Hi Geordie,

I'm sorry you need to be here, but welcome.

What your ex has done to you is truly deplorable.  I've seen this sort of thing before (even in straight affairs), and it's like they fall in love (or at least think they do) and some switch gets flipped and suddenly, everyone who's not their new love is to be discarded.  As if anything that stands in the way of that new relationship must be swiftly and forcefully kicked to the curb so they can embrace their new life with open arms.  I've seen straight men do this to their straight wives when they have affairs - to the point where they start cutting off power and heat to a home that has their young children in it - because that's all the "old life" now.  It's truly mind-boggling.

Because I've seen this happen before in both straight and gay relationships, I'm more inclined to think that the sexuality doesn't matter as much as the fact that they are just not good people.  They are not "confused" - they know EXACTLY what they're doing, and they're just selfish jerks.  Warning: she may come back, begging about how she was confused, and you're really the love of her life, etc.  We call this "love bombing", and it's what happens when their new relationship doesn't work out and they want love back from an assured source.  Don't fall for it - the cycle will repeat again until you make it stop, or until they get tired of the game.  At this point, the words coming out of her mouth should all be considered lies.  She's admitted that she's been lying to everyone for 25 years - she openly admits to that (which is, believe it or not, rare), so if she's done it for that long, she'll keep doing it.

Please know that you will never truly, fully understand what happened.  And that's because you cannot relate to taking someone whom you profess love to for granted and using them for your own gain.  Your brain wants to make sense of it all - it's human nature.  But know that you won't ever get there.  All you'll ever get to is a point of acceptance.  Acceptance is NOT the same as embracing it - you don't have to embrace something to accept the reality of it.  This was done to you, it had literally nothing to do with you, and it was all about her using someone else (because trust me when I say she's used others before you).  This is not about you at all - you are simply the innocent victim.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but be glad that you got the truth (that she's gay) and that she's been doing this for a quarter of a century, and that you saw the truth before you got further involved with her.  And by that, I mean that others have had this done to them once they have a family together - kids, joint properties, etc.  Be glad that you didn't have to untangle your lives legally, or didn't have to deal with an STD.  She's acting deplorable, and you have every right to be confused, angry and sad.  But I'd look at this the same way as if I'd found out that I'd been duped for my money - it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them being an intentional user.  They find their "victims" by choosing us for our openness, our generosity, our accepting nature, our tenacity and our dedication.  These are all GOOD things, and they will serve you well when you do eventually find the right person.  Don't go changing.

People can be so cruel (both due to lack of tact or insensitivity) when it comes to the gay thing.  If they say something cruel like, "how couldn't you have known?", I'd have my pat answer ready - "Haven't you ever been hurt by someone without seeing it coming?"  Of course they're gonna say, "Not like THAT, no".  Then you just say, "Then consider yourself fortunate."  If that doesn't shut them up, then outright tell them they're being insensitive and participating in victim blaming.  Then walk away.

Hold no shame - you did absolutely nothing wrong, and you did NOT deserve this!

Kel

Hi Geordie,

I feel your pain.  You got hit with a double whammy - not just the gay thing but someone you thought was your soul mate.  Someone who you really connected with and who "got" you.  The pain of feeling like you lost a soul mate is even worse than the gay crap, in my opinion. 

I divorced my gay in denial ex after 10 years of marriage, 12 years total.  I was super hurt, torn up, cried on the floor, etc., but I never considered him my soul mate.  We had great times, but to me there was always a tiny bit missing although I could never put my finger on it.  Fast forward to a few years ago when I had my heart broken by the love of my life, my soul mate, I finally found, someone who "got" me.  Yep, I was love bombed.  I'm smart, educated, and savvy, but it happened none the less.  That knocked me on my ass more than anything my gay ex did.  I can't imagine the pain of having a gay ex who was also the love of your life. 

HOWEVER....your story is not over.  I'm 44, you're 24.  I know you don't want to hear it right now but you have plenty of time to meet the real love of your life.  Yes, there are some assholes out there.  There are bad people everywhere.  But for every one of those people, I truly believe there are 10 other good people who are looking for you.  This will pass, I promise.  Don't let the fake world of facebook (worst invention ever) get you down.  95% of that shit is fake.  Fake pictures, fake smiles, fake lives built around nothing more than promoting a lie that is their life.  Even good friends of mine do it.  We've all seen it.  I'll give you an example from my own experience: the post about how "blessed" they are with a picture of their family, bragging about how close they are to their step kids when you know good and well she can't stand her stepchildren because she literally told you this not 30 minutes before this post.  Why?  just why?  It makes me ill.  Another example: A friend of mine posting pictures of her and her spouse decorating Christmas cookies yesterday even though they are living in separate rooms, fight constantly, and on the brink of divorce that she's hiding from her family.  So - if someone I know that well is posting stuff that fake then what do you think your ex is doing?  She's simply promoting what she wants people to think.  Don't give it another thought.  My guess is that her profile is public so everyone can see.  As hard as it is, don't look.  But if you must, know that what you're seeing is a perfectly sculpted line of BS told to everyone in pictures and stupid comments. 

The best advice I ever got about getting over the person I thought was my soul mate was to do something a little different every day.  Go on a walk, one day drive home a different way, go to a different store, try a new food.  Do things that never involved them.  Change it up just a little.  Eventually their memory will start to fade and you will start to heal.  You're five months in...you should slowly start feeling better from this point on. 

I know guys don't typically have super close friends like girls do - do you have people you can hang out with and have a beer and bitch about it to?  I found the more you talk about it (both the gay thing and the soul mate thing) the better I felt.  Every time I let it out, I felt better.  Forget about the people who are so proud of her for coming out or asking about the gossip.  Find the friends and family in your life who are more concerned about you than the gossip.  Lean on them for support.  If you can't find people like that then lean on us. 

And last but not least - a warning.  A lot of these gay spouses who come out and throw themselves into a new relationship and burn all their bridges do end up finding out that the new relationship wasn't all they thought it would be and sure enough they end up knocking on your door.  Please don't go back.  You're worth more than this.  You deserve better than this.  Don't let her use you as a cover.  Every minute of yours that she wastes is another minute that could be spent on the real love of your life. 

Geordie - as for going back the moment the opportunity presented itself, you need to get in touch with your outrage and self-respect.  I don't mean that as a put-down.  I mean that if you had a friend who told you that he'd had his gf do this to him, you'd be outraged at how she treated him - no matter how wonderful she may have been prior to that.  And you would want nothing more for your friend than for him to walk away from that situation, so that he cannot be further hurt.  You need to be that friend to yourself.  Be outraged enough at her behavior that it changes the course of your future behavior choices with her.

The other part is self-respect.  A lot of us here have felt like begging for them back - begging them, begging God, begging the forces of the universe.  If only they'd stay!  But when we pick ourselves up, heal, dust ourselves off and head out into the dating world again, we find that we have learned a great, invaluable lesson.  That if someone doesn't want me, then I don't want that relationship.  I personally will never again settle for less than "all in".  I will never settle for someone who feels complacent about me (nor me about them).  I will never settle for passionless sex, or make excuses for their poor behaviors.  I will heed all red flags (it may be too early for you to look back and see any of those yet, but in time, you may).  It would devastate me if my current husband (I exited a gay relationship and found love again) cheated on me or somehow emotionally left me.  But you can bet your bottom dollar that never again would I be the pathetic beggar that I used to be - "Love me!  Need me!"  HELL no.  You want a woman to WANT you, not just give in to your pleas.  And as soon as you go back to a woman who has played you like a fiddle, she knows exactly what she can get away with in the future.  You've taught her that.

Run, don't walk - away.  Fast.  Run like your hair's on fire.  Don't turn back.  Only look forward until you're so far away that looking back would only be for the purpose of self-reflection and learning.  You two have nothing to discuss now - she's been atrocious to you and you won't stand for that.  When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  That kind of love will never be enough, and you would never have the ultimate trust you once had.  It's never going to be good enough again, despite what she may say or promise in the future.  Keep going and thank your lucky stars that you don't have kids to share or property to split up or an estate to divvy.  Thank the good lord above for showing you this all before it was too late to go no contact.  And that's exactly what you should do - go no contact.  STOP looking at things that will cause you harm (like her FB wall).  Unfriend her - do it now.  Then you hopefully won't be able to see.  It matters not if she moves on on FB - she's already moved on from you, and you know who she's done that with.  Whether or not it shows on FB doesn't make it more or less true.

Kel

Geordi,
 
Ditto what the others said...

".. as it just makes me shake with anxiety."

In the beginning I should with trauma at the betrayal.. the shear blatant cheating she was doing.  She was my entire world.   Then when she decided she didnt want to be married she became a raging mean monster.   I would then shake with trauma.     I can shake now if she text me.   
 
Is this  what you want to go back to ?   So if she meets a friend for dinner is it two friends getting together or a date?  What if she stays out late with the friend?     One  cannot live like that.   That is not marriage or a relationship.
You don't want to go back to someone that lied and hurt you so much.. you better hope she doesn't break up with here new girlfriend and want you back...that is just further hurt for you.    I recommend NO CONTACT.

In regards to your other feelings...we will never know how these spouses could lie to us for so long ...  In my ex's case I think its the kind of person she is...I think she would have cheated with a man if she was not
gay..  she's a narcissist with this great sense of entitlement.   When I look back I don't see the gayness but I see lots of narcissism. 

Walk forward and away.