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1 of 1- Monarch
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How / When Tell Teen Daughter
Hello. My STBX cheated on me with hundreds of one night hookups via Grinder. I had no idea that he wasn't straight, but it all makes sense now. He comes from a very conservative family, he has a lesbian sister who was ostracized when she came out, and his parents check numerous boxes re: narcissistic personality disorder (mom is more covert, dad is overt) and appearances matter big time to this family. So once his family finds out they have TWO gay children--OMG, heads will absolutely explode!
We were married 20 years, After 4.5 years in this process, I hope the divorce will be final on August 5.
I'm tired of hiding the story of what happened. I haven't told my story, what I endured to anyone except my parents and my therapist. Our 15 year old daughter keeps blaming ME for the separation / divorce because of the lies he tells her. She often takes her anger and aggression out on me, even though her own therapist is working with her on this.
How and when have others shared the truth with their teen children? My daughter wants to know what happened, she keeps asking when I will tell her the truth (because I keep telling her that her father is not telling her the truth), and she's actively hunting for clues.
Are there best practices re: telling my 15 year old daughter about my gay ex? I won't say anything until this divorce is signed as my ex will 100% retaliate against me when he finds out I've told our daughter. But once that's done in a few weeks, I need to free myself, be able to speak with friends about why I have been diagnosed with PTSD and depression, have withdrawn myself, and I would like my daughter to know the truth as she's currently blaming me for the divorce. Please help so I don't do this wrong.
- freedmyself
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Re: How / When Tell Teen Daughter
Hi Monarch,
My kids were young adults when my GXH came out, and not much time elapsed between him telling me, and us telling our kids. Four and a half years seems like a veritable eternity to keep a secret like the one you've been holding, and my heart goes out to you for how painful this experience is. Welcome to the club, and I'm sorry you need to be here.
The basic premise of my advice is that your story is YOUR story, and you have a right to tell it. Here's my advice, based on my own experience.
First, I think you should tell your daughter before you tell anyone else. Obviously your therapist keeps your information confidential, and I'm assuming your parents do as well. You daughter needs to be next, before you share with friends or other family members, so she doesn't hear it from someone besides you.
When I told my kids, I let them know that their dad being gay was their story, too, and they were welcome to share it with anyone they wanted. After their dad keeping a secret from all of us, I felt strongly about not trying to tell them what to say or to whom. If you're freeing yourself and telling your friends, your daughter should have the same rights.
There's a good chance that she already has some ideas about what's going on, and that what you tell her will help her make sense of her inner knowing. Since she's 15, I think it's enough for you to tell her that he's gay, that you didn't know it when you got married because he hid it from you, and that the divorce is healthier for all three of you. I don't think it's necessary to list out all his negative qualities or try to malign his character; hiding his sexual orientation from the person (you) who had the right to know is a big enough character flaw.
At her age, I don't think you should tell her about his Grindr activity. I do think it's ok to tell her that he cheated on you. No cheating details necessary. When she's older, I think it's appropriate to share a more complete picture if she can hear it and if you can share it without turning her into your therapist.
I tried to anticipate the questions my kids would ask, and address those up front so they wouldn't have pent-up curiosities that felt too awkward to ask. Since your daughter is 15, it's just a question of what is age appropriate. If she asks you a question and you're not sure how to answer it, it's ok to say, "I need to get back to you on that one", and then make sure you circle back.
I told my kids they could ask me anything and I'd answer as much as I possibly could. I also told them that their feelings about our situation would likely shift and change as time went on (mine certainly did!), and that all of their feelings were valid. I also told them that their feelings might be really different from mine, and that it's totally ok. I didn't expect them to feel the same way I felt (I still don't, years later).
I also told my kids that I'm sorry this happened to our family; even though it's not my fault in any way, I wish it were different for them.
If I were in your shoes, I'd apologize for not being able to tell your daughter sooner, and that she has a right to be mad that it's taken so long. I wouldn't offer up reasons for keeping it to yourself in the first few conversations (unless she asks you why you did ti). I'd let the conversation be about her and her feelings. It's natural to want to defend yourself, but I think it helps in the long run if you can sit with her in whatever emotions come up for her when you break the news. If she gets mad at you for telling her, it might be because mad is an easier feeling that whatever emotion rushes up around her dad being secretly gay.
Undoubtedly you've discussed this with your therapist, and hopefully hers as well. If you'd like to talk to a professional who specializes in straight spouses, I highly recommend Karen Bieman, notmycloset.com, an Australian therapist (and herself a straight spouse) whose practice is entirely people like us. She offers coaching over Zoom for people outside Australia, and a session or two with her might really help boost your confidence in having this conversation with your daughter.
Hope that helps at least a little! This is a tough journey, and I hope the conversation goes well.
Last edited by freedmyself (August 1, 2026 12:58 am)
- walkbymyself
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Re: How / When Tell Teen Daughter
My daughter was a little older. But here's what I did: I told my then-husband that she needed to know, that keeping secrets within a family is unhealthy, and that it would be best if she heard it from him directly, but I gave him a hard deadline and told him if he didn't tell her by then, I'd do it. So when the time came, I told her myself.
Here's an issue with teenagers: they snoop on their parents. My daughter had seen things on her father's phone that she didn't understand, but didn't think she could confide in me. So once this conversation started, she started telling me about things she couldn't understand that now started to make sense.
Also, as far as "how much" to tell -- I tried to follow her lead. If she asked questions, I answered. There were one or two things I told her "honestly this part is a little gross so you might not really want to get into it. " (in reference to some creepy sex equipment I found in the trunk of his car).
Last edited by walkbymyself (August 17, 2026 3:13 pm)
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- Monarch
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Re: How / When Tell Teen Daughter
Thank you both for sharing. I appreciate this so much and will lean heavily into your comments as I proceed.
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Thread Starter- Blackie563
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Re: How / When Tell Teen Daughter
Monarch - not sure there is a "right" answer. Mine is complicated (arent we all, lol). My ex had an affair, most likely multiple. I only found out about the one that ultimately ended the relationship. I said nothing for 1.5 years and similar to your story, my ex wife did not want any blame/accountability, so she kept lying about everything, including "she never had an affair". After her lies began to fall apart, my daughter (1 of 3) started asking questions to verify all she heard from her mom...I never said she lied, I simply showed her proof. "Mom said she didnt have an affair, is that true". My response: No, here is the text that proves it, your mom admitting to being in love with another woman, you decide whats true. "dad, mom says she has no money for anything, tha true?" My response: well, your mom has a highly specialized job and the courts in ohio ensure both households are equitable. I pay 40% of my earnings to her to ensure everything you need is provided for, depsite 50/50 custody, here is the court document that shows the amount paid. You tell me, do you think your mom has no money?
I never told them everything of course, only what was asked. She was 15 almost 16, so age appropriate. I kept back that condoms I found while we still lived together (odd because lebians dont need condoms), the only dating profiles from when we were still married, and the numerous other contradictions and affairs she has had that I found out about. My kids will figure that out later.
My point? Answer honestly when asked. I will tell you, the Guardian assigned to my case said I was "wrong for sharing" despite being asked and when I asked the GAL how I should answer a direct question and if she expected me to lie, she had no response. I share that only because there may be ramifications but for me, I will never lie to my kids. They dont need to be betrayed by both parents and eventually, they always find out the truth....