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December 15, 2016 2:53 pm  #11

Re: 30 years

I think my husband does hate himself sexually - when we're were younger I always tried to build him up - and try to relax him in bed - he could never relax - he would always refer to his penis in the third person - " it won't respond " I don't know why it won't stay hard" - eventually he gave up!!!
That's when we fell apart -


December 15, 2016 3:08 pm  #12

Re: 30 years

I feel sorry for him  _ I know he loves me very much - I know he loves S too - maybe they never  acted out sexually- but the intimacy they have is more then what we have - he denies it - he says I am everything to him and S is just someone he's had in his life for 40 years -( college roommmates)
Nevertheless- that doesn't change the fact we haven't had sexual relations in years and he refuses to address how I feel with the issue - it's always " I know I have a problem"-and " I feel bad about it"-
And when I say " what about me" - his answer is Always the same - I'll go on medication - I've heard that for YEARS!!!!
It' s so hard for me to know what to do!!!

Last edited by Ontheroad (December 15, 2016 3:13 pm)

     Thread Starter

December 15, 2016 4:13 pm  #13

Re: 30 years


I've stood in those shoes. I'm just further along.  We regrouped and "tried" many times over decades and I stayed even though I was profoundly lonely and wanted a man who desired me in my bed and life. All staying in it did was cause me to endure more betrayal. The reality of his sexuality and how much he didn't want to be in the marriage was in my face but I just wouldn't acknowledge it. Don't make my mistake. I wasted valuable years and here I am at 66 because of it. Gather the courage and make the move because if you don't, you will end up out of the marriage anyway at some point in the future. I now know there is no point in delaying a divorce with a man who isn't interested in me and can never provide the intimacy I need to be happy.

This is painful but staying in the marriage is MUCH WORSE. I wish these situations werent' hurting so many people. It's comforting to know there are those who understand but it is also so sad. I don't want anyone to feel what I have. I


Last edited by Judy (December 15, 2016 4:17 pm)


December 15, 2016 5:22 pm  #14

Re: 30 years

Ontheroad, you are so brave to face what you already know and to share it:  that you deserve to have what you want and need.  If you really in your heart feel he can give that to you, it's your right and choice to stay.  That said, you found this board for support from people who suspected and found out, and we aren't always right, we only know what we experienced.  
I always told my gay ex-husband that regardless of whether he was gay or not, that I was a human, and being an ass or not giving me what I need in a relationship was not respectful...to me.  Staying in something he knew he could never deliver on was not respectful to either of us.  
He was also "weirded out by gays" or something similar.  It was his way to gauge my reaction to him, and my acceptance of TGT.  I remember him listening to Howard Stern every morning, and I would put my noise cancelling headphones on as he listened to the sexist, homophobic crap that came out of our radio.   As it turned out, he was so fearful of becoming who he was, that it was me who told him, left, and each time he came out to someone, I was the first person he wanted to tell so that I would be "proud" of him.  Barf.  
And yes, it is extremely humiliating to have to beg to be wanted, needed, ask for affection, etc.  The real question for me, after years together, was, "was I forcing him to be something he wasn't? ", I took the blame, I felt bad for him.  Never for me.  Once I figured out what I wanted, and how much I was missing my decision was much easier, and I left and let him go.  
I know that sounds simple, but it isn't.  You deserve to have the life you want and to have your needs met.  Taking the gay out of the equation, are you happy?  Do you trust that he will change?  

Peace to you on your road...keep posting. 

“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”

December 15, 2016 10:05 pm  #15

Re: 30 years

I don't trust he will change - I don't trust anything right now - I am angry and confused- I am also scared that if I do leave him I will be alone the rest of my life. I am 62 and I've lived so long with this unhappiness I just need to know what's really the reason,
That S is in his life- I need to hear him say it out loud!!!! I know he loves him - because if he didn't why would he risk loosing me? The weirdest thing about it - they hardly see each other - we live in different  parts of the country - but they both call each other whenever they can - even if it's a 5. Minute phone call!
I'm not making any sense???
I'd be happy if he just paid attention to me as a woman - if I thought he was attracted to me -  and showed it - it would mean the world to me.
He is just so stoic!!

     Thread Starter

December 16, 2016 7:09 am  #16

Re: 30 years

"..I am angry and confused- I am also scared that if I do leave him I will be alone the rest of my life..."

Yes, its profoundly scary.    I told my ex as such once  when she was raging at me.
​My ex kind of made the decision for me...she became so cruel and mean I would have been better off sleeping in my car on side of the road.    At some point the fear of being alone was outweighed by how 
badly I was being treated.   The kids , the house, the marriage...it was was out weighed by the horrible treatment.

It is sad...decades together, marriage vows, friendship, love all thrown away for a some mean cruel woman who promised her the world.       

I'm ok...many of fears did not come to pass..I'm ok.  Hurt, alone   but ok.   

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

December 16, 2016 7:10 am  #17

Re: 30 years

Ontheroad, I'll tell you what my 87 year old father told me, 15 years ago, when I was 31 and worried about being alone for the rest of my life ..... "honey, you are only as old as you feel, and as alone as you choose to be.".  At 46, I still haven't found someone I will spend my life with.  It's hard to trust, but necessary.  It's hard not to feel bitter and angry and distrusting, but I don't feel that way, and I'm very open.  I'm at peace with my life as it is now and would love to find "the one" if he does exist.  However, I've set goals for myself when I feel lonely, or scared.  I surround myself with things and people that make me feel less alone, less scared, and completely loved.  Life is so much better not living in the shadow of what he needs, what will happen, what won't happen.  
I wish I could tell you that he will tell you S is in his life because he is in love with him.  But he may never do that.   You are making complete sense!   I understand that need to know.  But it sounds like you already do know.  One thing is certain: you are not getting what you need.  How long will you continue to hold on to what you wish was true instead of deciding, for YOU, what is true? 
You are a person with needs; healthy, normal, deserved needs.  Why always feel like less of a woman because he leans on S as his person?  You are worth more.  Much much more. 

Peace to you Ontheroad....you'll find the way that is best for you. 

“Above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely of places.”

December 18, 2016 3:12 pm  #18

Re: 30 years

Hubby wants to go to counseling- now remember we've been married over 30 years- - he has walked out of many sessions in the past and never wanting to return" ..   when I reminded him of that - he barks " forget the past and let's start over"
I said - " find one and I'll go" - I'm letting him to do the work now - I'm so spent that my attitude is "I'm just to tired" --

So let's see- I am so leary of him right now - I'm wondering " what's up his sleeve"

     Thread Starter

December 30, 2016 9:10 pm  #19

Re: 30 years

Ontheroad, I could have written most of what you've said here. My husband has a friend also.. He speaks to him almost everyday, although, to me he has nothing to say except insults most the time. I have seen that excited persona when he visits our home and I've seen the same in his "friend" It's also been years..!. Many years in fact! Mine calls me crazy for insinuating what I see before me. His friends former wife also seen the same. She is no longer alive. She committed suicide supposedly a while back. I spoke with her often as she worked alot, both inside and outside her home, worshiped her husband and didn't have many friends. She trusted no one really. How could she? He conditioned her wonderfully to his own liking. She once told me while talking that she didn't think her husband was Gay. She Knew He Was Gay. She called my husband once and asked him if they were having an affair. She stuck around because she had been with him all her life and felt their was nothing ahead for her. Naive and young when they met one another ..as many here have also been, she knew no different and did not have a reference point to direct her. How can U know what is normal when you've never had normal? You say you have agreed to see a therapist again in an attempt to save you're marriage, although you husband has walked out time and time again? I say as someone famous once did (cant remember right now) that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Please, take care of YOU! You can be sure after this amount of time together that he is not looking out for you at all. He is looking out for himself and wants to keep status quote going to keep face. I am sorry, but I do feel you. Stay the course.


January 4, 2017 5:17 pm  #20

Re: 30 years

Honestly, it doesn't matter if he's gay or not - you're not happy, and you're married to someone who's not putting you first in his life.  You don't need any more proof than that to tell you that you're not happy and nothing's going to change.  Be done with him already.  You'll be happier.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

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