Hi All.  I’ve been with my wife for 20 years. Married for 15 of those. We have a 15 year old son.   This story begins in 2011, when our son was born. Prior to that - a very healthy sex life. From the moment our son was born, a switch was flicked in her - in that she didn’t seem to want sex with me. Of course, I waited for a several months for things to heal for her, but when I tried to initiate she would come up with all the excuses under the sun, so I respected those. The few times that we did have sex, it wasn’t that great - I could tell she wasn’t in to it, so that put me off wanting to initiate. I blamed myself, and stayed fit and healthy, but that didn’t change anything.  That became status quo for a while, sex maybe 2-3 times per year, but also things like proper kisses stopped, general affection waned. However, I still loved her as my wife, my life companion and the mother of my son and thought maybe things would change over time. Then, 4 years later in 2015 she revealed to me that she had had an affair with a woman a few months prior.  This was a massive shock to me as I didn’t think she would be the kind of person to be unfaithful, let alone with a woman. It knocked me sideways, I was hospitalised with a crippling panic attack.  As the dust settled, I made it clear to her that I was not ready to give up on our marriage, and we both wanted to try and heal, both for ourselves and also our son.   Between then and now, we have been good life companions, buying and selling houses, raising an amazing son, our house was full of laughs and good times - but nothing improved physically - the sex completely stopped about 3’years ago. so this is 11 years on from the affair. For 11 years I’ve always held a question in my mind that I wanted to ask her - “are you actually bi, or gay?”. But I didn’t ask, because I was so scared of the answer being yes, and meaning it would be the end of our marriage. Looking back now I know it’s cowardly, but there was so much as stake with our son, our lives, jobs, friends and families, I just couldn’t face it.  Over the last year I noticed her going more inwards sometimes - almost like 2 versions of her personality - one being normal
And warm and loving, the other being very quiet, and kinda dark towards me - I could feel something was brewing. I asked her “babe, are you still in to me? Because it seems like you actually just don’t even like me”, to which she replied “yes babe” in an almost annoyed “how dare you ask me” kind of tone. Now, I’ve put on a fair bit of weight over the last year or so, so I started thinking it was just my physical appearance that was making her not want to be physical with me.‘I trained hard, ate well, lost some weight, but still no change. This really knocked my self esteem, but I just carried on as best I could. Then, the big reveal -  2 weeks ago, she announced after dinner one night that she wants to separate, because she has accepted that she is gay,’and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a man.  She said there is nobody else (I’m
Not entirely sure I believe that but for now I have no evidence otherwise), but basically she has been trying to figure out her sexuality for many years, not sure how to deal with it, not even knowing if it was true, and hiding this part of her and not being her true self, and also that she felt dishonest staying in a marriage with a man, as she said that I deserve to be in a romantic relationship with someone too.   Her main reason for holding out so long? She said that she didn’t want it to be true that she was gay.   When she said that it broke my heart,
To think of her struggling away, not knowing which way was up and not being able to talk to me about it because she knew it would put the marriage at risk.

So, here I am, 2 weeks in from that horrible news. She has moved out and is staying nearby. She is still making an effort to be around for my son. We are getting along pretty amicably, but there are a lot of unanswered questions I have, things like how long has she known, and why now?   Then of course there’s me over here doing the self blame thing. I can’t help but think if I’d been a better husband all those years ago that she wouldn’t have wanted to stray outside of the marriage, but I think back to then and i can honestly say i was there. I know I showed up.   I know that someone can’t make someone gay, but it’s really hard to not play the “what if” game.   

It’s early days yet, I know the marriage is over. I don’t want to be married to a lesbian, but I also don’t want to lose my best friend.   My head is a mess of emotions - sadness, anger, shame, and also some relief, it cycles in about an hourly basis, and it’s exhausting.   Even though I’m seeing her every few days when she pops over to see my son, that is bitter sweet - I’m glad to see her but it’s torture to look at the love of my life and know we’re not together anymore.
There’s uncertainty around what will happen with our property, where she will live, where I will live. - I’m not even sure I want to stay in this house from the memories and associations from a life that we created and has now ended.   But also mixed within that is a deep desire to understand how she came to this point, how, when,’and why? And i also want to support her and make sure she is ok in her new journey - because I know it’s scary for her. She’s had to leave her nice house, her son, doesn’t have any of her nice stuff - and is now having to come out as gay, that’s a huge thing for anyone to go through.   I’m just over here in the corner, feeling lost and confused,’trying to put a brave face on for my son while I miss her dearly, wondering if I’ll be alone without a partner for the rest of my life now….

I’m sorry this is so rambly. I’m aware I may have repeated myself several times and jumped around a bit. I just needed to get this story out of my head as best I could, because I can’t seem to talk to any of my friends about it properly - they don’t really get it, they just want to villainise her, and that’s not what I want. I want to find a way to move forward and find peace, but right now I can’t see a way towards that.   

Any and all advice please, would be most welcome. Thank you in advance. BB