This is me. But in reverse. However, We are seeking the counsel of a Gottman therapist which we have had our first session and the Gottman questionaire and this coming thursday we have our individual one on one sessions with the therapist and then after that is the reveal of our sessions and questionaire and then we begin the real hard work.

"gracefulwife" wrote:

This is me. But in reverse. However, We are seeking the counsel of a Gottman therapist which we have had our first session and the Gottman questionaire and this coming thursday we have our individual one on one sessions with the therapist and then after that is the reveal of our sessions and questionaire and then we begin the real hard work.

I hope your initial session went well! It absolutely is very, very difficult work. This whole 21+ months has been the most revelatory in my life, and there's been some really tough things to work through in that time, and after learning that a coming out in marriage is something that happens, I've had to do a lot more re-evaluation and deconstruction of previous beliefs. I felt pretty isolated this past weekend in particular, but it did help to talk with my therapist and practitioner about some of this stuff.

If you have any trusted friends or relations to share with, that might be something to help ease some of the pain and grief.

"freedmyself wrote:

Hi SSP, 

I read your story on the Our Stories thread.  It's a lot for you to each have your own individual trauma to be working through in addition to her emerging sexual identity. 

It seems like it would be enormously stressful to be wondering every day whether your wife's interest in straight sex is going to return, and whether or not you're going to stay together.   It also seems like the trauma wounds are so deep that it's going to take a while for each of you to feel like you're on your way toward healing.

Your post here says that neither of you want to separate.  What if you & your wife decided that, at least for the six months or year (or some other time period), you were going to stay together and then re-evaluate on X date? It might take the pressure off of the day to day evolution, and allow you to each focus on your own healing.

Thankfully we're both continuing on our paths of healing from childhood wounds, and I likely wouldn't end that if we do separate; I've come too far in healing to just throw it away.

As for decisioning, it's funny you mentioned that, since my therapist suggested something similar yesterday. It did help to say to a professional that my wanting a fulfilling sexual relationship with someone isn't selfish, and it's been affirming to hear that of women on this board, from what Kristin Kalbli shared on a different podcast about her experience, and elsewhere online. I realize now that, in my compulsive behavior, I held great shame around, both because I thought it was a byproduct of by behavior and because of the messages I received around men and sexuality. I didn't exactly seek out the messages of Purity Culture, but I know that it was definitely internalized, and that there was a huge disconnect in myself.

Jay Stringer, author of Unwanted (a fantastic book, by the way), shared at a conference that there's two extremes: repression (stepping on the breaks too hard), and letting passions run wild (stepping on the gas too hard). For me, I was in both extremes throughout my youth and in my adult life up until last year, and not having anyone to talk about any of this with was really tough.

I bring this up because I've done quite a lot of work on myself and on what healthy sexuality means to me and learning that it is a value of mine. My wife says she does have feelings for me and that I mean a lot to her, being such a close confidant in her uncovering and sharing her childhood trauma, so I know that the emotional connection between us is there, and just when we were starting to nurture our sexual relationship, that gets ripped away, which adds another layer of pain. With her not knowing her sexuality yet, or even if she's interested at all, it's been very difficult to get any semblance of an idea of what the future could be.

I suppose I could add wrestling with and breaking out of isolation to my list, which might explain why I decided to register here in the first place. 

gracefulwife wrote:

I waited for my husbands hour to be done as he went first, and I heard a lot of laughing from him (But couldnt make out what was being said) He came out and then it was my turn.... I had no laughter at all. I cried and felt like putting holes into the walls again. (I punched a wall infront of my boss and he told me to take the day after our first initial therapy off and I'm going to do it again for the feedback session. Yesterdays session didnt require a day away from work as it didn't involve either of us to share hot destablisng topics. But I did alot of crying with my one on one. And even then I needed more time to get everything out in the open to her. I used the questionair to offload alot of myself there knowing that my hour wasn't going to be enough time but she said she read it and I scored high on Anxiety and Depression.... as he did also. I had to unpack alot of stuff. Stuff I had processed a fair while back and it was bought back up before the counsellor and I found myself getting more emotional and angry with stuff. I asked her about him laughing and she said it was nervous laughing. I get that.... but I am not entirely sure what he is nervous about unless he intends on going back on his word about wanting a homosexual experience and an open marriage... but it would only be open on his side if he ever did do anything like that behind my back. I will remain the innocent party here. I will not go down that pathway and put my faith in jeopardy. He has deconstructed, and when the counsellor asked me why I wouldnt marry if he cheated and we divorced.... to which I said... cause if I were to remarry;... I would be commiting adultary. Even if he departs from the faith (Which I don't think he has departed fully. Deconstructed yes, but still retains some form of Godlyness about himself.) I must remain single and celebrate for the reasons being that if there was to be a reconcilliation Then I have not sinned and I retain my Salvation.  

I'm sorry it was a difficult session for you. I can only speak for myself, but the emotions can be pretty strong, and after many years of suppressing my emotions and finally working on listening to them, there's been days where it's particularly painful to feel. Sometimes it's good to remind ourselves these feelings are normal and they're really important for us to feel, even if they aren't pleasant. Expressing them in a healthy way can be a challenge, but at least we can decide what we do for ourselves, even though we might be in situations we didn't ask or expect to be in.

gracefulwife wrote:

Honestly, While I feel he values me.... I don't feel loved. I don't know if I will ever feel love again. I am broken. Possibly beyond repair. I had to bring up about me sexual abuse I suffered before I knew him. I had to talk about the hardest stuff I have ever had to deal with and stuff I have never told anyone ever due to the shame and inability to use my voice. Especially when one time I was touched by a transgendered co worker inappropriately (they were under intense transitioning medication and therapy at the time Female to Male) And the groped me.... I didn't know what to do at all. I was scared... too scared. too scared to speak up and the time has past so long for anything to be done about it now... but I have had to reprocess all that and my sexual abuse by another BF (who also trans- M2F..... Infact.... before my husband... I had 3 BFs... ALL of them trans'd M2F all at the same time and all known to each other.... and that makes me sick to my core... That I was used by each of them as their little sexual experiment......Only for my husband to do the exact same thing to me to figure out about his bisexuality)....... 

So this whole lived experience, before knowing my husband and up till the last 10 months has ripped me apart. 

And yet... I felt/fee powerless

EDIT: In before anyone mentions the trans folk..... untill you have experinced people you trust use you because they are going through this transition thing and they abuse you over it... You have no idea the damaged it caused me. I do not hate these people. As a christian I am with Godly unconditional love and I will respect ever human being regardless... BUT it does NOT excuse these people doing what they did to me.... I'm just shareing it because it IS relevant to my trauma issues and triggers right now.

I'm sorry that all happened to you and being used in such a way. I know it's very hard to sit in the emotions and feel like you're all alone, and that can make the pain feel even worse. I also know that none of us are ever broken beyond repair. I hope you're able to find the will to keep going and find your own source of hope.

~~~~~

As for my own update, it sounds like my wife is settling on being biromantic with sexual preference for women, so she's seeing if that has staying power for her, but it sounds like the sexual attraction for me is simply not there. I had a feeling an outcome like this was what was coming, but it still hurts, and there's a lot of logistics to work out if we do work towards separation (which likely is going to happen).