Tara, 

Thanks for bringing this up.. It's something that has been on my mind for a while.  I hope to start dating again sometime because I long to find someone to love.   But I've been going through this conversation in my head a few times.  I think if you do the right way it makes you look really great as a potential mate vs. how most people assume that being divorced is a sign of bad traits. 

I think it just depends on how you frame it up in the conversation. 

When you married him, did you know your relationship would end with divorce because he's gay?  Of course you didn't.  Don't beat yourself up now by seeing all the red flags.  We were in love and we assumed the best from our spouse, not the worst.  Of course we believed them when we were dating and wanted to get married because that is what we saw.  We had no reason to suspect they were gay because they hid that from us. This is not your fault... Even if, in hindsight, there were red flags. 



"Then this guy said, "What? How in the world did you fall for that? How could you be with someone like that?""

I responded, "Because he lied to me.  He had a deep secret that he spent his life trying to hide.  I was in love with him and believed he loved me as well so I assumed the best in him, not the worst."



I'm sure I'll think of 10 different ways to bridge this topic before I actually have to do it in real life..  hopefully I'll settle on something that seems comfortable to me.  I think it would be good for your to almost rehearse a response so that next time you'll be confident in how you reply. 

 

Last edited by lostdad (January 3, 2017 5:30 pm)

Tara and lost dad....

Remember not to carry your ex's baggage with you.  Although you were a part of TGT, it doesn't have to define you.  It's been 15 years since I left, and only about 8 or so that many people began to find out what really happened.  

It wasn't my secret to explain or tell. He made the choices to hide and act like he did, and so, I left it for him to answer.  He had so many great stories about why I left him, it was like a comedy show!   When mutual friends found out, they would either give me sad eyes, or they would just be really uncomfortable, as if they couldn't discuss him or our past together.  We shared a lot of years together, and I had to make it ok to talk about it, but I did it on my own terms.

 When I began dating again, people asked if I had been married, and when I answered, yes, they asked, "for how long?", my response, "together for 8 years, married for just over a year."  That's my truth.  I don't feel the need to blurt out that he was gay, a liar, an emotional abuser, a cheater, and so many other things.  I'm divorced, just like many people. 

When the time came in relationships to share, I did.  The bag of reactions was mixed:  some puzzled, some wanting to just hug me, some apologetic.  Many wanted to ask questions and some were hurtful, some filled with commentary, like, "was he "normal"?  how did you not suspect? how did you find out?  what did you do?  Oh my god, that must have been so hard."

Once I let my guard down and learned to trust someone, I found it much easier to tell the story when the time was right.  If you choose the right people in your lives, they will know you for the loving person you are, and what you've endured. 

Rehearsing what I was supposed to say and not say just wasn't for me, because Tara, like you, I wanted open and honest.  What I had to learn (the hard way) is that it does (sometimes) scare (some) people to be open and honest when they are dating.  Some people are just looking for companionship and fun, and not necessarily for us to unpack our bags. 

I wish you both peace in your journey back to normal people who aren't like your ex-spouses.  They do exist. 

This is really not a good topic to discuss with dates.  While everyone has the right to ask why your marriage failed, you don't have to give the gory details.  Why?  It's nothing you did!

The answer I give is "I guess we wanted different things" is perfectly fine.  Anyone who would press beyond that is too nosy for my liking if we are early in the dating process.

I got asked this question a ton when I was dating, but never was anyone rude enough to suggest that I "fell" for something.  They (and other people whom I wasn't dating) did have general questions that were fairly understandable but still ignorant - "How can he be gay if he had sex with you (we had kids, after all)???  I'd just say, "I don't know - that's part of what was so confusing; if he married me and appeared to want a life with me, why would I think he was gay?"  This would usually lead to a statement like, "Huh.  Yeah, I guess.  So..... how did you know?"  I'd just tell them that I didn't really.  That one of the things I learned online from this group was that if a person denies that they're gay, then you're left not knowing what the real deal is.  I just knew that after years of feeling invisible and ignored, I wanted more.  That nothing I did seemed to have made any impact on our desolate intimate life, and that I was sure that nothing ever would.  It was only after calling it quits that I found out the truth - when he stood to lose nothing any longer.

I also had people ask why I didn't just decide to stay with my ex.  I was always thoroughly confused by that question.  They asked why we both didn't just decide to stay together for the sake of the kids and date others.  I'd just say that such a situation sounded not only unsatisfying, but truly impossible.  We have a family.  I want to be with someone in bed at night who wants to hold me close.  I don't just need sex.  I wanted to build a life with someone who wanted me.  I didn't have time amidst working full time and raising kids and running a home to date outside.  I needed to be free to build something real with someone - all the way to it's potential.  They usually understood.  If not, I'd just say, "well, maybe you'd be find with having sex in hotels and then going home and kissing your kids on the cheek, but that wasn't my cup of tea.  I wanted it all - the real deal - 100%.  And so that's why I left - because I was never going to get that married to my current husband."  That usually shut them the hell up.

There were other questions that I never did have the answer to - and I told them that.  "When did he know he was gay?"  "I have no idea.  In the end, it didn't matter."  "But..... don't you want to know what was running through his mind?"  "Not really, no.  There is no good answer.  If he said he'd known for only two weeks now, then I've have thought that maybe it wasn't real yet.  If he'd have said that he's known for years, then why didn't you tell me??  If he knew when we got married, then how awful is that?  In the end, I was left holding the same result.  So the details didn't really matter.  I'd only want to know them to satisfy my curiosity, but I was convinced that knowing would  be far worse than wondering."

I don't feel it's a big turn-off at all to tell people that my ex is gay.  If it was, then whatever - they weren't the one for me.  I needed them to see the flip side of the situation - that I stuck it out through thick and thin - even when I couldn't name the problem or figure out what battle armor I needed in order to fight it.  I needed them to see that I loved hard and long - despite not getting much.  I needed them to see I had fortitude and strength to battle without my partner against something that was invisible.  I needed them to appreciate that the person I should most have depended on had abandoned me, and I'd kept on trudging up that slippery hill until I realized it was hopeless.  If they couldn't see that what I'd been through revealed my strength, fortitude and good faith, then they weren't getting it - at ALL.  NEXT!  For what it's worth, that never happened.  In general, every time I revealed that he was gay, I got men who told me that they couldn't believe that a woman like me had to endure such a thing when it would have been so easy to get someone else.  Which helped my self-esteem.  They said that he MUST have been gay if he didn't want ME.  And it made for fantastic conversation - most times people don't want too many details about former relationships - it leaves them jealous and uncomfortable.  But I could talk about my situation as much as I wanted - because it was astounding to them, and interesting.  I got a lot of free therapy that way!  Lol.

What he did to you doesn't say ANYthing about you other than you are an amazing, loving, faithful person who believed the person that committed his life to you.  Even when things looked bad, you believed in him - and in your marriage.  That you had faith that could move mountains.  You take all that WITH you when you leave.  You wind up learning that your intuition isn't broken - it's dead on.  You don't make rash decisions.  You don't jump out of the frying pan the moment you feel heat.  You have fortitude and resilience.  You.are.AMAZING.  And that anyone would be lucky to have you after what you've been through and come out the other side of.  BELIEVE in yourself like you once  believed in your ex - and your marriage.  You're already good at hoping and tenacity - just apply it all to yourSELF now.  You need it, and you deserve that much from yourself.

Kel