We are still in the same house today. 

My divorce should be finalized this Friday if all goes well in court.  We did mediation and agreed to everything already so it should be fine for the judge to sign off and call it done. 

She made an offer on a house and will be closing near the end of the month.  So the end of our relationship is drawing near very quickly.  I'm not sure what to call it nowadays..  I'm doing my best to be amicable and kind, but after the divorce is final I'm not sure I'll be willing to continue walking on egg shells when i know full well that she is lying to me about continuing her affair.  So I might ask her to leave early. 

I guess I'm good at compartmentalizing things.  I can push aside my hurt and pain and anger and still pretend to be amicable with her for the time being.  I still need hugs to feel human and I'm scared of being lonely, so I just put all the bad stuff in a compartment in my brain and stow it away for the time-being.  While she continues to lie to my face and continues to tell me that I'm half to blame for our divorce (which is a load of BS), I just put it aside and keep taking things a day at a time.  It's better for the kids this way.  

What do you think is best for your kids?  One last holiday with Dad in the house?  Or are they better off with him gone?  I tend to think the former would be better for them for this holiday.  Can you stick it out one last month?  As long as things are amicable and no danger of violence or fighting in front of the kids?

I'm certainly not a perfect spouse, but like you.. my shortcomings and the challenges in our marriage were absolutely fixable.  Honestly i think we had a fantastic marriage...  other than sexually. 

When she first came out to me we went to a councilor and she said that she had no complaints about me as a husband.. that if she wasn't gay she would have been very happy with me.  

Since then, the guilt of her cheating has stacked up and now she's trying to assign blame to me so that she doesn't feel so bad.  She's deflecting..  She tells me that the divorce is half my fault because I was closed off to her while she was searching for her true self.  Apparently my efforts to prevent her from cheating on me and to stop her from turning into a lesbian (because i sensed it and was scared of it) made me a horrible person..   (headslap)

Your husband is doing the same thing.  When a person feels guilty they try to blame someone else.  it's a very common thing.  

I suggest to you that you will feel better about yourself later if you allow him to stay through the holiday.  Christmas at age 4 is a magical time.  He will be happier with both of you around.  Later on, you will give yourself a pat on the back for being a good parent be allowing him to stay through the holiday.   But make it perfectly clear that he's gone on Jan 1st or whatever day you pick. 

Make the decision that you are comfortable with..  the above is just my advice..  but I don't know you or how much you are hurting..  so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. 

Keep moving forward and preparing yourself for separation and divorce.  Use the time to prepare legally, financially, etc.. while he isn't expecting it.  The more prepared you are the better..   use the anger to fuel your movement forward. 

I hate when the gay spouse tries to point fingers at other issues besides the gay thing.  I mean - sure there were other issues - there are issues in all relationships, no matter how perfect.  But it's like they're just trying to shed the blame by pointing elsewhere.  That's like a doctor being sued for letting someone bleed out on the operating table, and then pointing out that they also had diabetes and thyroid problems, too.  Sooo????  Did they affect the patient bleeding out?  No?  Then it doesn't have anything to do with the reason they died.  They would argue that diabetes could have potentially killed them eventually.  Or the bad thyroid.  Sure it could have - but it didn't.  Bleeding out did.

I remember a number of years ago - feeling guilty when I told people that my marriage ended because my ex was gay.  I told my good girlfriend (who knew everything that had gone on within the relationship) that it felt like cheating to say that.  I mean, there WERE other issues - of which I was a part.  She said, "You HAD most of those other issues because of the gay thing.  They were all caused by him being gay (lack of intimacy, him being distant).  And others had nothing to do with the gay thing - like him being a child and constantly losing his job.  Which made you resentful.  The problem wasn't that there was resentment on your part in within the marriage.  The problem was that he did things that caused that resentment."  I wasn't perfect - I know that.  I'm much more mature now.  Much more able to accept my current partner for who he is without trying to make him into something or someone else.  More able to appreciate what I have.  But I'm convinced I would have been able to do those things for my former spouse too - if only he'd have been truthful and acted like a f*cking GROWN UP.

It turns out that the person we most have to convince of fault is ourselves.  Your ex may forevermore be convinced that it's your fault - you will never convince them otherwise if they want to believe it's not their fault.  your friends and family will understand if you say that your ex was gay.  If they don't, they're not supportive people.  You don't need to justify your divorce to ANYONE except for children still living at home.  And that's only because it's their business to know that you didn't throw in the towel on their family without thought.  Even then though - they don't need to know whose "fault" it was as much as they need to know that you tried and couldn't work it out.  NO.ONE is going to come knock on your door and ask you for proof of you trying hard enough in your marriage.  You are your own biggest roadblock in this area.  Once you decide that you know the truth and don't need to justify your adult choices to other adults, then you'll be much more free.  Truly.

Kel

Kel, Rene,

You got it...  While I'm learning to live on my own  to this day it baffles me how she can blame me for the divorce and everything else..  she cheated,  she lied, she became mean and cruel.    She always shifted the blame  saying I didn't do this .. I didnt do that.    She used this as the primary reason she filed for divorce  (and I guess why she was cheating)... this was all said as she was cheating.    As I went to therapy she actually thought the therapist would tell me what I did wrong... maybe she thought the therapist would tell me I married a gay woman and how could I not have known?        No, to this day it all defies reality..I know deep in my bones I could not have tried any harder.   I gave 110%.   I was kind, faithful and devoted.
I'm done trying to figure out why this happened or how she can live with herself on a moral level (she does)..     I'm trying to move forward...

Kel wrote:

Rob,

She blames you because it's too difficult to look at the alternative and be happy. She believes it because she wants to - desperately. It's her armor. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you. This is allll her - it's all about her, and if she feels righteous, then it's easy to justify what she's doing and only concentrate on moving on - which is what she wants to do. She wants to move toward one person, and in her mind, she needs an excuse to move away from the other person (you) in order to do so. If she finds something to be angry about, then she can move on without guilt, taking responsibility or seeing things from your side. So she's created a situation where she's the victim, so she can feel entitled to her feelings and actions. You therefore are left holding the role of the attacker. It's an entire scenario created out of her own desire to not feel guilt.

Kel

Yes  that is it Kel..it just baffles me to this day because it is not true...she blew up the family to make it true but it is not .   How can someone live life or even move forward based on a lie.   I think, as everyone here is seeing,  for our spouses it was always a lie (living as a straight)..  so then when it comes time to divorce anything they do feels right and just to them as its either another lie or the real truth .to them there is no distinction.    Yes,  she told everyone she is the victim and she was divorcing her cruel horrible husband.   But I could not have been nicer or more devoted.  She will not find a person on this planet, including her wonderful girlfriend,  that will treat her better.