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1 of 1- Christianwifealone
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Would you warn someone ?
Last summer I had a situtaion that tore me up. I felt that I should say something but it was so hard to explain to anyone without outing my own husband . I tried to make up a senario and everyone said I should mind my own business.
So here it is. I knew of a Christian man who was openly gay. He had dated men but due to his beliefs wanted to marry a woman . He chose to livemlife as a straight man. I am not sure how many people in his life knew 100% he had ssa ...anyway fast forward ...he found a girl to marry. She like me ..knew of his "struggle" and his desire to have a wife and family.
They asked to have dinner with us while dating and my husband thought it was nice they wanted to hang out....I saw it as him trying to prove that a gay man can be happy with a wife and kids. Maybe not overtly but I am sure that was his hope. Shortly after he prosposed and they got married.
I struggled. I didnt want to go to a wedding that I knew what kind of pain she would eventually have. I so badly wanted to warn her that its not easy and to seriously reconsider.
So my question.... Would you say something ? I didnt really know either of them well enough to call up and or have a deep convo with. I am not sure I would have changed my mind if someone had warned me. Fools in love .
- Tara (From Way Back)
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Re: Would you warn someone ?
Wowy, wow, wow! I was in your shoes. Like I've alluded to my previous post, I have run the gamut when it comes to TGT.
When I discovered my husband was in the closet, I also figured out which one of his friends were in the closet. I happened to be A LOT of them! In fact, the other 3 couples we had been hanging with right before discovery and were close with were all actually in the closet (the husbands). I figured this out one night at a dinner party where all 4 couples had attended. All of these closet men were married and I was close with the wives. It hit me like a mack truck. It hit me right in the middle of the party. I figured it all out. The 3 men plus my x were all closeted. It knocked me over. Literally. I fell back against the counter in the kitchen. It was a massive epiphany. I could suddenly see everything so clearly. And my x was being obvious about it - something he hadn't done before. Ever.
In any case, I also figured out which one of these guys my x was having his fling with right there that night. It was one of the married men. My x's reaction when I threatened to tell his wife lead me to know that I was correct in my assumptions. I know these girls well but particularly the wife of the guy my x is shtooping. I have wrestled with this for years and years - should I tell her?
I just couldn't bring that much pain to someone else. I remember what I had gone through and wished someone who have told me YEARS ago about my x, and believe me, PEOLPLE KNEW AND DIDN'T TELL ME. However, that said, even if I did tell her she probably wouldn't believe me. Until you are ready to see, you just can't see it. I'm trying to deal with the past and put my entire ordeal behind me. I don't think it's my place to tell her.
Wow. What I wrote doesn't make sense at all. I am still conflicted about this. I will NEVER tell her or talk to any of those people ever again so my decision has been made. However, was it the right thing to do? I can't really say. Everyone tells me to stay out of it and frankly I think they are right. I hate that she (they) are all living a lie but it was MY lie I had to find out on my own. I think they should do the same.
I wish I could have helped you more here. Release yourself of this burden. Don't muddy up your own life with the problems of someone else's marriage. It's not your responsibility to tell her and you don't really know the dynamics of their marriage. They are the only 2 people who know what their relationship is really like.
Unfortunately, it's so sad and selfish of this closeted men to take down lives around themselves in order to please their own selves. It so selfish it's sick. I am still in shock and horror that this is happening to people. To me.
In the end, it's just not worth the headache for their problems. Spend the energy moving your life forward. We've spent enough of our life and time on someone else's dysfunction.