I know this feeling, I am now beginning to understand why his mom wanted us to "just live together" an not get married. Wish I had listened. 

I do feel your pain, and I am sorry you have found yourself in this situation. People here are great and don't mind if you have to rant once in a while.

I must say that the one silver lining here is that I can now see that I was not the horrible husband and father that my wife always made me out to be. I talked with both of my sons over the weekend and though I did not tell them that their mother thinks she is gay we did talk about their childhoods. Both said that they had great memories with me and both had issues with their mother. Both boys pointed out that I was their scout leader and soccer and football coach. I was the parent that was active in their personal and school lives, my wife never seemed to even make it to most of their sports matches or school events. I now remember my younger son's teacher asking me if his mother had passed away or if I was divorced because she had never seen my wife at school in the entire year (4th grade). And I was always the bad parent according to my wife. This is not what everyone else sees. Also a lot of our friends form our years together are still my friends and not hers. So many people from our past do not want to talk with her and as one friend I confided in says, she does not trust my wife. Wow and all this time she had me thinking I was Hitler reincarnate.   

Hi Ted,

So sorry you're going through all of this.  These people don't just suddenly "become" gay one day, as if struck by lightening.  They've known for a looooong time - and they know for sure - by the time they come to us and let us sneak an itty-bitty-tiny peek at what they say is them thinking that maybe - just maybe - they're gay.  It's their way of starting down a path that hopefully leads to them being free to indulge in their true sexuality while still having their safety net in case they need to pull back for whatever reason.  If the two of you both go on out-of-town trips for extended periods of time, and she's had opportunity to indulge and "try out" her new sexuality, then trust me when I say that she's only telling you so that she can begin the process of breaking away.

There's an old joke that I refer to as the Cat on the Roof joke:
Woman goes out of town and calls home and asks hubby how everything at home is.  He says, "the cat died."  She is hysterical - "WHY did you just blurt it out like that?!?  Couldn't you have broken it to me more gently?"  "How?", he says.  "Well", she says, "the first day I called home you could have said, "The cat's on the roof".  And then the next day you could have said, "the cat fell off the roof."  Day three you could have said the cat isn't doing well from the fall.  Day four you could have said, "it's not looking like the cat's going to make it," and then the fifth day you could have told me that the cat died.  This is just such a shock!"  The husband says, "I'm sorry, honey.  I'll try to remember that the next time something like this happens."  The next day, the woman calls home and asks her husband how everything at home is.  He replies, "Your mother's on the roof."

They're all just trying to break the news to us gently - so we don't freak out and run, or kick them out and pitch a fit and make them look bad.  Then they can somehow get permission to "go find out if they're gay" - which is a freaking hall pass to openly galavanting around, having sex with others.  It will take them a while to "find out" - because the sooner they figure it out, the sooner you will want to figure out what to do with that information.  If they've got permission to have their cake and eat it too, they will - every.damned.time.  It's your job to say, "I don't care if you're a damned PLATAPUS - you're not running out and having sex with platipuses.  We're married, we committed to each other, and if you're telling me that you want to have sex with others - then have at it.  But not with me by your side.  I'm out.  But...... IF you said that?  There would be a huge fit pitched on HER end - because she's fully expecting you to be a chump for some reason and let her go play.  If you say no, she will just go back to being covert again until she feels that she can no longer live with a foot in both worlds.  And then she'll choose the other world.  Until she get dumped, which is when she comes back and says that she's NOT gay, she's done with that lifestyle, and she wants you back.  Wash, rinse, repeat ad nauseum.

She's lying to you, plain and simple.  She KNOWS she's gay, and she's been cheating on you a long time.  She just doesn't want you to think that's the truth because it makes her look bad.  And if there's anything that's precious to a narcissist, it's their image.  You are simply collateral damage.  Don't let yourself be taken advantage of in this way.  Make no future plans except for how to start your new, separate life.

You can do this.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (December 19, 2016 2:18 pm)

Keep moving forward Ted.  You are doing fantastic!  

She thinks that she can control you. 

If she says everything is alright the she thinks you will believe her.  She thinks that avoiding the topic will make it go away. 

My advice for you is this..  start making legal preparation for divorce if that is your plan.  Don't tell her you are doing it.  Make her think she is controlling you.  The element of surprise can be very useful in divorce proceedings.  If you plan to use an attorney, visit them now and ask what actions you can take before you file to make things better for you.  If your state considers an affair useful to you in court, consider hiring a PI to get proof for you, unless you can find it yourself.  Unfortunately, divorce becomes a business transaction and you want to be way ahead of the game if possible.