things will get better.  

you've come a long way and it seems to me found solid ground - very impressed with the 'being friendly not friends' approach.

loneliness grief and anger - yes, that was my experience too.  I liked walking in the rain.  My feelings have eased with time.

wishing you all the best.

It's really hard to start seeing in retrospect how much of your own needs you suppressed to accommodate hers.  I did the same for my GXH - and a lot of it I wasn't able to see at all until he moved out and I had some time/distance away from him.   The newly-out spouse often gets all the attention because they're Being So Brave.  The straight spouse, who has twisted themselves into a pretzel to try to preserve a relationship that's impossible to preserve (in my case, in the face of my GXH's deception and gaslighting) somehow gets ignored.  

In a way, it's a continuation of the pattern of our marriage. Since we bent to accommodate them while we were married, we continue doing it after they come out.  It's a well-worn path.

 Please be kind to yourself - you aren't an idiot, you're a human being who was doing his best to be a good husband. 

After my GXH came out, we knew we would divorce but he didn't move out right away.  I had many times in those days when I sought him out for comfort, even though he was the source of my pain!  It's really hard - we're wired to want connection with our (ex) partner even when it's not good for us.  Part of me wanted to be around him, and another part of me recognized it wasn't healthy in the long run. 

I remember grief and loneliness and anger, too, along with a bazillion other emotions, which shifted frequently throughout the day and showed up in wild combinations.   

Whether or not it's your ex's fault per se, this situation is because of her, and you have the right to feel all of the negative emotions. 

Do you have a trusted friend or family member you could meet for a walk or a coffee? Even just one or two people can help.  I also benefitted tremendously from therapy - talking through my emotions with a professional helped me process this very weird straight spouse experience.  If therapy is an option for you, I highly recommend it.  

Keep posting, too - you're in good company here.  

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate the ideas that she has forfeited her right to my time, and that I have a right to feel all of my negative emotions... And I am in therapy and reaching out to friends to talk about all of this... But some of these pieces just don't seem to be clicking. When I feel angry with her I simultaneously feel very, very confused, because logically I don't blame her at all. We both did our best, we both did what we knew how to do. So yes, of course it's painful that I spent so much effort trying to make something work that was never going to work, and of course it's painful that I wasted 20 years, my youth, my choices, on something that was never going to work... But it's not her fault. And it's not mine, either. There is no way I could have known. We were both wired by trauma to act in accordance with our attachment styles, understand things in a certain way. For her, to avoid exposure. For me, to fawn and please and put my own needs to the side. So logically nobody is at fault and it's not fair for me to be so angry with her. But practically... I feel a surge of anger and sadness every time I think about her. And I don't want to jeopardize a potentially long-term kind and supportive relationship with her, especially when there are kids involved. Just not sure how to move past it.