Hello and welcome,
So sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us. I was married 30+ years before I divorced, and know how much not being desired destroys your soul, although I didn't know why until the end. I spent the last several years chasing my tail with layers of excuses, his depression and job loss, and especially his projection of blame on me, only to discover that I was married to a gay man after and was caught and finally stopped lying and admitted it. My guess is the groups may not be husband haters necessarily, they may just be burned women trying to save you the same gut wrenching pain. Have you asked yourself what you want to happen in your marriage? I see some of the blaming, called gaslighting, in your description of what you have said, " My negativity is a turn off for him and makes him try less."  He's using that as nothing more than an excuse. I fell for that too, for years. SSA doesn't go away, it's really up to you whether or not you are willing to continue to live with this. Keep posting, we understand.

Glad you found this group.  You can talk about it here, we all understand.  The first thing I want to say to you is that you are NOT stupid.  It's easy to get down on yourself and become negative when you don't see you needs being met, nor have anyone who will listen in a real way. 

You'll find in this group both people who have chosen to leave, and others, in another area of the boards (MOM), who have chosen to stay.  Whatever you decide is your own choice.  

You mention that he sees it as his burden.  But you are married, so it's both of yours.  It does hurt not to be desired, to have no hope, and to become a person you don't like to be.  It's normal and fine and right to have all of those feelings.  You are your own person, with needs and desires too.  

I'll ask this:  why is it you who has to change to be less negative about your own reality?  Why are you less important than him?  If you are not going to leave and do not hate him, it sounds like there is most certainly some hope to discuss things openly and work together to determine what you are both going to do to meet each other in the middle.   Maybe that is possible.  Maybe it isn't.  But change starts with honesty from both of your sides.  

It's scary and sad to be alone, you are not. Keep posting. 

Thanks everyone. To clairify, I feel I am different than most stories because I knew he had ssa before I married him. He was honset and told me before we even dated. He doesnt want to be with a man in real life. Its all about the fantasy and really some of it is a need for non sexual male affection which our western world shuns.

His faith is a big part of him not acting out his desires. He also would not ever want to hurt his kids or me for that matter. I think if I divorced him that he would remain single and not date men or women. He hates that part of him. He knows it hurts me and feels aweful about it. But at the end of the day we are all a little self centered and I think he wishes i would just forget about his struggle and move on.

When we had regular sex we were both happier. He would go for months without looking and male material. Now we go 6 plus months without sex he starts to wonder if he is even capable of doing it and physcs himself out. He wants me to initiate and cant understand why I cant. I cant because I just cant be rejected in such an open way. It destroys me. I have told him I will never say no to sex and that we can be intimate without sex or orgasm. But he worries alot . He is so happy when we do have sex especially if he feels he pleased me. He says we will now make it a regular thing...but life..kids..sickness ...arguements etc get in the way and then its months yet again and he is back in the down swing.


I know I am negative. I didnt used to be. I cant even think about him in a sexual way anymore. I think about others who have desrired me or might desire me. I try to think about him that way but it hurts too much.

There are lots of times I would like to leave him and find someone who would want me ...desire me. But I dont want to do that to the kids. It would destroy him if I left. Also I cant support myself. I am trying to accept my lot in life . He is a good man who works hard yes there is lack or intimacy and a little gas lighting but he is very honest with me ...sometimes too honest. I wish he had a guy friend he could talk to but he is so scared he will lose friends if he opens up.

Thanks Vicky I will check it out .

Christianwifealone - I'm very sorry you have reason to be here.  You're on a difficult path.  There are no easy answers.

You've apologized a few times for being negative.  I actually don't think you're being negative.  I think you're being realistic.  There's a big difference.

Regardless of what label your husband uses for himself, he is primarily attracted to men.  That is who he is.  It is permanent and unchanging, just like his eye color. 

Fortunately, marriage is about a lot more than sex.  There's no reason why you can't enjoy a long, deep emotional connection.  But, when it comes to sex, the pattern you're experiencing is not going to change --- especially in the long run.  Imagine that you were in a relationship with someone you liked but didn't, and couldn't, authentically desire.  How often would you want to have sex?

A good marriage is a wonderful thing that shouldn't be quickly tossed aside.  But a mixed orientation marriage brings its own set of challenges.  Sex is not the foundation of that kind of marriage, nor will it ever be.