Where to begin... My husband and I have been married for 44 years and are supposed to be settling down to enjoy our golden years, and instead... there's this. 

We met in college - not regular college, but a very religious strict college where moral purity was the standard of godliness.  So, we weren't even allowed to hold hands.  In truth, I was relieved to be in an environment where I didn't feel preyed upon.  I had several unfortunate experiences dating and had been molested by my brothers so I was glad to remain "pure" until marriage. 

The first 10 years or so of our marriage were okay'ish.  There were times where sex was good.  We had four kids in 5 years. We were in the ministry - in another state away from both sides of our families. My husband was an associate pastor. I was unhappy in the ministry - never feeling like I truly believed or bought into the dogma.  I was unhappy in my marriage as I thought that I wasn't "enough" for my husband - I wasn't the godly wife and physical intimacy was largely unfulfilling.  Then the bottom fell out.  At 30, my husband was diagnosed bi-polar and everything in my world shifted to managing the fall out and ramifications that came with it - on very limited financial resources. My husband lost his position at the church as mental illness doesn't happen to Christians (ha!) and I was never so alone and yet strong in my life.  I lost my friends, my community.  I didn't really have the faith. I WAS ALONE.

We made the decision to move to his home town as my family of origin was dispersed.  My father had passed and my mother herself was failing and living with a sister.  I was determined that my kids would have an extended family.  My thought was if my husband didn't get his act together I would be able to leave him in his family's care.  All I knew was that we BOTH needed to get away from the hell hole of where we were living. 

Along came the internet and free and easy access to pornography.  Unbeknownst to me, hiding in plain site, my husband fed his same sex attraction through pornography and masturbation.  He discloses now that his near life long addiction to masturbation began at 6 with his slightly older neighbor.  

After our move to his home town, he ended up becoming the pastor of his small home church part time.  We lived in the parsonage.  I was like WTF is going on?  I was fed up with the ministry and the life but played the part because of the kids and the connection to family, etc.  Our sex life was sporadic and even less satisfying than before.  My husband began to have ED issues and blamed it all on his psychiatric meds, etc.  After six years he said he resigned, I can't really remember the reason he gave as I didn't care, I wanted out too.  We bought a home and threw ourselves into rebuilding our life.  

Then the other shoe dropped.  He as hospitalized - suicidal.  I had to once again be the "rock."  Shortly after he was discharged he disclosed to me that he had been cruising and having homosexual hook ups.  For the life of me I don't know why I didn't leave then - I guess duty and obligation and some genuine concern for him.  By now I weighed over 300 pounds and my self image and esteem was in the gutter.  During this time he blamed his lack of interest in me due to the weight.  Of course that reinforced my already horrid self image.

In the next 20 years we threw ourselves into planning (and paying for) weddings and welcoming grandchildren into the family. I lost 170 pounds and took better care of myself.  I became the matriarch of the family always ensuring everyone had a wonderful birthday and spectacular Christmas. Our sex life was even more sporadic and tortured with his always saying he wanted to love me like I deserved to be loved.  Remorse upon remorse was expressed.... etc... And all the time he was deeper and deeper into his secret pornography and masturbation addiction. On so many levels I knew I wasn't what he wanted, I knew that a physical relationship with him only made me feel worse about my own hangups, etc.  I was ok that it would sometimes be years between "attempts"

In the meanwhile... we did become the best of friends and truly enjoy each other's company.  Where have we heard that before...

About a year ago he came to me and disclosed the pornography addiction and started treatment... Of course I was hurt but not really surprised. I have tremendous empathy for the challenges that an addiction of that long standing is to overcome or even to live with.  I did tell him right out of the gate that I wasn't going to be a part of his plan... that our physical relationship was over and I simply was not going to subject myself to his proving to himself that he could do it. He also disclosed to me that he was groomed and molested by a teacher and the pastor when he was in high school (he went away to boarding school for high school). He also disclosed that he was molested by a camp counselor in junior high school.  He blames himself instead of his perpetrators.

By this time I had been closet drinking and binging for about a year.  In January of this year I quit drinking and began exercising some and in general taking better care of myself emotionally.

Now, a year later... the reality of his sexual orientation is really setting in and I view our entire marriage as a sham. I think he was in such denial, and there was so much repression and social stigma around homosexuality in the 80's that he never acknowledged his true self.  He is coming to terms with his orientation now, albeit he still couches it in terms more palatable to his religious background (unwanted same sex attraction).  He claims he wants to be free from his addiction and be committed to me and have our final years be the best ever.  He wants to be sexually intimate.  After hours and hours of talking, he has acknowledged that he wasn't attracted to girls in HS and College except when he met me.  I question this... I think it is more that he wanted to be married and that is what people were supposed to do. I know that is why I married him. Ha! He also has acknowledged that he thought getting married (we didn't have intercouse until marrige) would take away (cure) his masturbation addiction.  Again, I believe that the real issue is his sexual orientation not the masturbation - I think the masturbation is the manifestation of his denial.

And in truth, I think that is still what is going on now.  I think he believes he wants to love me and be with me, but in truth, the leopard doesn't change his spots.  A leopard is a leopard.  He says things like he isn't attracted to women, but is attracted to a woman.  I don't understand enough about all of this but I do know that I believe sexuality is a spectrum and there's raw sexual attraction and there's love attraction.  I think perhaps he does have love attraction.  I'm not real willing to be his test subject.

In the end... we are in our mid - late 60's and retiring within the year. Our finances are such that divorcing really isn't an option financially.  We do love each other and have a good deal of affection for one another.  I just am realistic enough to know that the struggle with pornography is always going to be present and in truth the real issue is closeted homosexuality.  

I'm desperately trying to figure out the path forward...

Last edited by Moira (August 11, 2026 1:21 pm)