I think my spouse of 21 years might be gay. We met when we were 20. He told me at the time that he was bi and he seemed quite comfortable with this fact. At the time I was bi-curious, and so we bonded over this and I was very supportive. We had an open relationship for a while, during which time I had some experiences with women and a few other men while I was living and working in another city (this was agreed upon). During this time, he did not take advantage of our open relationship agreement. He told me he had only been with two other people--one guy and one girl in his teen years. He told me at the time he liked guys but "didn't like the gay lifestyle." Fast forward a few years and he proposed. At the time we had a great relationship and it felt like we had so much in common. We got married, and then later had two children. After the kids he became increasingly unhappy. We had some unhealthy communication patterns that got worse over time. He told me he was unhappy that we started having less sex after kids (he seemed somehow personally hurt by this), even though I told him that the hormones from childbirth and breastfeeding killed my libido for a while. Plus, I was frequently exhausted (duh). There were a few other unhealthy dynamics developing, including him having a short fuse with the kids and acting out in anger, speaking contemptuously to me sometimes for seemingly no reason, showing disregard or contempt for my interests and hobbies, but also making me feel shitty when I didn't equally love HIS hobbies. I began to feel quite unloved and at some point we stopped having sex. Fast forward to a few weeks ago and I found out he's been funding a secret bank account without my knowledge and has spent thousands on hardcore gay porn over at least the last six years. We had some incredibly painful conversations where I asked for transparency, trying to get him to talk about his sexuality, but he was barely able to get words out of his mouth. I was reeling but told him "I wouldn't want you to live a life you feel you shouldn't be living." Notably he did NOT respond to this by swearing that that wasn't the issue... he was quiet, which seemed its own admission. The secrecy has shocked me as has his almost complete inability to talk about his sexuality with his partner of 21 years who actually understands bisexuality and married him with this understanding. He seemed to be trying to tell me “I’m actually gay, not bi,” but he never said these words, he could barely speak, which tells me that whatever the truth is, he’s not even able to fully admit it to himself. I pushed for therapy nine months ago and he outright refused. I’ve made another push for it, and he seems to have agreed now, but no appointment has yet been made and once again last night he was awake until 2:30 in the morning in his office with the door closed. I think he needs his own therapy in addition to couples therapy, but this is going to be tough. I have been so disoriented over the idea that perhaps this person I thought I knew so well may have been so fully repressing this part of himself that even he was not fully aware of it… at least until he started spending hundreds and thousands on custom gay videos and shows?? I'm not in theory totally opposed to porn, but I have an issue with the direct interaction with creators. And now that the trust has been broken, I find myself worrying that there’s more to the story he hasn’t fessed up to. I was already considering divorce before the secret spending was revealed. Maybe there’s a path back if we can fix our communication, regain trust, overcome porn addiction… but if he’s actually gay, or nearly there, then that changes things. He seems terrified I"m going to leave him, but I don’t see how staying is fair to me, at all. So you like the straight "lifestyle", sort of?? You're gay but you don't want the "gay lifestyle?" It boggles my mind he hasn't figured this out in all these years--he has a gay brother, he has a bi wife, he has lots of gay and bi friends, he has support available. It breaks my heart thinking of our kids. I have my own therapist, but still feel really stuck and disoriented. I don’t know what advice I’m looking for exactly, but just needed to put this all somewhere.