OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
1 of 1- WannaBeOK
- New member
Offline
How to deal with the loss of my wife of 20 years...
My wife and I are divorcing after 20 years. We just decided last night, so everything is still so fresh. She has realized that she is no longer attracted to men, and it has been a burden on her for years. I didnt know she was going through this, and we do not have a bad relationship. That makes this so much more painful. Im grieving the loss of my marriage, I feel like ill never be happy again sometimes, and im terrified to not have her in my life. I feel alone in this situation since neither of us hate each other. Its still so raw. I want to keep her as a close friend, but idk how to not be in love with her anymore.
- freedmyself
- Member
Offline
Re: How to deal with the loss of my wife of 20 years...
Hi WannaBeOk,
I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. It's very painful to realize that the feelings you have for your wife are not reciprocated, especially if you thought everything was fine. That's a big shock to your system. My GXH and I divorced after 20+ years together, too.
Grieving is a good word for feelings about the end of a long marriage. Just as it is when we lose someone who dies, healing takes time and yet eventually we do adjust to our lives without them.
There's work we can do to help ourselves along. Even if your goal is to be friends with your ex wife, it might help to start looking around for other people who can provide a social outlet and emotional support.
Based on my own experience and what I've read in this forum, it seems likely that your road ahead is going to look different than hers. LGBT people who have recently emerged from years in the closet are generally excited to move forward into their new out life, and generally waste no time finding a community and/or love interest, if they don't already have one (my GXH had a whole gay life built out behind my back by the time he told me he's gay). As ex-spouses, we don't fit so well in their new life. Once they come out to us, they're relieved, and we're in turmoil. After he came out, my GXH spent his time partying while I was at home trying to figure out how I was going to rebuild my newly destroyed life.
I had so many different emotions after he came out - it was a real roller coaster. Even though you don't hate your wife, please be compassionate toward yourself if you do find a negative emotion or two bubbling up.
If this has been a burden on her for years, those were years in which she should have let you know about her sexuality, and yet she didn't.
Do you have someone in your life you can talk to - a close friend or family member? You're in good company here, and also it is tremendously helpful to have someone in real life as well.