I have been with my wife for 14 years, 11 of them married. The last three years have been hell for me. She pursued me while we worked together; she was madly in love with me. I was in my early 30s, and she was in her mid-20s. She grew up with gay men as friends throughout high school and college. I came to find out just recently she was getting over a previous relationship. just a few months before. I guess I swept her off her feet. She would take selfies of us doing everything; any photo taken of us together, she placed her hand on my chest where my heart is. She grew to like Formula 1. I have watched racing since I was an infant, and it was like, "Wow, I found a woman to watch the sport with." My mom used to tell me not to talk about racing on dates. She became Catholic during her time at Xavier University.

We got married, and it was posting and reposting everything from that and after. Then 2023 happened; it was fine until June, when she went to the gay pride parade in Cincinnati with her friends, the friends she had since high school. She came home that night drunk and very horny. I was asleep at the time, and she basically raped me that night. She was covering my mouth as she rode me, telling me to be quiet due to her, at least I think, heterosexual friend, being in the other room. She was sexually aggressive that night; I mean, I enjoyed it, but it was just weird, not normal. In July she went to go see Pink play in Cincinnati and came back raving about the opening act, Brandi Carlile. In August and early September, I went to see a few races at Indianapolis, but she only put those in her saved reels for races and not her main account.

During that September weekend she looked like she was walking awkwardly; the next Tuesday she called me from the hospital. She had a vaginal cyst they needed to cut out. 
Now she has always refused to get a doctor for anything, and an OBGYN would have taken care of that. So October rolls around, and I reach over in bed to cuddle up and see if she wanted sex.
She physically pushed me away, so I thought, "Ok, maybe she isn't healed yet." Then she started sleeping on the couch. It wasn't unusual because her mother always slept on the couch. I do tend to snore. 
She also had just gotten a new job, and inventory was coming up.
"I thought she must be stressed with that." So I let her sleep on there without saying anything. Then she started to not initiate affection, even a hug or kiss, at the end of the day. 
Days became weeks, and weeks became months. Her father got sick with leukemia in February 2024; instead of coming to me for comfort, she became more distant. Here I was trying to support her, though it was coming to her to try and comfort her. This lasted the whole year. I tried to talk to her over and over again, and she would just respond. "I don't feel like myself." That was the response every time. I would say, "If you aren't going to talk about it with me, then find a doctor or a therapist to talk to." Remember, she never had a normal doctor to visit. Then the weight gain. She was always a plus-sized woman in school but after college started running. Maybe it was to please her ex first, but then she started to enjoy it. I like the active part of her; it made me feel youthful. She accomplished her goal to run a half marathon back in 2019 and continued to run off and on, which stopped in 2021. Don't get me wrong, I do like plus-sized women, and I thought that was part of it. She always had the mindset of a hoarder and just left her stuff everywhere. It was a point of contention when I would ask her to clean up her stuff. Then came Christmas 2024. After a full year of her sleeping on the couch, I decided to get her the date night and her work perfume that I have been buying her the whole time we were together. I also bought a sex toy, which was a hail mary to say I still want to be sexual with you. I will never forget her look when she opened it; she was mortified. I was very awkward, and I decided then I wasn't going to try and force the subject anymore. She eventually started sleeping in the bedroom again but would be so far on her side of the bed that she could have fallen off. Started sleeping with her own blanket. Then her father died in October 2025. I was there for her. I drove her to the hospital, and she reached over to hold and squeeze my hand, the only sign of affection from her in the last 3 years of our relationship. I was unfortunately unemployed at that time; it was the second time, the first during COVID, and any husband is going to feel awful about themselves when their wife is working and can't help provide like before. 
The same pattern continued until I got a new job in April of this year; it was me working second shift at a pharmacy. She would go to work in the morning, and I wouldn't get home till past midnight, so I would sleep in the second bedroom, but on the weekends, I would sleep in the same bed. But the distancing continued. I was letting her have independence with her going to concerts around the country by herself. The only time we went to a concert together is when I paid for us to see Weezer, a band we both like. She went to New York City in August to watch Harry Styles by herself; she had been going to a lot of concerts by herself the last three years. After her father died, she started getting tattoos, which was a new thing since, "Dad would have never let me get one." In September she weirdly started staying out past midnight, saying she was hanging out with friends. One Friday night she was out till 3:30am and had to go into work early in the morning the next day. When we would go out, she would say she is tired at like 9 or rarely 10pm. The next day she said she didn't love me anymore and would not tell me the reason she wanted to get a divorce. The following Tuesday my grandmother passed away. I left a note on her pillow. I wish you would be honest about this with me. She said we can talk Sunday night; by the time I got home at 8:30, she was already asleep, probably doing whatever until the late night. I couldn't sleep at all that week as I made a time to meet with her the next Sunday. Then we had the second meeting. I asked her when she stopped loving me, and she said, "April." I said, "We have been in a loveless marriage for 3 years." I had noticed on our Amazon account suggestions for lesbian romance novels earlier that week. I said, "Do you like women?" and she said, "Yes." She was not very open about all of it and still isn't. I asked her if it was the Brandi Carlile concert, and she quickly said yes. I finally, after telling her, gave her my mind, heart, and soul, especially when she was distant and probably depressed and all through her father's illness and death. Again, I had been questioning my masculinity the whole 3 years; I finally got some dignity back when she said, "You don't deserve this." And also I know you don't believe me when I say I am sorry. 
I am crushed by the women who pursued me and were with me for 14 years and 11 married and were a lesbian all along. Everyone has told me you don't deserve this or it wasn't your fault, but it leaves me with questions: Will I now be alone without a woman? When will I get what I deserve? The other part is I am 45 years old now; I am not in my early 30s like when we met. It's been very hard, as I put all my energy into the last 3 years to support her, and it seems like she had a whole other life away from me. We are stuck in a lease until March of next year. The weird thing is she started cleaning and organizing and even bought new bed clothes for the bed. I am stuck in the other room, still coming home after midnight. This is her liberation and my devastation. It just angers me that if she was a lesbian this whole time, if she would have gone to therapy and sorted it out, I would already be gone, starting a different life, especially when I was unemployed and would have moved to my parents and tried to find a job in my hometown. It truly makes it feel like all those years are wasted, and if she really loved me or was I, I was just a stopgap until she came out. And quite frankly, I don't think she has fully come out of the closet, as she never told me she is a lesbian but has been reading lesbian romance novels quite possibly over the last year. 
I am looking for support to understand it all. 

Last edited by Deedok (Yesterday 1:46 pm)