Shelby, you are so absolutely not alone.  Lots of company here. 

You might think your story is unique, and it is in a way because it's yours.  However, I know from my own experience and time on this forum that someone here could reply "me too" to just about every element of your story. 

Please be compassionate with yourself.  None of this is your fault.  After my GXH came out (we'd also been married 20 years) I could look back and remember things that could have been warning signs but were only visible after I already knew he was gay.  I think we interpret from the perspective of what we think is true, so if you think you're married to a straight guy, the stuff your see gets interpreted differently. 

It was/is his responsibility to be honest about his sexuality, and as his intimate partner, you have the right to know.  It is not your job to be a detective and figure out what's going on, even though that's a natural instinct and a lot of us do it. 

This beginning stage, where you are now, is especially hard.  Sounds like he's working up the nerve to admit that he's gay.  Seems pretty common that when the barrier comes down, the gay spouse seems more emotionally available, at least for a while.  It's an odd dynamic, because they are relieved, and we are thrown into turmoil. 

My marriage was also hard, and I too sacrificed to stay married to a guy with a lot of emotional and physical health issues.  When he came out, I had a lot of different feelings, but among them was relief.  I no longer had to twist myself into knots to accommodate him.   It was a total rollercoaster of emotions for me. 

You're wise for already seeing that he may want to have his cake and eat it too - also pretty common in stories here.  You're his beard, so if he can figure out a way to keep you, he has all the benefits of a straight marriage and doesn't have to deal with his true sexuality bubbling up.  

While he's sorting out his feelings, it's easy to fall into the trap of focusing on him and what he wants, since it seems like that's where the change is happening.  There's a change happening for you, though, too - you have new, better information that he isn't who you thought he was, and that the marriage you signed up for is not the marriage you now have.  Focus on you, and what you want. 

Glad to hear you're in therapy - it was and is a huge help for me.  Also if you have someone close to you to confide in, that helps a ton, too.   This is a very painful experience, and yet you can get through it.  I'm so much better now than I was before he came out - I'm no longer subjected to his lying and cheating and gaslighting, and I no longer walk on eggshells.  Healing is real work, and we're worth it.  

Rooting for you over here! 

Hi Shelby - you arent alone. I too, gave 19 years of marriage (23 years total) to a fraud. freedmyself mentions many of things I normally would. This one line stuck out in your story "' but I have sacrificed a lot for our marriage and our life and now this" I did too as did many of us. Youre right to feel angry, sad, lied to, all of it. That said, the sunk cost fallacy can keep you stuck. I often thought when my ex first told me about her double life, that I didnt want it to end because I had given her everything and then some I did not have to give, which is why my health was failing. As Feed said, at some point that turns to relief. Don't rush that, but I ant to encourage you not to carry how much you did, because you have so much to process now. I am over 4 years out, never been happier or healthier. You will be too, but for now, take it a day at a time. 

Hi, I just wanted to hash out some additional things that have come up in the last couple of days and I would love to have others reply to with 'yes exactly what I was told by my spouse too' at the beginning or types of things similar that I can look forward to through this beginning after disclosure.  Husband went to therapy and then decided to write a long explanation for me to understand where he is coming from.  The issue is, and someone else already said this, the only consistency is inconsistency.  From his words, to behaviour, to words he said before, etc.  I know he is in the beginning jumping back into denial type stages but it is already making me crazy and feeling like I am so unbelievably stupid. I am embarrassed to even say some of this stuff because it is embarrassing even for me who didn't say it but also I already know what my gut is telling me and I think I know what replies will be.  I don't know.  I just can't talk to anyone else about this type of detail and anonymously here it feels safe.  

Here is what he tells me:
- Q I had asked was has he always known, before we got married, etc.  He says 'it's complicated' but lets start with what he knows he wants, a woman, me.  Never been attracted to a guy physically or emotionally ever and never wanted a relationship with a man.
- But attracted to the act of gay sex but straight sex he is also attracted to, with me of course..
- He then talked about things he liked with our sex life
- Then proceeded to talk about fantasies (which all included me and straight sex type stuff we have done) - - But then said 'actual fantasies' and with out going into too much detail the part that just floored me was he actually said the act of gay sex is a turn on for him but not with another man with me....ummmmm so that's not what that is, the definition is with a man I believe so not possible and is this his way of just getting me to agree to things to get him by...
- Went on to say how much he loves me and loves us and our sex life but also has lots to work on outside of the bedroom. 

Then we talked.  I called out all of the inconsistencies and things that didn't make sense.  He also said his therapist told him I was looking for a guarantee of some kind that he was not gay or that he wouldn't leave me.  I didn't know what to say about that.  Um ya maybe but also why you would leave is the issue and I think you don't know what you are right now.  I said you want something that isn't what I can provide, that's the issue, also more important lying to me about all of this and having me a placeholder or substitute for now is not okay. He said I can't guarantee I wouldn't ever leave him there is no guarantees.  I said the reasons are different and you can't compare the two. 

So for now, he doesn't label anything he is and he probably doesn't know or doesn't want to admit and is holding on however he can to the marriage and life he 'wants' but his words are not consistent with his behaviour.  He also didn't completely say no he would never sleep with a man if he had an opportunity, so ya. This is horrible and I hate all of this. How do you move on and what's next from here while he rides out figuring himself out.  

Any tips on questions I should be asking him and conversations we should have right now that would be a benefit to me because he seems to be able to talk more about this than anytime in our marriage?  I know our conversation isn't over so any tips would be helpful.



 

After my GXH told me he wanted to have sex with men, we both knew we were done as a couple.  

We proceeded to have more open conversations in the following month or two than we'd had literally for years.  This is a guy who had been emotionally unreachable for years, and now he's telling me all about himself, and I was very supportive.  As he went through his second adolescence, we were still in touch, and he told me about some of his various, ahem, adventures.  It helped me confirm that not only was he not who I thought he was, but that I actually had no idea who this guy really is.  I still don't.  

It took many, many months of distance from him and therapy for me to realize that what he'd fed me were half-truths.  I'd gotten a sanitized version of what he'd been doing before coming out to me.  Since then, in learning more about The Gay Thing and participating in this forum, I've learned that often what a closeted spouse tells us is the tip of the iceberg, a carefully curated narrative with key elements omitted or diminished. 

It sounds like the bedroom issues you have with him plus his independent sexual activity speaks for itself, and he sounds like he's been suppressing his gay identity for a long time. 

My GXH initially told me he was bisexual, and that he was sexually attracted to me and also to men.  I believed that at first.  Again, with distance and time and the wonderful open people who post here, I came to understand this:  the bisexual label is very commonly used by closeted gay men to make sense of their long-term relationship with a woman.  And my GXH, in spite of the words that came out of his mouth, had shown me time and again, for years, that he wasn't sexually interested in me at all.  I didn't see it for what it was while it was happening - I could only see it looking back. 

Hurts to type it out, but it's true, and I bet you can relate. 

This is just my opinion, but I feel like what you're hearing from your husband is the confused rambling of a man who has successfully suppressed his sexuality for years, and now that it's bubbling up, he's having a hard time putting words on his experience and justifying the deceit to you. 

Here's my advice for this stage, based on my own experience.  I apologize if it comes off as blunt. 

This is a window of openness for him, and if you can stand to hear it and are a patient listener, he might tell you everything you need to hear to understand that he's gay.  

It's not uncommon for a closeted gay husband to ask his wife for sex acts that resemble gay male sex.  The gay husband tries to get from his wife what he really wants from a man.  No judgement here - what consenting adults do is up to them.  At the same time, there's no reason for you to push yourself past your comfort zone as he's figuring himself out. 

I'm struck by this part of your initial quote:  "I am scared after he goes to therapy things will start rolling and he will be this person who he figures out and I have to accept it and be okay with it, change our marriage for him when I don't think I can or get out now so I can start healing and being happy." 

The "get out now" option is the only place to which you attach healing and being happy. 

Please do not be embarrassed by any element of what you're going through.  We don't live in a culture where we usually speak so frankly about sex, yet it is so relevant and necessary in this experience. 


 

Last edited by freedmyself (September 29, 2026 1:06 pm)