely understand what gaslighting is. I've been in an abusive relationship before where I literally felt i was losing my mind, questioning my sanity, etc.. It came to a point where things clicked for me and I realized what was happening.

While I do agree that he may be overcompensating for what happened, I am bisexual and have an ability to understand and empathize with his urges.  He does not believe these urges will ever occur again and I have told him he's kidding himself if he thinks that !!!  The big thing is whether he decides to act on them IMO. I am with him, and while I have had urges to be with other women I would not act on them and when I have had urges, I discuss them with him and he brings me back to reality that adding other people into our relationship would threaten our marriage. I just hope and pray that he does the same with me, because while the shock of me finding out may have supresse urges, I definitely don't believe it's over with. It will never be over with!

I don't believe he is gaslighting me, But I do believe he is downplaying the situation for sure which is concerning.