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1 of 1- Princessj1
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Need support
My boyfriend of two years whom I very much do want to stay with has come out as bi. Initially I found about an interaction between him and men which he claimed was purely just that and nothing else. He has had others as well. I have struggled very much over the last year since finding this pits. He claims he only wants a relationship with me , a female. That these interactions mean nothing. This is hard for me to grasp. I am the only person in his life that knows this about him. He has had a troubled life and bad divorce … he feels like this is a part of him that he wishes to at least act on from time to time . The latest is development is that he would like to be able to have occasional )once monthly) interactions with men. That he will notify me when this happens and we have clear boundaries set. I have told him I’m ok with it but I struggle every day because I do not want to lose him.
I am hopeful he will keep his word and be honest and let me know when it happens… so far I do not know of any interaction since we made this agreement. He is on meds and will use protection as well.
Since all this came to light I will say he has come out of his shell.. his walls our down and we are stronger in some ways. He sees us in a long term relationship. We live together… and I have my kids part time as well and they all have a great relationship with him.
I need some help in coping and would like to know if any of you are in a similar situation. Thanks
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Need support
Hi, ... you found out about an "interaction" (way to downplay it..!!) so was your first thought one of confusion? or was it one of excitement at the suggestion of sexual play?
Would you get involved because you think it might enhance your r'ship or because you think if you don't agree you might lose him?
E
KIA KAHA
- Princessj1
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Re: Need support
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Hi, ... you found out about an "interaction" (way to downplay it..!!) so was your first thought one of confusion? or was it one of excitement at the suggestion of sexual play?
Would you get involved because you think it might enhance your r'ship or because you think if you don't agree you might lose him?
E
Yes, it was thoughts of confusion, sadness, anger, all the things. I feel as if I have a come to grips with it, but obviously still have my concerns and hesitation. I am hopeful that this will strengthen our relationship, because he claims that it will. I also do not want to lose him. I am trying my best to trust him 100% but I am a natural Overthinker and always waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak.
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Thread Starter- Rob
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Re: Need support
Princessj1
"..The latest is development is that he would like to be able to have occasional )once monthly) interactions with men. That he will notify me when this happens .."
My opinion is that is a lot of stress and a anxiety to live with.
As if he is a god or supreme being and can dictate at any moment that the relationship and you are not enough. The anxiety can eat you up.
We should be enough..we should more than enough.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- freedmyself
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Re: Need support
Hi Princess,
There are issues not only of sexuality here, but also trust. The way I read your post, it sounds to me like he did not tell you at the beginning of your relationship that he was bi, and that his sexual activity with men was something that you discovered on your own, not something that he openly shared with you. I'm assuming (although I can't tell from your post) that sex with men happened after you began a relationship with him.
You had the right to know up front that he is attracted to men, and if you entered into a monogamous relationship, him having sex with men (or anyone) outside your relationship is cheating. So he's already not been honest or truthful with you, and it seems to me that this is a really important starting point as you evaluate how to manage your relationship. What can you believe from him if he's already been hiding this part of himself?
It's significant that it's been a year since you found out, and you are still struggling with it. Having a partner come out is a huge life disruption, and for many of us is very traumatic. Is the struggle because you aren't comfortable with your arrangement, or is the struggle something that your gut is telling you that's hard to hear?
Last edited by freedmyself (Yesterday 1:13 pm)
- Princessj1
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Re: Need support
There are issues not only of sexuality here, but also trust. The way I read your post, it sounds to me like he did not tell you at the beginning of your relationship that he was bi, and that his sexual activity with men was something that you discovered on your own, not something that he openly shared with you. I'm assuming (although I can't tell from your post) that sex with men happened after you began a relationship with him.
You had the right to know up front that he is attracted to men, and if you entered into a monogamous relationship, him having sex with men (or anyone) outside your relationship is cheating. So he's already not been honest or truthful with you, and it seems to me that this is a really important starting point as you evaluate how to manage your relationship. What can you believe from him if he's already been hiding this part of himself?
It's significant that it's been a year since you found out, and you are still struggling with it. Having a partner come out is a huge life disruption, and for many of us is very traumatic. Is the struggle because you aren't comfortable with your arrangement, or is the struggle something that your gut is telling you that's hard to hear?
He claims he wasn’t sure he was bi. Yes I discovered on my own … he states he was afraid to tell me … he was still dealing with aftermath of his divorce. He had many walls up for the first year or so. Since this has happened he has been way more open and emotional. I am struggling with the arrange ment for sure… although nothing has happened physically yet. Part of the agreement is he is to tell me when an interaction happens. I know all of this sounds crazy. I wouldn’t still be in this if I didn’t want it to work.
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Thread Starter