First off, Hi Ruby, nice to see you here.  Your strength in divorce was an inspiration to me as I went through my own.

Sean, I'd like to offer a little feedback - the way you are talking about your ex wife is becoming nicer and nicer.  It feels genuine to me.  Having felt all the bruises associated with being married to someone hiding himself, continuing to fool me until he was leaking misery and hatred, I really appreciate it.

The way I feel, what I need is that in a marriage we are both enablers - I want to be loved and supported in being me nothing else will do as it is the way I am.  

I am not so sure that there are more gay husbands than lesbian wives.  I just think it's harder for the man to hide it.  

Thanks Lily and Ruby for your posts. Ruby you've perfectly described an incremental approach to getting back on track after the shock of discovery. I applaud you both. I applaud all of the brave women here. ​Lily wrote:

"Sean, I'd like to offer a little feedback - the way you are talking about your ex wife is becoming nicer and nicer.  It feels genuine to me.  Having felt all the bruises associated with being married to someone hiding himself, continuing to fool me until he was leaking misery and hatred, I really appreciate it."

I'm always happy to get feedback so thank you Lily. This forum has given me an opportunity to share my journey while also (virtually) walking in my ex-wife's shoes. And man did she suffer because of me. I'd like to think of myself as a reformed narcissist who is slowly learning to empathize with others...including the mother of my three children. For a time, I did blame her but this was me being a coward/narcissist. I'm learning that real strength is being able to admit my mistakes, apologize, and change. That's why I'm here. Like all of you, I just want to heal and perhaps be a better person.  

Agreed. I didn't word this properly so I've revised it: "While the intentions may be good, I don't believe the straight spouse should play an active role because he/she ultimately wants to fix a broken marriage rather than free his/herself from the gay spouse." I don't think of straight spouses as pathetic. Far from it. So sorry if I offended you or any other members.



  
 

Sean,

Thank you for post #120. You have given me the WHY when everyone else said I would never get the WHY.  Never say never, right? I love it, you are onto something big. 

I'm a straight ex and i have posted on this site before. My wonderful ex gave me a permanent & expensive STD. I feel like I'm lost in a jungle with little means to protect myself from this happening again.  I don't have kids - but then again I don't have any driving force other than the will to fight to see another day. My GEX is experiencing what I assume is his love of his life. Meanwhile, I'm sitting here with nothing to look forward to. I am attractive and smart. I have a decent career. Why can't I get passed this?! I feel so stuck in somebody else's mud and I don't appreciate it. 

How do Straights move forward in this scenario, or is there someone else you know that I should ask? 

Thanks. 

Nosurrender,

It has been six years since my ex and I parted company.  My entire identity was wrapped up in my toxic marriage.  All I thought about was how to fix it and how to change me to make him want me.  I still have scars from my time with him and always will.  That is ok.  I consider them tuition paid for my education in life.  I am so much happier now than I was while married.  I had lost myself then.  I find myself smiling at random moments just because I am happy for no apparent reason.  I can take deep breaths which had eluded me for some time.  I realized recently that I am no longer angry and I hardly ever cry.  My once painful triggers are barely a blips on my radar.  I don't know when that happened.  I remember being angry about him living a normal life while I wallowed in pain.  I felt dirty.  I think a big step in my progress was moving out of the house we shared and into my own home where he had never been.  It is funny because I tried desperately to hang on to that house and lost it because of unforeseen reasons.  I think God was just pushing me along.

Be selfish.  Be patient.  Sometimes that will mean watching a sad movie and crying.  Sometimes it will mean going for a long walk.  Sometimes you may want to be surrounded by loud silly people.  I would avoid too much alcohol or other self medicating  substances.  Allow yourself to feel as much as possible.  These feelings are trapped in your body.  They need to be released.  I always felt cleansed after a good cry.  I find peace in solitude so I give myself lots of that.  If you find comfort in the company of others then this is an exciting opportunity to meet people who never met your spouse and can relate to you as an individual instead of a couple.  It really is one day at a time but it also matters what you do with each day.

To deal with my anger I found things to break.  My daughter had a lot of anger towards her father too.  We went to second hand stores and got things to break.  Dishes to smash and books to tear up.  Our living room was knee deep in torn up books.  We chose books that had appropriate titles to assist with our cleansing.  We would leave the mess for as long as we needed to look at it.  A few years ago a poster here talked about a pool table that belonged to her spouse.  She periodically took whacks at it until it was destroyed.  I took a knife to the mattress my ex used with his lover in my house.  Then I poured gasoline on it and called my ex to take it to the dump.  My ex hated onions.  I now cook with lots of onions.

You can't rush the process any more than you can rush a pregnancy.  Think of this as a rebirth and imagine yourself with a new and exciting self directed life at the other end.  A life that you have complete control over.  You no longer have to accomodate a spouse with a hidden agenda.  It will take a little time, everyone is different, but you will someday catch yourself smiling and then you will laugh at yourself.

You asked, "Why can't I get passed this?"  You can and you will.  It will take as long as it takes.  While all of our journeys are similar, they are also different.

Be selfish and be patient with yourself.  Don't you think you deserve to be treated that way?  I do.  We all do.

Ruby