Lostdad..

Yeah it all felt surreal as I went through it.  Slow and steady. Sucks that's it's around the holidays but you did not cause any of it.  Walk forward.

Last edited by Rob (November 25, 2016 10:17 pm)

Lostdad,

Things may never be good between me and my ex.    I'm still smarting from how horrible she was during the divorce...  it was not purgatory..it was hell..  If someone asked me what hell looked like I would say it was full of raging GID spouses who want their spouses to leave the house (but keep paying all the bills).
I miss the person she was but the devil she became will always be with me..forever.
Rage, cursing if I spoke, throwing things at me  (especially if I would not agree to settlement demands..ie
alimony until I'm buried in the ground...um..no).    I was so close to changing my name and fleeing to parts unknown..only my kids kept me  here  (and on this earth).

I give you my story to help maybe make yours not so bad.. hang in there..   With the divorce signed I hope she moves out.   Stoic...like a rock we must be.    After  she is gone let us know and the  party will be at your house.

I am so sorry lostdad. try to keep your head up!

I've been struggling a lot these past few days.  The divorce was final on Friday.  With it being final I no longer had to fear the unknown legal and financial issues that might come along if I made her angry or really confronted her.  I had to protect myself and my future, so that became a priority over expressing my real emotions and anger.   When it became final I was finally able to open up to some of my emotions and express them.  I am proud of myself because even now that I no longer have to walk on egg-shells, I still didn't yell, scream, swear, or call her names.  

I confronted her about lying to me about continuing her affair.  She of course said that I was just trying to control her and "she had to lie to me".  I said that was all a load of crap and I want her to move out.  She is close to being done with her home purchase, and it's the holiday season and I don't want my kids to think I'm horrible for kicking her out right now, so I backed down on that.  I gave her the $40k that I agreed to and she is just waiting for one document to come in the mail.  Hopefully she will be out in the next week or so.  

One big event was on Sat.  My boys saw that I was depressed and asked me what was going on.  After 5 months of lying to them and skirting the truth and telling them I couldn't talk about things I finally had enough and told them.  I let them know the truth.  That we had gotten divorced officially.  That it was NOT my fault or my desire.  I told them I did everything I could to save our marriage and family, but in then it was her choice and I couldn't stop her.  I told them that mommy had fallen in love with another person and that it was a horrible thing to do while you are married.  I told them that they would have to decide for themselves if they think it's ok or not to be homosexual.  I said that I think the Bible says it's wrong, but mommy thinks the bible says it's ok.  I didn't paint mom as a terrible person.  I told them that we all make mistakes.  I told them that both mom and dad will always love them very much and no matter what happens between mom and dad our love for them will never fail.  

I also sent her a text message and told her that I had the conversation.  I didn't want her to think that it was a sneak attack or something bad of me.  I just was done lying to the my sons. 

She was fuming mad of course.  She said it was horrible of me to "out" her to her own children.  I said that I was sorry for not doing it with her there, but that she also had 5 months to tell the truth and didn't.. so I wasn't willing to lie to them anymore. 

I might have finally cracked the scales over her eyes..  By Sunday night she was sobbing in the living room by herself.  She said she realized how much damage she had done to everyone's lives.  She wasn't willing to break off her relationship, but at least she seemed to finally stop shifting the blame to me.  I'm not sure if this was just a quick glimmer of reality and she will go back to being selfish, or if maybe her eyes will continue to open and she will return to being a decent human being.  I know that our marriage is over and won't be restored because no matter what, she is a lesbian.  But it would sure be nice if she would do the right thing and break off her affair and actually apologize and come to good terms with me. 

I'm contemplating reaching out to her lover's husband.  Since I know exactly the pain he is going through I feel responsible to reach out to him with support.  The hitch is that he might not know about his own wife's affair.  While that would be a satisfying revenge against the woman that stole my wife from me, I don't want to risk getting in the middle of something very awkward.  Still.. I feel like I owe it to him to let him know that there is a support network available to him.  


I cannot explain how much the hope of finding someone new changes my mood.  Over and over, when I find myself in a terrible, depressed, and awful mood, I go on my phone and just page through free dating sites and read look at pictures and read the profiles of so many different women.  I don't ever reach out to anyone, but just looking really changes my mood.  The optimism that comes from potentially finding a new and straight woman to spend my life with is so uplifting.  I am of course very scared of being turned down and potentially never finding another spouse..  but for now just looking really helps me. 


I guess each day is getting better now.  I'm a little worried about those first few days after she leaves me and moves out, but my parents are going to come stay with me and help me redecorate the house and spend a couple weeks just being here with me.  I'm looking forward to making the house my own, so her moving out will be mixed..  at least it's not all negative. 


Anyway..  the saga continues. 

Last edited by lostdad (December 12, 2016 3:14 pm)

lostdad, I totally agree with Rob. No contact.  As difficult as it may be, you are free. Her problems are simply not yours anymore.  It's easy to move back in to "fix" mode, especially out of anger.  What your ex-wife and her lover do now are theirs, and no one elses.  Focus on your life and your family, your parents coming to help your family through the holidays, and new traditions.  

How old are your kids?  How have they been since learning the truth? 

You said something interesting..." it would sure be nice if she would do the right thing and break off her affair and actually apologize and come to good terms with me. "

As much as it hurts to read this, your right thing and hers are vastly different.  Perhaps she believes she is doing the right thing by loving who she does. Regardless of her sexual orientation though, lies are lies.  In our unique situation, we have double betrayal; first the cheating, then TGT.  Since she has not apologized for either, my guess is she could be feeling like she did what she had to. 

You also said, "While that would be a satisfying revenge against the woman that stole my wife from me, I don't want to risk getting in the middle of something very awkward.  Still.. I feel like I owe it to him to let him know that there is a support network available to him.  "

My question on that is how would it help YOU? By getting revenge?  It's easy to place your anger at the source of your ex- wife's affection and love, but it is a 2 way street. Your ex-wife was in it, too.  Adding more pain and anger to the situation helps no one, and your ex-wife is still the mother of your kids, and I'm guessing will be a part of their life.  As for the husband of the other party, he will find his way. It is his choice to reach out if and when he knows and needs your help.  You found this spot, and he can as well.  Or he may have other support that works better for him.  Or he may never find out.  Either way, it is not your concern or responsibility to carry around your ex-wife's baggage, feel bad for the choices she made, or "fix" things into what you wish they could be.  It's broken.  She broke it.  

I'm so sorry if this sounds harsh, but looking from the outside and reading your beliefs on these boards, it seems that in the end the only person you would be hurting is you, and your family.  As I've said many times on this forum, the thing that got me through all the pain and hell was knowing I could look myself in the eye in the mirror and know that I was my loving self, regardless of what I wish I could do.  Who do you want to be when you look in the mirror?  Who do you want your kids to learn from? 

lostdad, you are right to have all of these emotions.  Anger is one of the many stages you'll go through along with depression.  Lean on people who understand and love you and you move through the grief and loss you've experienced.  Do good things for you, and your kids.  Ask for help from those that you love and trust. 

One last thing about the online dating.   Ah, I remember those days.  After feeling so strange and alone, it was so attractive to look for "normal" people.  The thing is, we all have our issues.  It will take time to grieve the loss of your wife, and even more time to trust someone again.  In my experience, it was a lot of work to trust myself again, my ability to make healthy choices, and my image of me as a desirable woman.  Some days I'm still not there, as strange as it may seem.   I went on a lot of dates, looking for "that feeling".  In the end, the feeling had to start with me.  I had to love myself instead of looking for someone to do it for me, or replace that feeling I so longed for that (it's hard to remember now) my ex had given me (in the good old days, when I thought he actually loved me).  We all want to be loved.  As I navigated through the dating scene, I found it harder and harder to be close to someone in any real way, because I found myself terrified to tell the truth of where I'd been.  Most people just don't get it, they don't understand this unique situation we find ourselves in.  I can count on one hand the men I've told who actually responded in a caring and loving way.  I wasn't ready to be out there, but I didn't want to feel what I was feeling.  Alone and abnormal, and undesired.  It's always easy to find any warm body to replace crappy feelings, the key is finding someone who "gets" you.  And for me, I held back in many ways and finally was able to see that putting a band-aid on an actively bleeding lost limb is not something that works.  Maybe in the short term, yes.  I also found that my need for complete honesty really hindered online dating, because you can be whatever you want to be online, and I was continually disappointed in real life that people were not truthful.  It always triggered me, and not in a good way.   Just sharing my experience, not that you will find the same to be true. 

The one thing I loved about your post is that you said looking at the profiles gave you hope.  Hope is a wonderful thing.  I wish you hope, I wish you love.    Hang in there, lostdad.