I have 3 more semesters until I am finished with my BSN. I want out of this marriage NOW. I honestly can't take this shit anymore. I am going to just tell him to leave and I want a divorce, I can't sugar coat it and don't want to. I am afraid of what I might do..and I don't want my story to play out on Snapped or the ID channel. I have thought about what it's doing to our son and I won't even mention how he treated my other son (his step-son). My oldest won't even come around, he's 25, because of him. My son and I are good but when you mess with my kids..it's on! I hate who I've become. I especially wasn't raised to take shit off of anyone. And yes, I do want revenge for all the fucking years this asshole has stolen from me and what he's done to our family.  

sharon,

Don't seek revenge..   But don't build any bridges either.   Work on planning your exit.     

I think we all need some righteous anger and it actually helps our strength a bit to get through this..  We need to be strong for our kids.   For me.. you  can do whatever you want to me  but rule #1 of a marriage ..you don't hurt the kids..  but that's exactly what our spouses have done the millisecond they decided that cheating is ok.  They were in no way thinking of the kids.  
So much destruction and hurt.. all we can do is get away from these people and move on..  Revenge will get us nothing.

Sharon,

Know that you asking him to leave might not make him leave.  When it comes to narcissists, they don't feel the guilt that usually goes along with what other people feel - the part that makes them feel it's their duty to leave.  Don't be surprised if you and your son need to leave.  I'm not trying to scare you, but it's a very real, very possible scenario.  You will see your husbands WORST once he realizes he's up against something that he can't change.  He'll expect that he can throw a fit to get you to back down.  Then when he realizes that isn't working, he'll try to give you the changes you've requested and desired from him all along.  Don't believe it.  I personally found it very insulting that my gay ex only wanted to make changes after I called the entire things quits and told him I wanted to divorce.  That meant that until it affected HIM, he had no desire to make changes.  Which meant that my needs, wants, desires and feelings never mattered to him.  He knew I was angry and despondent over him not changing, but he didn't care enough to even attempt to make the changes.  He had no desire to please anyone but himself.  It was only when his plan on how that should be done were dashed that he figured he'd better try a different route - to get what HE wanted.  Too little, too late.

Once that doesn't work, then he'll get mean.  He'll try to make you look crazy to everyone.  He'll act immature and entitled and won't do anything that isn't required by the law.  But that's okay - if you want your freedom from this toxicity bad enough, you'll gnaw your arm off to get out of the trap.  Don't let the fear of the loss of that limb deter you.  People who are afraid to go on without the limb never gnaw it off - they die in the trap with their damned arm intact.  Pointless.  I was surprised to see that a lot of my metaphorical arm "grew back" afterward - a surprise I was not expecting.  I was left with scars - but they are pliable enough now that it's only battle scars to be proud of.

You can do this!!!

Kel

Yep!  This game gets much easier once you have them figured out.

More power to ya when it comes to packing his sh*t and putting it all out!  I'd be SO happy to have done that to my ex.  I'd have felt so empowered!  But alas, he gave me almost no reason to know what was wrong.  I'd just reached my limit one day on continuing to live unhappy - no matter the reason.  So I didn't feel right putting him out.  Hindsight is 20/20, though - he knew what he was doing all along.  He just made himself look like a victim to everyone for a long time.  And it worked - for a while.  And then it didn't anymore.

It's pretty pathetic that he's using your 15 year-old as a pawn to control your behavior.  Not really concerned about either you or your son(s) - only in getting what he wants - no matter how he gets it.  Makes you wonder why they don't just come out already.  It's got to be easier in a lot of ways than the constant manipulation, lying and head games!

Kel
 

I didn't figure out that my ex is gay until after we separated.  I kicked him out when I discovered he was cheating. I gave him no opportunity to negotiate. I never considered trying to save it. During my efforts to obtain information for my divorce I discovered gay porn.  After the dust had settled and I was on my own I put all the pieces together and realized he is gay.  It was in that moment that I understood why my marriage was void of sex and affection. Since it didn't make a difference in my divorce I put that information aside and processed it in my own time.  My ex was and is in deep denial.  My children were not ready to hear that their father was gay and it would have only put them in a he said/she said between their parents. As a result, I always felt as if I was being dishonest with them.  It was a very difficult time.

Five years after we separated one child decided she wanted to live with him.  Within a few months she became very ill. As a result I was forced into regular contact with my ex. Knowing I was going to have to spend time with him over the next few months possibly year, I confronted him in the hospital.  I told him that I knew he was gay and that he had hijacked my life for his own selfish reasons. I told him to stay as far away from me as possible because his presence in my life was unwelcome.  He never said a word but his reaction confirmed everything I knew.

The therapists tried to put us in family counseling.  I told each and everyone of them that my child's father/my ex was a closeted gay man interested only in keeping his secret and maintaining his reputation. I told them that family therapy was hopeless because he will lie whenever necessary and frequently when not necessary.

My ex demanded continued visitation.  I begged the therapists to intervene.  It took about three weeks before all three of my child's caregivers wrote a joint email to my ex telling him that my child should stay exclusively with me and only visit him in small doses and never overnight.  This is a position that my older child had already declared. The email was less than a few dozen words in length but left nothing in question.

My child's illness was caused by her father's secrets and lies and came to a head when she moved in with him.  During this time she saw him more realistically.  The stories she told even shocked me.  It is very sad when a child discovers that a parent is not their hero. Once back with me, I gave her avenues to express her feelings, mostly anger.  Eighteen months later she is doing great; seeing her father one or two afternoons a month.

Now that both of my children have a more realistic view of their father my relationship with them has blossomed.  One child has figured out that he is gay and I believe the other suspects.  There is light at the end of the tunnel but it is imperative to see the situation for what it is.  If you have been married for more than a few years and your spouse has not been honest with you, it is unlikely that they ever will be unless they are caught red handed.  I have no interest in being my spouse's ethics police. Trust is number one priority in a marriage and that train has left the station once they start keeping secrets.  My recommendation is to leave now and allow everyone the opportunity to have a better life.  The longer you stay the more severe the consequences.