Thanks for reaching out. Outofhiscloset rightly called me on my wording here:

"Something changed for me in my mid-30s. We mostly stopped having sex and when we did have sex, it was completely without passion. I also started living a virtual gay life through internet porn although I didn't have sex with another man until I was 40."

I agree with what you wrote and am happy to explain/rephrase. I don't see myself as a victim of homosexual persecution. Why? Because until recently I didn't live as an openly gay man. I married to conform and to hide my attraction to men. With regards to sex, I enjoyed sex with my wife in my teens and 20s because I had a very high sex drive. I think most men are simply happy to be having sex at a young age. But as I grew older, yes I could perform but felt less and less of an attraction to my wife.  

Outofhiscloset wrote: "I can't help but remember what you wrote in a very early post--that you had come on this forum to do "penance"--and think perhaps you need to consider when exactly in your coming out process you stopped being a victim of a homophobic society and began turning your wife into one."

​You make a very good point. I think my (former) wife became a victim the day she married me. She deserved to marry a man who would love and desire her. And I was never that man. I tried and failed...miserably. While I married to conform and hide, she only married for love. Thanks for bringing that up because I've learned something.     


 

Thanks for clarifying OOHC. I think I have a better idea where you're coming from and I respect your point of view. I believe I've touched on this issue in a previous post. Keeping in mind that I can only speak from my own experience, when I married my (then) wife, at the time I 100% believed I was straight. No one forced me to marry a straight woman. That was my choice.

No one gets married while thinking: "I'm planning to cheat on this person" or "I can't wait to become an alcoholic" or "I'm eventually going to get morbidly obese" or "I can't wait to cross dress." (When I married, I was very much in love with my wife.) Unfortunately, these are all negative examples but I hope they illustrate my point. In hindsight, I clearly married to conform. But at the time, I thought my marriage was truly forever. I WANTED to be a straight husband and (later) a good father. Who wouldn't?

As I've shared here before, when I grew up in the 1970s and 1980s, the only "out" gays I saw were campy queens with purses who were roundly mocked or the pervy child molester under the bridge. And those were probably just two or three characters I saw on television. NO ONE WAS OUT at the time in my small suburban world. I thought I was the only person on Earth who liked boys. So I supressed it.  I remember reading "Rolling Stone" magazine on a family trip to Bermuda and I was SHOCKED to learn that Boy George was really gay...and a heroin addict to boot. I was 13 years old and just about to go to high school. It FLOORED me. "Boy George is gay?" I was that naïve. When I next heard about gay men, the AIDS crisis was in full swing. So in my teens gay = death or gay = drug addiction.

I didn't want to be Boy George. I didn't want to be a drug addict. I didn't want to die of AIDS. I didn't want to be mocked. I didn't want to be some pervert molesting kids under a bridge. I met a girl one summer at age 18 and was so RELEIVED that I had feelings for her. And we had sex! I was STRAIGHT thank God. I was head over heels in love with her. I was in LOVE with being a straight man. We stayed together, married, and had kids. I wasn't gay. I wasn't a monster. I couldn't be a monster.

​When straight wives ask me, "Why didn't he just own it?" or "Why didn't he just come out?" Think back to who you were in your teens. And then think of how something small like having the wrong shoes, or getting pimple felt like the end of the world. Then think of what it would feel like to be arrested for having the wrong shoes, or dying because you got a pimple. Imagine wondering if your parents would disown you for being who you are. Imagine growing up thinking you'd die if you ever had sex with another man and yet you so wanted to. That's why I hid my sexuality, for decades. That's why I married a straight woman. And when we married, I believed it was for life so I held on to that relationship with all of my strength. I so buried my feelings that I convinced myself I was straight. I had to be straight.

As I've shared, I thought I could 'handle it' until I told my mother I was gay. It was just three years ago. I thought I was fine up until the moment I had to say gay. I couldn't even say 'gay.' I stammered out a sound like "guh" and then burst into tears because 30+ years of suppressed emotions came flooding back. My sister had to say "gay" for me because I was sobbing uncontrollably. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do next to announcing to my kids I was divorcing their mother.

​I'm not looking for your pity, nor absolution. Marrying a straight woman was wrong. Cheating on her was wrong. Lying to her was wrong. Divorcing her was wrong. Acting like a narcissist *sshole was so very wrong. I own all of these things and have apologized to her, her entire family, and my children. I joined this forum to better understand her perspective and perhaps seeking some sort of serenity. Yes I was born gay and I first felt gay desire at age 6. And yes I supressed it. I've never heard anyone stand up and yell, "I'm an alcoholic!" So we hide the bad things about ourselves. I hid my homosexuality for the reasons I've described here. A homophobic society didn't make me do these things. I did this. And I will forever live with the shame that I didn't have the courage to come out sooner. Had I had the courage to do so, things would have been so much better for all of us.

​I'm so sorry you and so many other straight spouses are suffering. I truly am. I wish I could go back and run from the altar. But I didn't. So now I'm just trying to understand how to make the best of a bad situation. I'm trying to make mud pies of the mud as my mom always says. Thanks again for sharing. I hope what I've written helps someone. It's certainly helped me.   

Last edited by Séan (December 21, 2016 5:29 pm)

Sean,   Ah.  I see.  Your presence here on the forum is all part of your project for self acceptance.   That's very clarifying.

Rene,
​I have no answers for you all I can say is that I seem to be in the same situation.  I just turned 37 with 2 small kids.  He always seemed so in love with me even more than I love him.  Last few years he's become so angry and moody.  He didn't disclose but I found out.  Now he's trying harder than ever to be a better husband and I simply don't understand why he would want to try so hard.  I also live in a progressive area (Toronto, Canada) and to me there is no reason why anyone would have to hide their sexuality. 
​I'm just wondering does your husband want to separate or is he trying to stay together?
​Vicky

Thanks for writing Rene. I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. In reply:

1. I am 4.5 weeks Post disclosure. My husband completely blindsighted me. I had no indication at all that my husband was gay or interested in men. To give you a little background, We have a 4.5 year old son and a 1.5 year old daughter and had just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary (we met when we were 20 and have been together for 14 years total). Recently we had not been getting along at all and fighting a lot (now i understand why). When he told me, it was after we got into a big fight and i told him that I couldn't live like this anymore and I was done. I told him I didn't know what was going on with him but I felt like I was walking on egg shells. Needless to say, when he said it was all his fault and then told me he has come to realize he is attracted to men I was completely taken by surprise. I don't think I even responded...I just walked out.

​I'm so sorry you have to go through this terrible situation. You and your children deserved better. As you may have read in other posts, many straight spouses who share here never hear the words "I'm gay" nor "It's my fault and I'm sorry" from their gay husbands. With or without an apology, I can imagine how difficult these words were for you to hear.    

2. Since his disclosure, I have found out that when we first started dating he just thought he was curious/attracted but didn't think much of it (so he says) and that he figured he was bisexual (to which I respond don't you think you should have told me that) and that it would never be an issue. He says that he was completely in love with me, attracted to me and thought we were forever but over time he has changed and he has come to realize that he is not Bi but gay. He said things became harder for him over the last couple years and I guess after our daughter was born is when he fully realized.

I can't imagine how difficult this conversation must have been for you, especially with two small kids. Many women have shared similar stories here and will perhaps post replies I hope. We had a debate in another thread about whether bisexuality truly exists or whether it's just a milestone on becoming gay. I also have a number of gay friends who came out as bi before accepting they were 100% gay.

3. I believe that people are born gay and it's just who they are.

I agree.

​4. My husband and I did not grow up in a time (we are in our mid 30s) where people were still in hiding and we have had so many friends over the years come out. I have a hard time understanding when he says he was in love with me...as a gay man how does one fall in love with a woman?

It's confusing I know...for both of you. I'll try to explain this based on my own journey. Your husband loves you. And he loved you when he married you ten years ago. If he's like me, in his teens he hid his homosexuality...maybe for religious reasons or because he feared rejection. He used the word "curious" which means he might have experimented with boys back then. But it scared him to be different. When he met you, he felt completely in love ​and ​probably in love with the idea that he was truly straight. At a time when most young people come out, he chose to be with you because of love, affection, and attraction towards you. But we can't hold our breath forever.

5. All my husband says is that he can't explain it but that he has changed. Its so hard for me to wrap my head around all of this, especially since our youngest is only 18 months and he claims he was still in love with me when she was born. I have probably rambled more than asked questions here but I am having such a hard time understand how one goes from being bi and loving a woman to being full on gay. For me, he must have always been gay but then how could he have then fallen in love with me?

​You're not rambling at all. This forum is a safe place for everyone to share their stories so I hope you'll come back. Perhaps it's less of a "change" as he describes it and more like a journey of self-discovery or perhaps self-acceptance. When we are hard-wired as gay from birth, we want to spend our lives with someone of the same sex. For gay people this is natural. Following the legalization of gay marriage, what's unusual is for a gay man or woman to marry the opposite sex. When we are young, we think we can hide our true feelings but that's a bit like trying to tread water forever. Over the years, your husband has realized the love he feels towards you is more like the love he'd feel towards a sister. I'm sorry if that's painful to read. Yes it's deep love and affection, but it's also ​platonic ​love and affection. Your story resembles my own journey. At a young age, I felt an attraction towards other boys but supressed it. In my teens, rather than come out I met a wonderful woman and fell deeply in love. I also fell in love with being straight. This closed the door on any possibility of me coming out in my teens or 20s. Things went well until my mid-30s. In early middle age, I started to question who I was and wasn't interested in sex any more. I cheated on my wife in my 40s, then separation, and now divorce.   

But now let's focus on you and your journey. I'd recommend you share your feelings here as much as possible. There are wonderful, accepting, kind, and caring people here with a lot of wisdom to share. So keep coming back. As others may soon share, you've covered a lot of ground in a very short period of time. Your husband has admitted to being gay and appears to have apologized. You've reached out to your family rather than keep secrets. You've also separated. Many straight spouses spend their entire lives waiting for husbands to come out and express some form of regret...while living with the gay husband. These are early days indeed for both of you, but you're young enough to start over whereas some members often try to start over in their 60s. You also sound very strong, clear-headed (all things considered) and assertive.

​I hope I've answered your questions. If not, please feel free to write again. Thanks for sharing Renee.  

Last edited by Séan (December 22, 2016 1:17 pm)