Hello.
Some of the stories and details don't fit my situation so i felt some doubt about finding any...confirmation? Support? If there is even a chance it could resonate for someone I'll share. I'm not sure how much detail to provide so I will try to keep it brief and elaborate if questions come up.
This is a decades long story of my relationship. i'm female and met my male partner in college, which was  a pro LGBTQ friendly school. I have always been an ally as well as open minded sexually and let him know that i am a judgement free safe space. My partner had a girlfriend before me, who later turned out to be gay and let him know in the most devastating way. After he and i were in a relationship for years, little things would happen. Some of which I look back on now and wonder how I could have been so...naive? Trusting? But i gave my partner the benefit of the doubt and believed whatever he told me when I asked, even though it would be the same kind of things again and again. We always think that if we do something different, finally say just the right thing, the problem won't come up again...
Many years together later, we move to a new city, he has work trouble, his parents pass away and he is depressed. He would stay up late...be very vague when I would ask exploratory questions to find out what was going on inside his head. I find out ...phone and email snooping...that he has been talking and doing sexual things with people online. When confronted, he eventually tells me a bit more about himself...that when he was younger he experimented with men and that lately he was exploring and questioning his sexuality; that he likes to roleplay, its a fantasy. He said what he was doing doesnt reflect what his actual values are and that he wants to stop. I said that that sounds ok but that i need to know if he is having these kinds of feelings, it cant be a secret. And that it could also be something we explore together. The sexuality aspect of it doesnt bother me- but hiding and lying does.
It later intensified with his behavior and i finally get upset enough to ask him to leave. He tells me that he might be gay...then he is bi...he wants to get back together. He has always staunchly said that he wants to be with only me. He then was living on his own at that point and i tell him that this is a great time for him to really explore his needs without worrying about hurting me. While we were apart, I'd hear and see things at his apartment and I'd ask if he had reached out to the local LGBTQ organization to get support; if he'd connected with people that can support him that are also bi or gay. He wouldn't tell me much and said that some of the things I'd found at his place were from...new friends. Again, I didn't question it because we were not together and I don't judge him. Why would he lie about it when i've already said that it was ok?
Even years later after that...he wants to get back together and convinces me that he is all in this time with our relationship. I feel really torn about it but guilty because we had bought a house together which I stayed in and i do want the relationship to work. I felt like I had given him time and he was an adult who i could trust to tell me what he really wanted, which he said was me.
We get back together, but the relationship this time is different, I guess because I don't fully trust him and he probably felt like he was...on probation? Some pressure to feel like he was being a 'good' partner? For me I felt like the rose colored glasses were gone-but I also felt like that was better, to be able to see and understand someone completely.
Fast forward to now...I had an inkling and snooped again. The evidence goes back for months and strangely, i feel more clear at this happening yet again. I sat him down and have told him that I do not want to continue the romantic relationship. I have been trying to keep the emphasis on me...that I'd like to live my life differently, and that it is not about him doing 'wrong'.
I suspect he knows that I saw some things and now he wants to tell me his side; he still is vehement that he wants to stay together. I have decided to hear him out but I don't really feel the need to have a conversation with him about how to repair our relationship. Because i feel like that has already happened before and nothing will change. I'd like to focus more on the logistics about how to uncouple consciously. Maybe its a phase of grief for me or shock right now.

I wanted to let anyone going through anything similar right now is that...you might love them so much, but you loving and accepting them is not going to help them accept themselves. I can love him just as much and give him my support as a friend just as well as I always have. I deserve to feel safe and loved; having some part of me wondering if he's lying-to me or himself-is not going to be a big part of my life anymore.

If i had any questions, it would be...can i encourage him to come out? I feel that he is in denial but it is his life, and I've decided to focus on my own well being while being respectful of his. And how do you talk about your story without feeling like you're outing him?? In the past I had just kept it vague, that he had been lying or not being a full partner. Has anyone else been in a situation similar to mine? Thank you. 

Last edited by SadHuckleberry (Yesterday 5:32 pm)