ROB!  I'm so happy for you!  See, it's possible to have a great holiday season even after divorce!  Yay!

Kel

Hi Vicky,

It's been a week since your original post, and I'm wondering how things are?  Did you move to another bedroom?  Is he still trying to act like nothing's wrong?  How are you feeling every day?

I saw that you were having feelings of relief and dare I say..... excitement over the future?!?  AWESOMENESS!!!  It's something that a lot of people feel once they get their head clear on a situation (not only with regards to the gay thing), and it's empowering!!!  It doesn't feel like that every moment of every day - wading through muck isn't pleasant.  But it's the base needed for deciding to wade through it in order to get to the other side.  Once you've made the realization that you've been being treated poorly and/or taken advantage of, and then you decide that you're not gonna put up with it any longer, you become very powerful.  It's only then that you see that YOU are in charge of how people treat you - that you can decide that you don't just need to put up with how you're treated - that you have choices and you can demand that you be treated well or you'll leave the relationship.  Many of us know that truth in the back of our heads, but it takes a while to see that we've given them that choice for a while now, and nothing's changing - and it doesn't look like it ever will.  That's a sad time, but it is what it is.  Getting clarity around it never changing and what you want to do about it can be a great place to be.

I also very much understand you being afraid of moving out of the bedroom because you think you'll be sad if he doesn't (appear to) care.  On the flip side, this is where I've had to do a lot of self-talk in order to get my emotions disengaged.  Think about it this way - there IS no good reaction for him to have - any reaction (or lack thereof) hurts.  If he cries and carries on, you may feel guilt that you're hurting him.  If he rages and blames, then you're upset that he's acting poorly.  If he acts like it isn't even happening, then you're sad that he apparently doesn't care. There IS no good option here.  So when you make a decision that you know will be painful no matter what, decide what's best and then resign yourself to carrying through with it despite the reaction.  It's best to get very clear on what you're going to say if approached - something planed and pat, like, "I'm doing this because I feel it's necessary for my mental well-being".  He cannot convince you otherwise - it's not up for freaking debate.  Just wash, rinse and repeat.  And when you feel sad over something (like the potential of him not reacting - or someday, moving onto someone else), and you feel that pang of betrayal or jealousy, you need to give yourself feedback - say over and over again, "I can let him go because I don't want this anymore".  It's amazing how much focusing on how YOU decided to move on can quell hurt and jealousy.

Thinking of you -

Kel
 

Hi
Thanks for checking in.  It's been awkward.  I suggested we move to separate rooms but that hasn't happened yet.  He made an appointment with a counselor today and she asked to see us both.  It was weird she was very passive and I wonder if she has the wherewithal to see the crap.  Oh well.  I said twice during the session that I would be continuing with my counselor.  No way I'm letting him pick who I see.  I can't recall when I last checked in so I don't know if I've already said this.  Last weekend I wrote him an email.  It said we only had a chance at a future if he did one of the following.  1. See a counselor he could see mine it might be easier because I told her everything.  About the stripper and the porn.  2. He could join an online forum MMOMW or HOW or HUGS I explained each one.  3. I would arrange a private email exchange with someone from one of those forums.

He refused them all.  He said he'd see a counselor but not THAT one.  Apparently I've somehow tainted my therapist against him it seems

Today at the session he was so apologetic and sorry and I must have seemed like a cold hearted bitch because I just sat there uncaring.  I don't know if she bought it but she might have.  She wants to see him alone next and then me.  Frankly I'm thinking 100 dollars this week and 200 next week then 100 for my counselor the week after is this really all worth it.  What are we hoping for?
Vicky

Vicky, mares,

Yeah I don't know how much counseling together will help anyone..  I know my ex would never go to counseling..only myself and the kids go to counseling..she sees nothing wrong with that..she's think she is right and we're all wrong.  Its sick and bizarre and ridiculous but god help the person that tries to tell her she is wrong.  I'm so glad to be away from her.  I miss the person I thought she was but if you put a gun to my head I would not want her back.  She hurt me so much.

Daryl, I am getting a better awareness of myself, along with it I feel determined to make myself a priority.  He is in panic mode right now, off for another counselling session.  He says he's committed to making a change.  I don't see a future for us but we have 2 kids together, so I think counselling is a good idea still.  We have awhile before we can move into new residences, so we're stuck here together.  Even after we move we're going to need to stay in constant touch with each other to co-parent and I think counselling will help with this.
In our first session he was so pitiful, 'I've tried' 'I love you' 'I'm so sorry' he even cried!  All I could do is sit there and think that I didn't believe him, that even his crying wasn't real, his eyes were red but he didn't have many tears.  He tried the route of saying he wasn't a monster, that it hasn't all been bad.  So in front of the counselor I called him out on one of the particularly crueler things he's repeatedly done to me that would 'shame me' and his defense was....I'm deeply ashamed but I haven't done that in a long time.  She interrupted at that point.  But he brought it up to me later and said he'd thought of it before and had wanted to apologize but it was difficult to bring up, I do not believe for a second that this is true he probably hadn't thought about how it affected me.  I told him the damage is done, despite he doesn't do that one thing anymore I'm like Pavlov's dog, when something triggers that memory I still feel a pang of stress/shame but I shouldn't I did nothing wrong.  
So I am learning to trust my observations; I see his 'crying' without tears, I hear him say he loves me but he's had 18 years to show me and it's only now that he's trying, he says he's ashamed but the he justifies his actions/defends himself in the same sentence, that is NOT feeling ashamed.  I'm learning to see through the bullshit.  And that feels great.
Vicky