Ladies,

Do keep in mind Sean can't really speak for anyone but himself. His open invitation to present questions to him is incredibly out of place. His opinions and experience in this are ONLY his and may or may not be relevant to any other male who has made similar choices or your own situation. I weigh evidence for a living. It's actually more likely his opinions hold no value at all. Further, his coming here to invite your questions should make you realize it's a bit odd and likely being done to feed an ego. It's like the fox coming back to the hen house after he just ate one of the females and inviting the remainder of the group to simply trust him. Sean is NO DIFFERENT than the husband that just did this to you and he doesn't deserve what he's getting here. Think of the wife just like us he screwed with his lack of integrity. Why should anyone believe him now?  

Judy

Last edited by Judy (December 23, 2016 6:11 am)

Thank you Judy and others for sharing. I take no offence to what you've written and mostly agree with you. You make a valid point Judy that I'm sharing my own experience and am not an expert...nor mental health professional. As such, what I share and my personal opinions may or may not apply to everyone's situation. I don't disagree with your 'fox in the henhouse' analogy which is why I stopped posting outside of this thread. Why? Because I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable. This thread is simply a gay ex-husband answering questions and I'm happy to answer any questions you or others might have.    

Séan wrote:

5. The analogy I think of is a frightened dog hiding under the porch. You won't get him to come out by yelling at him, poking him with sticks, or throwing rocks at him. He'll more likely bare his fangs and strike out at you in self-defense. You might be able to coax him out if you set out a dish of water and food, and then back off and wait.

You make an excellent point. If I may paraphrase, the gay spouse hears the question like this: "I'd like you to admit the most painful and terrifying secret you've held for your entire life. It's a shameful secret that will likely end our relationship, destroy our family, and leave both of us angry and alone. Ok honey...I'm ready to hear it. GO!"

Thanks, Sean, for confirming what I was thinking. I presume you were able to read between the lines of what I was asking, and why I was asking, but if not, well...  it's because I said and did some things at the time that I wish I had not said and done, and were certainly not what I believed, but I spoke out of anger, and I wish I could take it back.  I threw gasoline on a fire without realizing that's what I was doing. I've read a lot since then, asked a lot of questions since then, and had a lot of my assumptions challenged since then, and have been humbled since then, and that's all been good. I know it makes me a better person, more patient, a more informed and tolerant person than I was, even though it doesn't take away the pain. Only time does that.

The big challenge for me afterwards was that I didn't want to go through this all over again in the future, and I knew I needed to figure out for myself (and I can't emphasize that enough) how it was that I permitted myself to stay in a situation where I wasn't satisfied or particularly happy (although I managed to convince myself that I was).

To the person who said I was trying to make it nicer for the gay spouse, you are reading me all wrong. My wife did what she did and that's the part she played. And then [u][b]I did what I did, in response[/u][/b]. In hindsight, I wish I had handled it better than I did, but I wasn't particularly self-aware of my own issues. I am still getting there. Just as I wish my wife would have owned her own stuff, I am learning to own my own stuff, and believe me, I have "stuff" of my own. That my wife hurt me doesn't make her a demon, I'm certain it was not intentional, and it certainly doesn't make me a saint by default either. We're both human and we both did some good things and some bad things to each other.

Séan wrote:

We're all different and our journeys are all different as well. Through my involvement here, I've learned that I need to respect that.

Ditto.

About 10 years into our marriage, my wife invited some of her co-workers for dinner. One of them was a single woman, who seemed to be paying just a little too much attention to my wife, and after everybody left, I teased my wife about it -- "I think your friend has a crush on you; she's doting on you..." But my wife didn't respond, she kept silent and I went on teasing, trying to get a reaction, we started arguing, and finally I went too far, and called her co-worker a "bitchy, butchy bull-dyke." I was oh-so-clever with my alliteration. But by that time it was pretty obvious that I wasn't just teasing anymore; I was prodding and egging her on and getting pissed at her lack of response. She asked me what my problem was, she'd never heard me talk like that before, and to leave it alone and grow up.

Fast forward two more decades, when we were finally breaking up and I asked her why she had never told me the truth, I would never have hurt her, I wasn't homophobic, and she had known me since college, why did she think she had to keep a secret from me?  Well, the answer to that is obvious to me now; I had spoken out of turn back then, not knowing what I didn't know and turning a stupid (and hostile) joke into an argument. Would I have said it if I had known about my wife? I can't possibly answer that, maybe I would have, maybe I wouldn't have, but in any case, I did say it about her co-worker, someone I didn't even know. I can imagine how my wife must have heard it, and I doubt any amount of my telling her "I didn't mean it the way it sounded" would have convinced her otherwise.

And times were a lot different 30 years ago when we got married, too. Reagan was President, there was no "Don't Ask Don't Tell," there were Section 8 dishonorable discharges, and Rock Hudson was straight as far as anyone knew. I am sure over the years there were times when I laughed at something, or made a snarky comment, that she must have heard in a way that stung her, when I didn't know what I was doing or what I was laughing at. That's why nowadays I try to pay more attention to the words I choose, and try to choose them more carefully than I once did, and I try to own what I did, even if I did it out of anger or ignorance. It's a way of reminding myself, so that I don't do it again.

Someone said "what a great fake picture" for my avatar. It's not a fake picture. It's a very authentic photograph of Giacomo Puccini, circa 1900, around the time he was composing "Madama Butterfly."  He's one of my favorite composers, and he was the subject of my undergraduate dissertation. I never claimed it was a photo of myself although I do wish I had his talent.

There's a line in the play "The Crucible" to the effect that today we can look back on the superstitious people of 1692 and pity them for what they didn't know... just as generations 400 years from now will look back on us and pity us for what we don't know...
 

Sean,
Nobody here needs your permission or validation to feel or do anything so stop posting or inferring that we do and offering your approval in random posts. Further, you are nothing more than a poison pill to women that have had a man just like YOU destroy their dreams and future. Your lack of consideration for the innocent wife you screwed over by lying to her about being Gay is blatant and evil. Get a new gig. This one is worn out and you are nobody's authority on anything let alone worthy of dispensing daily opinions. I'm hereby giving you the same level of consideration you gave to your wife for years. NONE. 

Judy

Last edited by Judy (December 24, 2016 5:39 am)

Merry Christmas everyone! Thank you for your kind note Vicky. Judy and others are free to post whatever they want here. This is an open forum, for all opinions, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The first months and years following divorce from a gay spouse can be the most painful so it's perfectly healthy and normal to need to vent now and again. The holidays are also a challenging time for anyone going through separation or divorce. I'm lucky that my ex-wife and I remain on very friendly terms, in fact I'm just about to head over to her place to open presents with our three kids. We're all on a journey and have something worthwhile to share. And as I've often written here, if my posts trigger anger, I'd suggest you stop reading them. I look forward to answering any questions straight wives may have for a gay ex-husband. Happy holidays everyone.