OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Shelby
- New member
Offline
Re: 14 years....
Hi Deedok,
I am sorry you are here and having to go through this. No one wants this. I am glad you found this space. It has been immensely helpful to me. I am also a similar age and am in the beginning stages of working through disclosure and what this means for my relationship and future.
I wanted to say that I have all the same feelings of anger that I am in a relationship I didn't choose because I didn't have informed consent and I personally feel so used and resentful. I wonder if I will be alone or if I can ever meet someone or trust someone again and I want to just rip the bandaid off and get this over with if I am going to have to move on deal with this hurt and try and make something new of my life after this immense grief and loss. It is unfair and I feel like we have been strung along while they did what they needed to do to figure themselves out and the questions about if they really loved you or time was wasted are common every day for me. I hate that I feel like a placeholder. It's not a good feeling.
Similar situation when we met he pursued me and at that time there were so many reasons for me to choose a different life but I didn't. We can't change what has happened and I hear you with your worries about the future.
Know you are not alone. Keep reaching out.
- OutofHisCloset
- Member
Offline
Re: 14 years....
Shelby, You really hit the nail on the head. What galls is that they were willing to sacrifice us to their needs. Maybe they were unsure about their sexuality/gender identity, or hoping they could sort themselves out by marrying us (as apposed to downright knowing but duping us), but even so they used us, "strung [us] along while they did what they needed to do to figure themselves out." Then, after disclosure or discovery, they wanted and in some cases demanded that we remain with them and/or supportive of them. It's maddening.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: 14 years....
Deodorant,
"How did you finally accept it Rob?"
I didnt have much choice..she was actively cheating on me and became very cruel. The problem I eventually had then was that she became so mean.
Wishing you strength.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Deedok
- New member
Offline
Re: 14 years....
lily wrote:
Hi Deedok,
so sorry to hear of your pain, we can all sympathise here - the closet is a private hell for the blindsided straight.
I'm a bit older than you, I got hoovered up by my ex when I was 19, he was a few years older than me, and I stayed til my 50's not knowing what the problem was, he kept me so confused and feeling guilty like it was my fault!
that's a while ago now, I joined a bridge club after I got divorced and moved. Long enough to become fond of some of the people and it is sad to witness their pain - the business end of life with a lying spouse just gets so bad. omg.
But back to your story, from my perspective as a straight woman, we're not even in the picture while the straight men are being entranced by the fake antics of the bisexual lesbians. Feeling happy because you are with the man you love is not likely to involve posting selfies on the internet for everyone to see though it is likely to involve learning what your mate enjoys.
There's a lot of MOMs around.
Once you can see the performative edge of the same-sex oriented person while they are going about the business of attracting the straight they have selected, you are in a better position to avoid putting the next period of your life into the hands of a closeted lesbian. But once we're in we are blind to it, blinded by our own love and trust, it's like you are inside the bubble of their charm and it is a tough slog to get out of one of these relationships, particularly when married but if you do get the chance take it with both hands and know that you can rely on yourself in the long run.
Hope this helps, wishing you all the best, Lily
So in my time of disbelief of what she said, I sent my first girlfriend from 25 years ago a message on Instagram about what happened. We had kept a little bit in touch over the decades. She responded by giving me her phone number, and the past few days we have talked a bit. I know what you are saying because I am not realizing how selfish my wife was in our relationship. My ex even asked me how my first round of golf in two years was. My wife never would have asked me that question. Katrina has been a calming source in this time. I'm trying not to be weird about it all, but it's nice to hear from her; it's fun to catch up. We live completely separate lives; she is in Buffalo and has two kids, and she is divorced as well. She has some health issues that are hard for her, and she is trying to get on disability. I would rather have a woman who is active and can do things with me, but again, we know each other a lot; we were just young, dumb, stupid, and horny when we were together. She broke up the relationship because she wanted to have kids early in life. I never had kids, and when we talked, she said I would have been a good dad, and it sounded like maybe she thought of me in that role.
- •
Thread Starter- Deedok
- New member
Offline
Re: 14 years....
Hi Deedok,
I am sorry you are here and having to go through this. No one wants this. I am glad you found this space. It has been immensely helpful to me. I am also a similar age and am in the beginning stages of working through disclosure and what this means for my relationship and future.
I wanted to say that I have all the same feelings of anger that I am in a relationship I didn't choose because I didn't have informed consent and I personally feel so used and resentful. I wonder if I will be alone or if I can ever meet someone or trust someone again and I want to just rip the bandaid off and get this over with if I am going to have to move on deal with this hurt and try and make something new of my life after this immense grief and loss. It is unfair and I feel like we have been strung along while they did what they needed to do to figure themselves out and the questions about if they really loved you or time was wasted are common every day for me. I hate that I feel like a placeholder. It's not a good feeling.
Similar situation when we met he pursued me and at that time there were so many reasons for me to choose a different life but I didn't. We can't change what has happened and I hear you with your worries about the future.
Know you are not alone. Keep reaching out.
It just makes me feel like shit that the woman that I loved couldn't give her the life she wanted, but it's a life that I could have never given her. But I also feel that she resented me as a male; that makes me feel inferior. Makes me feel that I am ugly and resented. I accepted all of her gay friends and stuff, but I am tired of the whole gay thing at this point. She says it's not about money; she made twice as much as I did. But if I had gotten the true support from her, I could have been more successful myself. She keeps on saying that there wasn't one moment that made her not love me anymore, but there is a definite line, basically when the water was shut off. She said she tried some online therapy app and only did one session because she didn't like the person. Thinking back to our relationship, the last 3 years wasn't the only time when I asked her to be more intimate with me, so it feels like our relationship was more of a friendship than an actual lover marriage. I now know how selfish she was in the relationship after reconnecting with my first girlfriend from 25 years ago. I posted about it earlier if you want to read it. And yes, I had my first girlfriend at 21 in college; we were both virgins. So yeah, relationships have not been easy for me to come by, which makes this divorce so hard for me.
Last edited by Deedok (Today 1:13 am)
- •
Thread Starter