I seem to be having many of the same conflicts as you although with a different set of circumstances.  My 2 daughters seem to know, from what I have gathered.  My oldest also asked me too "is Dad gay?"  It was very hard for me to know what to say that wouldn't be a lie or give her the real scoop, given his request (actually demand) not to talk to the kids about it (or anyone else).  I did say however, "that's a good question, I think you need to ask your Dad", to which she said "Does Dad know if he is gay?"  Smart kiddo!  I believe ANY answer, other than a flat out lie, would have pointed to the same conclusion for my young adult children.  It is also something I get asked fairly often believe it or not by "friends" or even "acquaintances" who have known my husband for many years.  Some have history with him before we were married and some have even told me they were surprised he got married. It's a small town and I believe the gossip and rumor mill has taken on a life of its own so I think he will have a very hard time avoiding or dodging public opinion.  I don't feel that I started it but I also don't feel the need to lie or to further people's knowledge.  My small group of true friends know the truth.

 He also never told me about his interest in men before we were married, but apparently there was strong interest.  Although I don't know if there was ever any real relationships or casual encounters, I suspect now that there was.  15 years ago I caught him "online" chatting and then 10 years ago when I had caught him online "talking" to a more local guy, this time about getting together.   Faced with the decision, he assured me it was not something he would ever follow through with but he was turned on by the thought of it.  Well, we went to lots of counseling because I didn't believe him and said I couldn't be married to him if he was gay or bi and wanted to act on it.  He begged me not to leave him and said he was disgusted by the thought of being with a man and wanted to stay married. Now I find out he has been with many men over the past 2 years.   So,  I can't trust what he says.  I can't trust that I even know him anymore. I usually trusted my heart and head but that too has now been undermined and compromised to the point I don't know what to trust.   Which makes it harder to know what to do.

However, I did tell my entire family (I'm one of 7), even my folks who are in their 80s.  Everyone has been incredibly supportive.  My husband is very pissed that I had done this but I felt I had to in order to be authentic with why we were getting divorced.   Especially in that we weren't really experiencing any major problems, or at least any I was complaining about so it was a shock either way to announce our pending divorce.  I felt it has helped me tremendously to have my family know.  In fact, going through the logistics of the divorce part, I have had extra sets of eyes and insight to help me keep it all together while I go down this road.

 I also feel like I may, someday, have to eventually discuss more specific things with my daughters and my son.  Otherwise they are in the dark about the real reasons that this marriage failed and they may come to false conclusions that do no help them understand the realities and/or why I had to draw the line, even though it makes me so so sad to do so.  They see my sadness and my strength in moving forward.   I was very surprised at Christmas time to find out my husband was indeed gay, they must have been incredibly surprised in March to find out we were going for a divorce.  My oldest daughter was so confused and said "really, you don't even want to try to go to counseling and figure this out".  I think if she knew then she would have better understood.   My other daughter I think knew because she kept apologizing to me that "she knew a long time ago and should have told me but didn't want to tell me because she knew it would end the marriage".  I didn't ask what she knew, but I don't her not to carry that guilt.  It wasn't her responsibility to tell me and it was okay that she didn't .  My son was devastated and is just confused about it all happening so quickly.  So I do think I am doing them more of a disservice by NOT telling them some of the truth. 

I would love to listen and continue this dialogue and ask for any reference materials on dealing with telling the kids so I can read up more about the pros and cons before making a decision.  I think the truth will set him free... But I'm not sure he is the one who will readily or ever admit his infidelity was  actually the reason for this divorce. 

So very sad... we were really good together, or so I thought.   I know that sometimes the right thing to do and the hardest thing to do are the same. 

Thank u for your post- it addressed many of my concerns- especially regarding talking to subs- I'm very hesitant to talk to them because even though they will be supportive to me, I know they'll be yapping up a storm behind my back! Our kids were told about my husband's porn and popper addiction and were very supportive of their dad- which made me think they assume I don't "keep him happy"!.  For now I've only trusted 2 close friends. Chat do u do with the feelings of embarrassment and shame?

Respect is hard.  Sometime when my kids are yelling back to their mom I'm cheering them on inside. 

Sadly though your not supposed to yell at your mom ever if she is a lying evil cruel person.

I take solace in the fact when they leave the kids can take solace in my home.  There will be no yelling in my home.  No swearing.  Truthfully respect is earned...my lezex acts like a dictator..quick to anger.  We all live in fear of her.

Funny ..she wants love but all she knows how to do is ask for fear.
She chose to act this way.

Hello All,

I have been away from Internet connection for a few days.  I took one of my daughters and some of her friends to the river.  No cell and no internet in those parts.  Instead, I spent my alone time reading "The Other Side of the Closet" by Amity Pierce Buxton.  I, like "Frustrated" and likely a few more of you, was looking for expert advice on outing my ex to my children.  Much of the advice that can be gleaned from the read is anecdotal.

There was much to read though to get to what is most applicable to my situation.  I think worthwhile though.  It gave me greater depth of perspective about what is out there.  It is leading me to put to rest any question of the impact my ex being gay ultimately had on the demise of our marriage.  Yes, it was infidelity that was the line crossed which I could not tolerate.  But after reading the stories of all those other people I know that, for me, I don't want to be married to a person who can't love me as a heterosexual woman.  Even had my ex been faithful, I was not and would not ever have been fulfilled knowing (even intuitively) that my sexuality was not what she needed.  Reading the varied stories of gay/straight relationships helped me better solidify my understanding of me on the sexual continuum.   

Buxton does talk a bit about the impact of having a gay parent on children.  The book is largely posed from the perspective of a straight female and a gay male relationship.  What is unique in my situation is that I am talking about three daughters who are in the custodial care of the gay mom.  Yes, the sex of the children and that of the gay and the straight parent matters.  Age matters too.  While she never says straight-out that it is better to disclose to the children that a parent is gay the stories that she tells where there are children of gay/straight couples always include emotional baggage.  Divorce brings it to the fore.

It seems that when we don't tell our children when a parent is gay we propagate a lie which is not good for children.  More importantly, to protect the lie, we don't say and do the things that children need the most while figuring out their own sexual identity.  That sexual identity includes wether or not they see themselves as gay and much much more.  Children need to know from there parents how a relationship is supposed to work.  They need to know how it is that they should expect to be treated and what they should look for as they begin to date.   Maybe it is just my personal take on this but it seems to me that as long as we have "the secret" we can't be the authentic person that children need their parents to be.  We can't speak from the heart when the heart is kept in a closet.

In the stories Buxton includes in her book the children deal with the issue of having a gay parent whether they are told or not.   

Okay, Sue, I love the Buechner quote.  It seems the next layer is that only by being completely open and honest do we have the opportunity to grow.

Bob, I have had some time.  I am about 6 years into this.  My faith and spiritual journey are what drives me.  I would never recommend getting to where I am now alone though.  I have needed to talk for years.  No doubt I would have saved myself a good bit time lost if I had.

Kat and Rob, you have me thinking about the narcissist thing.  I absolutely do see my ex projecting a reality that she can live with.  I appreciate your discussion on this.  I am still a victim of gas lighting with her.  Love is blind...

Sunflower, succinct. Brilliant!

BryonM, thanks for the perspective on outing.