Hi jjrab,

Yes - I had a very amicable divorce.  But that's probably because all we did was split the home equity.  I didn't touch a penny of his retirement or 401k.  In hindsight, that was dumb.  We earned that together and I was clearly entitled to half of that.  I was proud and pissed and just wanted out.  So the moral of my story is fight for what you feel entitled to and make it fair for everyone.  If in the past you've both proven to be rational people, even in arguments, then the divorce should go ok.  That said, I've seen stories of people who find out their spouse has changed overnight so it's hard to say.  Sorry- I know my answer goes back and forth but you won't really know your answer until you get deeper into it.  The fact that you're letting her have the kids and the house should make it very smooth - however, make sure you're getting a fair deal too. 

We ended up using an attorney who was a friend of my boss and she did it for free.  She was also dumb as a box of rocks.  We just told her what to write and it was done.  I realize my story is very different from most but we didn't have kids so our 12 years together was pretty much dissolved with the snap of a finger.  Sad but true. 

jjrab8486 wrote:

After 21 years of marriage my wife came out. We still are friends but we are getting a divorce. We want things to be amicable and friendly for the kids. I am going to move out and let her and the kids have the house. I don't want to uproot the kids lives and make it more stressful on them. Has there been anyone who has had an amicable divorce? Is there any pitfalls I should be aware of?

JJ, 

My divorce was just finalized on Dec 9th.  I handled all the legal work myself (In Pro Per or In Pro Se) and neither of us hired an attorney. In total, it cost $750.  Our state charges about $250 in legal fees for filing the documents and we spent $500 for a professional mediation session.  

It can be done.  But it is a very challenging and stressful situation.  You need a great deal of self-confidence, a lot of time to study state divorce law and a lot of trust in your soon-to-be-ex spouse.  The last part is the hardest..  how do you trust someone who has lied to you for so long?  How do you trust someone who is cheating on you?  I was able to decide that her lying was isolated to relationship and I could trust her on finances and parenting, so I was able to move forward cautiously... but I always had a back-up plan ready to go in case things went the wrong way.  I also have a strong religious faith and believe that I could trust my God to ensure things were under control. 


I'm happy to offer you advice and teach you what I know.  Feel free to ask questions on this thread or private message me if you prefer.   However, please know that I am NOT an attorney, so I can offer you only my personal experience and opinion. 

Let me start you off with a couple pieces of advice. 
1.)  Don't make the decision to move out of the house right away.  Give it time.  You would be surprised how your feelings will change over the course of the divorce.  You can tell her that you will do that when the divorce goes final, but leave some room for yourself to change your mind.   From a legal perspective, the WORST MISTAKE you can make is to move out of the house before the divorce is final.  The court sees it as abandonment and if your wife wants to try to get full custody of the kids it will make it very easy for her to do that.   So you can plan to move out if you think that's the best thing.. but wait until it's final and leave yourself room to change your mind. 
2.)  Find a couple of lawyers and get a free or low-cost initial consultation.  Take a notebook and write down a ton of questions.  This is to kick-start your education.  Ask what mistakes to avoid.  How will the court process work?  Should you file first or let your wife?  Should you file a counter-claim?  What will the judge most likley do with financial assets and debts if you cannot decide and the judge has to do it?  What mediation services are available in your area?  How do you get a QDRO completed if you need to split a retirement account?   How to divide equity in the house?  How to divide liquid assets and personal property?  How to divide debt, student loans, credit cards?  What is the date of asset valuation?  Who gets the tax deduction for the kids?  What's the difference between legal custody and physical custody?  What if one parent wants to move to another town or another state?  How will child support be calculated?  Shall I go on???   I could fill a page with the info you need to familiarize yourself with.   If you don't think you can handle this.. get an attorney to protect yourself. 
3.)  Sit down at the kitchen table with a list of things you and your wife need to negotiate..  (child custody first!!!, division of personal property - itemized, division of assets, who keeps the house, child support - usually calculated by a state formula, spousal support/alimony)  Have two sheets of paper..  The first is the stuff you agree on.  The second is "what you are not ready to agree on".   Keep the verbiage of the 2nd page positive rather than negative.. it doesn't mean disagree.. it just means "not yet" or still have questions or need to think about it.    Go through your list of things to negotiate and put each of them on either the agree now or not yet paper.   Then when you are done.. look at how many items are on each piece of paper.    In my case, after a 2 hour conversation with a couple of breaks to cool off, we found that our agree paper had 30 items and our not yet paper had 3.   Now.. remember that you will still have to come to agreement on those last items..  the question is..  can you work them out yourself, or do you need a neutral 3rd party mediator to help, or do you need to each drop 20k on lawyers and a long, stressful trial to eventually still have to make those last decisions yourself?    My wife and I decided that mediation was best for us because we wanted an expert to help us talk through those last 3 items AND we wanted someone with experience to help us think of things we had not yet considered..  that last part was worth the $500 we spent.  

In the end, you and your wife still have to make all the decisions.  You just need to decide how much help you want through the process.   Do you feel confident that you can trust her and that you understand the legal ramifications and permanent impact of the decision you make?  If your not confident.. get an attorney to help.  The emotional toll this will take is enough burden for most people without adding all the legal stress. 
 

Last edited by lostdad (January 6, 2017 1:18 pm)

Thanks everyone for the support!  I hired an attorney and she is going to file the divorce papers on Monday.  My soon to be ex and I are going to work out the details. Guess we will see how this works out.

Good luck

Mine wanted everything to happen fast.  Makes sense as she has been thinking of this for years.  I slowed it down.  I don't want to make mistakes.  Every situation is different.  Simple as that.  I don't think I will ever forgive her, but that being said I am being as nice as I can be.  Not ready to see her, or hear her voice.  After 18 years of lies and deception I know I must be careful.  The closet lesbian is a dangerous animal.