Jkpeace.
Hubby would answer your statement to me: "I give her everything - she wants for nothing - and I' am  going to the doctor "
That's his mantra to me for the past 15 years!!
Someone somewhere said -passion in a marraige comes out very differently for all -
That  has become very clear  to me now :
In my marraige there is Zero passion - except when we argue-
Last night it was the same story - hubby sAys to me - I can't control how often S calls me and then it turns into - you are being very rude to ask me to give up a friendship of 40 years!!!!

I'm waiting until after the holidays to see what will be - I think I'll survive without him just fine ( we have separated before) - I want my children not to be upset - they are coming to visit from out of state-

But whenever this conversation comes up - it's always he's the innocent victim and I'm the shrue!!!

Last edited by Ontheroad (December 17, 2016 11:14 am)

Let's insert some reality here. Sorry, Sean. What you did isn't okay. Your choice is your choice but you duped and destroyed a straight woman's life for decades.  That's NOT okay with me. It's cruel, thoughtless and self absorbed. You are no different than the man I just threw out 9 months ago. I have no questions for you.

I could be wrong but I think Sean started this thread as a place for people who wanted to hear the other side and get their perspective could go to do so.  Those who are hurt or bothered by the gay spouse perspective can avoid the hurt by not coming here.  I also think he's made it clear that he realizes he was a dick to his former wife (to put it bluntly).  Question Sean, does your wife forgive you?  Are you amicable.  You may have already covered that but this thread is 18 pages long.  I think SSN is going to start charging you for storage space...LOL.

Vicky

For the record if I was the thread starter feel free to respond to my posts.  No need to copy here.  I didn't realize you were doing that until recently so I probably missed stuff.

​I don't think my partner is a monster I think he's denied himself for a long time and he's hurt himself and me in the process.  A major problem has been I didn't put any emphasis on the hurting 'me' part until recently.  I was too worried about him.  I'm working to change that.  He's working on counselling and trying to be a better person.  I'm hopeful that will lead to him finally being honest about his sexuality.  
 
​Vicky

Thanks for writing JK. In response to your message:

"I have a question for you.  I have my own theory, but I'd rather hear yours: My husband no longer lives with us, but our divorce is not final.  He is very depressed.  (He is also depressed about being unemployed; he is working very hard with networking, but has found nothing, yet). He says he misses our family being together:  him, me and the kids. OK...I'll say my theory:  I think he misses my companionship and he misses home and he misses the kids.  He feels lost.  He doesn't know who he is.  He's scared. Your input on anything slightly related would be appreciated."

Gay or straight, divorce is difficult. Unemployment is difficult. Loneliness is difficult. Coming out is difficult. But dealing with all four at the same time while feeling guilt and shame about breaking up my family really tested me. Having read through countless posts here, there seems to be a common thread. The common element appears to be extremely broken gay men who share their lives with incredibly strong, loving, caring, and supportive straight wives. While gay husbands may on the surface appear confident, indifferent, and perhaps even a bit cruel, this is simply a mask. I'm now convinced that spending so many years in the closet transformed me, a generally good-natured and mild-mannered person, into a narcissist, if not a full-blown sociopath. I look at the final years of my marriage and shudder. It was as if I had a drug addiction I did so many terrible things. 

​So what's my point? Narcissism is nothing but a mask. It's an adult stuck in toddler-like self-centredness complete with the tantrums, "ME" or "MINE" attitude, and a complete inability to think of others. But here's the rub: narcissists can't stand to be alone. We need others and demand they provide us with love and attention. Why? Because we so hate ourselves that being alone forces us to confront our inner demons. We pretend to want freedom from our straight marriages and yet we're too cowardly to actually leave. An emotionally healthy person would move on, but the gay spouse is often clinging to you for not only love and attention but also in some strange attempt to cling to his heterosexual identity.

So what do I think about your husband's depression? I think it's a good thing really which may sound strange. Depression is a natural emotional response. A pure narcissist would have already found someone else and coldly moved on, discarding his family. An example I've often read here is of the gay-in-denial narcissist husband remarrying a woman. That's the unhealthy response because he continues to live in the lie. I think of depression as a lapse of time between my false perception of things, I'm straight and married, and reality, I'm gay and need to divorce. My depression was an emotional reset during which I had to question my behaviour, accept consequences, apologise, and rebuild.

​I hope that answers your questions my friend. If not, please feel free to write again.

Last edited by Séan (December 19, 2016 3:53 am)