Sean,

"... I hope that helps in some small way. .."

Thanks, it does.. ..it validates to me what I went through... I was discarded...and boy did she suddenly project her bad behavior on me... I was mean..I cheated.. on and on..  it was all preposterous but said with absolute conviction..I was speechless most of the time in pure shock and horror.
Much of my time here and going to my therapist  is trying to get over TGT..  that I'm not crazy, that it really happened... that I couldn't have caused all of it. 

I thank everyone for listening to me .  I'm trying to move on ...  so glad to be away from my narcissist...but too wounded and confused to  be totally over it all.

 

Last edited by Rob (December 10, 2016 7:52 am)

In response to your questions: 

"How does one deal with the projecting of a family narcissist?  Any way to stop it, any tips on how to handle it?  Christmas approaches..."

I'm afraid that I'm no expert, although I do consider myself a recovering narcissist. Youtube is a good resource that might help Lily. The narcissist needs a constant supply of adoration. Unfortunately, gay in denial narcs are highly manipulative and easily angered...particularly when they aren't getting exactly what they want. They also tend to create drama because some narcissists thrive on conflict. One method that seems to work well is to go "gray rock." I think I recall Kel writing about this in a previous post. I believe she shared her techniques of remaining as boring and non-committal as possible. I think she also limits time spent with her narc ex to avoid getting contaminated so to speak. 

Gray rock means acting as boring and uninteresting as possible, like a rock, so that the narcissist simply loses interest in you. It's important to keep in mind that you can't change a narcissist, nor can you force a gay-in-denial spouse to come out. The best way to protect yourself is to go no contact. If you have children together, some contact is of course necessary. Unfortunately, the narc ex will often use any contact to manipulate and gaslight you. So I'd recommend keeping minimal contact, perhaps via text only. And when responding to a narcissist, respond only when you're calm because the last thing you want is to show any emotion whatsover. So I'd recommend you keep your replies as short and uninteresting as possible. 

If your narc ex is telling everyone you're gay, you cheated, or otherwise caused the relationship to end, I wouldn't recommend getting in the mud so to speak. Arguing is useless because the narc will always win and your protestations will only make you look unstable. The narc also surrounds his/herself with people they can manipulate so there really isn't any point in trying to win back you former friends because he's likely been working on them once he sensed your marriage was ending. Just keep your distance, safe in the knowledge that your narc ex will eventually blow up most relationships other than his/her relationship with the kids. Narcissists eventually hang themselves on the countless lies they tell others. 

I hope that helps in some way. 
 

Perhaps young children provide the kind of unconditional love, attention, and adoration that we all need. I'm not sure narcissists can be good parents...perhaps they make particularly sh*tty parents. Who knows? I guess my point is that an ex-wife can't do anything to fix her gay-in-denial narcissist husband. Although many here have tried. If I use myself as an example, my wife and I spent 18 unhappy months together post-disclosure. During that difficult time, I became an even more toxic narcissist while she continued in vain to heal me. In my situation, we were better parents apart because we were no longer constantly distracted by our own broken relationship. At the very least, separation and divorce allowed us to focus on our kids. 

Last edited by Séan (December 11, 2016 4:34 pm)

This is a shout out to two incredibly brave new members, JK and Vicky. If you're in the early "questioning" stages of your journey with a gay (or gay in denial) spouse, they are wonderful examples of strength and courage.

​Straight spouses have often asked me why their partners used them or lied to them for decades about being gay. [When referring to gay/straight marriages, I write about a gay husband and straight wife but this doesn't exclude straight husbands and lesbian wives.] The question is along the lines of: "Why doesn't my gay husband just own it?" Looking at my own story, I didn't want to be gay. Society didn't want me to be gay. And so in my mind, I wasn't gay. I married and had children to conform while supressing my homosexuality.

​So what's my point. I didn't wake up every day and say to myself, "How can I f*ck up my life, my wife's life, and the lives of my three children? Ok let's get started!" While I often acted like a narcissist near the end of my marriage, there wasn't any malicious master plan. I just wanted a happy marriage and happy kids. Yes I was born gay, however, I didn't finally accept it until I started coming out to others. The last person I came out to was myself when I accepted the painful truth that I had two sh*tty choices: remain in a broken, sexless, and unhappy marriage; or divorce and potentially spend a lifetime alone, gay, and pathetic. Neither were very appealing choices as you can well imagine. 

So what's my point? While the gay spouse often lives through a period of denial, I believe many straight spouses share a similar period in denial. I've read countless posts here from straight wives who also question whether their husbands are truly gay. One recent post was the perfect example of a straight spouse trying to explain away her husband's homosexuality. It was along the lines of, "I know he's slept with hundreds of men but before he met me. ​He told me he was just getting off and that no feelings were involved."

​If I remember correctly, JK knew that her husband had a year-long relationship with a younger man. But until recently she maintained that it was platonic. Similarly, Vicky continues to question whether her husband is truly gay as he has feelings for her and yet sexual urges towards men. I've often referred to this period as "limbo." It's a certain amount of time post-discovery when we're starting to work through the shock and pain that our marriage might really end.

​My point is that for every straight spouse who demands: "Just come out of the closet for f*ck sake!"...there are just as many straight spouses who are grappling with their own form of coming out. And their coming out journey is about accepting their spouse's homosexuality. ​Kel is someone I truly admire and respect. She's a very "tell it like it is" person who has very generously shared her journey from straight spouse, to angry ex-wife, to forgiving her gay ex-husband. But even she just realized that her ex-husband was a narcissist! Sometimes I've stood too close to a work of art that I can't truly see what it is. Sometimes I have to stand back to truly appreciate and understand something.

​Taking a step back from my own story was exactly what I needed to do to move on. What went from, "Maybe I'm not gay" to "Maybe I can be gay and ​married" to the painful conclusion that "I'm making no one happy by being a gay man married to a straight woman." But it's a journey. Post-disclosure, my (then) wife and I were in shock. We bumped along in limbo/denial for about 18 months before it became apparent we could no longer remain together. It was just too painful.

​So for every straight spouse asking a gay spouse to just "OWN IT!" I'm reminded that both gay and straight spouses go through a gay-in-denial or bargaining period. It's a time when they try to explain away, minimize, or even accommodate the gay thing. So while some of us may still be closeted or perhaps choose to forever remain in the closet, we unfortunately force our straight spouses into that same dark closet for a time. As Kel shared: "It's interesting how clearly I can see other peoples' shit, but not my own." 

Well done Vicky. You're taking action and doing things for yourself and the kids. Your posts seems more focused, assertive, and just generally stronger. What a terrific example for both your own family and this forum. You make an excellent point about sleeping better. Our bodies often tell us how we're truly feeling before our brains catch up. I remember seeing a naturopath shortly after coming out to my (then) wife. I was a complete wreck both mentally and physically. But when he dared mention that I was likely 'depressed' I went into a rage, claiming 'I've never been happier!' It was complete bullsh*t and I can laugh about how delusional I must have looked back then. If you're sleeping better, that means you're resting both body and mind. Keep going and please keep sharing your journey.    

Last edited by Séan (December 16, 2016 7:37 am)