Sean,

This is an awesome synopsis of my marriage.  I imagine that many other women here can relate.  I wonder if this goes across the aisle to lesbian wives.

This is such fertile and unexplored ground for psychologists.  Someone could make a career of studying this phenomenon and do a lot of good at the same time.

I confess that I wish my ex husband's secrets would be revealed. When I see on the news that a perpetrator went free, I feel the pain of the victim.  It seems as if another crime has been committed and the perpetrator always walks away boastful in his victory.  I see myself in this situation because of the secrets and the lack of accountability for my ex's behavior.  Last weekend I accidentally came across photos of my ex's recent wedding.  The comments included many from his family and one from a friend. They were all loving and supportive even the one from the friend to whom I have confided my truth.  His very young bride was stunning in her gown and he looked foolish in his ill fitting tux and very mature face.

I keep hearing that I need to move on and forget about the past.  It seems that this comes from three sources: 1. Well meaning but clueless friends, 2. People who had a gay ex but that ex has come out or has been exposed, 3. People who had a gay ex and no children and were truly able to lose contact.

My life is so much better than it was while married and most of my days are filled with joy.  I do however still have occasional flashbacks and react to some triggers.  I would love a glimpse into my ex's future as an old closeted married gay man.  The truth is so healing and until my truth comes into the light it feels as if I will never be completely free of him.  I can tell all the people I want that he is gay but it only serves to make me look like a scorned ex wife and does nothing to hold him accountable.  People simply don't see my ex as anything other than a good christian heterosexual family man.  He has nurtured his image very well and for a very long time.  I on the other hand, am an open book and have shown myself warts and all for all the world to see for all my life.  It is not a fair comparison.  

 

Sean,

I caught my husband in a round about way, my story is posted, and I have some questions. 

1. He said that he was "just curious", when finally confronted with undeniable proof. But the emails and pics I found started from before our marriage. Can someone be "curious" for that long? (6 1/2 years)

2.  He recently finished college for massage therapy and is scheduled to go to a naturopathy college out of state. He says he has stopped all activity, my gut says he's a liar, (still missing time and locked cellphone that's never out of his sight) and one minute he is talking about going out of state first to set things up. Then decides he can't go without me? am I correct in my assessment that he is trying to find the courage to break free?  He seems unable to make a decision.

4. He wants an open marriage, he wants me to "watch" or "join in" this turns my stomach. I can't watch a man I have loved for most of my adult life with someone else, man, woman or purple people eater. Regardless of gender, it's still cheating. 

5. I have tried to get him to understand #4, he doesn't see it as cheating if it was a man. The problem is, I know it was both (emails). He can't understand why this hurt me, is it really possible for him to not understand or is he denying this situation so that he doesn't have to take responsibility?

6. How do you tell if someone is addicted to sex? What type of behaviors do they display?

7. He has ruined my finances in such a way (he did this right after being confronted) that I am left with the prospect of living under a bridge if he abandons me now. Is this really all I have to show for being a loving, loyal wife and giving my all to our lives together? More importantly, after reading these questions am I really such an idiot that I have to ask? I could kick myself because I am so delusional, but I would love to hear your thoughts. (not on being delusional, I think I have that part covered, but the rest)

Joanne

I tried to add a winky face to my PS message Ruby but it didn't work. I believe you. Turning now to the next post, thanks for writing Joanne. In reply:

1. He said that he was "just curious", when finally confronted with undeniable proof. But the emails and pics I found started from before our marriage. Can someone be "curious" for that long? (6 1/2 years)

Ummmm no. He's likely gay but just not ready to accept it. There are three stages to coming out: stage 1 is denial ("I'm not gay"); stage 2 is partially out of the closet but still hiding it from friends or family (often the cheating stage); and stage 3 is when we finally accept we are gay and any consequences of this acceptance. This is a very difficult time when you likely know the truth, 'my husband is gay', and yet you're understandably struggling with it. It's not uncommon for a wife to try and explain away his 'gay curiosity' with excuses like, "his father was absent" or "he was molested" or any other bullsh*t stories he's fed you over the years. I'm not judging you nor your husband as we've all been through this.

2.  He recently finished college for massage therapy and is scheduled to go to a naturopathy college out of state. He says he has stopped all activity, my gut says he's a liar, (still missing time and locked cellphone that's never out of his sight) and one minute he is talking about going out of state first to set things up. Then decides he can't go without me? am I correct in my assessment that he is trying to find the courage to break free?  He seems unable to make a decision.

It's common during this "limbo" stage (when you both know the truth but are not quite ready to confront it) to use softer terms like "same sex attraction" and "activity." Again this is just part of the process of acceptance. So let's be honest and say he claims to have stopped cheating with men. I'd trust your gut on whether it's true or not. If he's working as a massage therapist, we can probably also assume he's using that time to act out as well. With regards to the waffling, he's testing your reaction which is something gay-in-denial narcissists do quite a bit. He might also put out suggestions and then quickly retract them to confuse you, which is called gaslighting, or make it seem like these things were your ideas. "I know you want me to move away. Do you?" is something you've probably heard. I'd read up on narcissism.  

4. He wants an open marriage, he wants me to "watch" or "join in" this turns my stomach. I can't watch a man I have loved for most of my adult life with someone else, man, woman or purple people eater. Regardless of gender, it's still cheating. 

​You're absolutely right to have your own relationship boundaries. This is a confusing time for your gay husband. Until he has reached a point of fully accepting his homosexuality, he'll keep coming back to you as a sort of straight safe place. The reason he wants you as part of a threeway is to continue convincing himself he's not gay.

5. I have tried to get him to understand #4, he doesn't see it as cheating if it was a man. The problem is, I know it was both (emails). He can't understand why this hurt me, is it really possible for him to not understand or is he denying this situation so that he doesn't have to take responsibility?

Gay in denial spouses suffer from several problems when it comes to relationships: a lack of maturity; blatant dishonesty; and the narcissist's inability to sympathize with others. Most people have a sense of their sexual orientation around age 5 or 6. When you confront your husband with the truth of his wrongdoing, you may feel like you're scolding a young child, or perhaps a petulant teenager. Given what you've described, I'd focus more on what you want and what you're going to do because the gay husband rarely does 'the right thing.'    

6. How do you tell if someone is addicted to sex? What type of behaviors do they display?

​I went through my 'gay adolescence' in my early 40s and it was a period of hypersexuality that was akin to sex addiction. It was a period of making up for lost time and a time when I slept with countless men. I think we should distinguish between the slutty phase just after coming out when a man is consumed by years of pent up passion and lifelong sex addiction. I believe sex addiction is defined as using sexual behaviour to manage one's feelings. It's also a time when the pursuit of sex takes over the normal functioning of a person's life. The sex addict will set everything aside, family, friends, work, to have sex. I'd go to any Sex Addict's Anonymous website to learn more.      

7. He has ruined my finances in such a way (he did this right after being confronted) that I am left with the prospect of living under a bridge if he abandons me now. Is this really all I have to show for being a loving, loyal wife and giving my all to our lives together? More importantly, after reading these questions am I really such an idiot that I have to ask? I could kick myself because I am so delusional, but I would love to hear your thoughts. (not on being delusional, I think I have that part covered, but the rest).

​I'm so sorry that he ruined your finances. What you deserve more than money is love, respect, and true intimacy from your partner. I'd stop focusing on the gay thing and ask yourself, "Do I deserve more than this?" If the answer is yes, gay or straight you should start planning for separation/divorce.

​I hope I haven't written anything that offends you. If I haven't answered your questions, please feel free to write again.


 

Last edited by Séan (December 16, 2016 1:57 pm)

I believe my husband is in love with another man but the man lives thousands of miles from us so the intimacy they share is on the telephone-
My husband needs this man in his life and vice versa- they put each other above and before everything -
FYI - they were college roommates - but the friend seems to be more sexually active then my hubby-

I don't know how to feel because he swears he wants to stay married to me and not give up his friendship of forty years with the man even though he knows it bothers me when they talk so often.

Also my husband has always suffered from ED - I suggested to him it was because he really wasn't interested in women - he told me I was ridiculous!! because of the ED he tells me he feels like a sexual failure and that's why we never have intercourse. He on occasion has initiated oral sex on me -
But his answers now are -  he has no sex drive-This has been going on for 1/2 of our marraige.

I don't know what to believe-

Thoughts???

Last edited by Ontheroad (December 16, 2016 8:05 pm)

JK what an uplifting story. It's nice to read about such random acts of kindness. Ontheroad: it certainly sounds like you're with a black belt narcissist who is slowly driving you insane with his lies and manipulations. I'd suggest you stop focusing on his lies and zero in on what you want out of life. It's now time to start thinking in terms of what you can do now, rather than how you can fix him. I'd suggest you take out a piece of paper and finish the following three sentences: 

Love for me means...
A husband should...
Marriage for me means...

There is a wonderful quote by author Ralph Waldo Emerson: "Your actions speak so loudly, I can not hear what you are saying.” Remove your husband from the equation and all the existential questions of whether he is gay or straight. I'd suggest you simply make a list of what he's done over the years: 

1. Watched gay porn. 
2. Slept with men. 
3. Intimate, almost husband-like, relationship with a male friend for almost 40 years. 
4. Has lied, cheated, and manipulated his wife. 

I could go on but I think you get the gist. I'd then take your list to a mental health professional, friend, family member, or a trusted priest/pastor and read it. What I think you need now is to stop letting your gay in denial husband control you and the narrative of your relationship. It's time to stop looking at the symptoms, like erectile dysfunction, his "friend," and whether he's cheating or not, and start looking at the disease. Clearly your husband is gay, he'll never own up to it, and he's ruining your mental health. It's time for you to start building a new, honest life and loving, caring relationships outside of your gay/straight marriage. It's time to start focusing 100% on you, your needs, and what you want out of life. There is an expression at the bottom of your posts: "You are only responsible for what you do, not for what anyone else does."
I hope that helps in some small way. 

Last edited by Séan (December 17, 2016 2:22 am)