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1 of 1- strongheart
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Gay Wife
Posted this on Reddit recently and was suggested to check this place out, so here I am.My wife asked for a divorce a month and a half ago. She wrote me a long letter saying she doesn’t think I support her enough as a partner and she’s overwhelmed with all she has to do for the kids by herself, that I’m not present enough with the family, etc and she couldn’t deal with it anymore. Hit me pretty hard but I convinced her to at least go to couples therapy with me, and have been seriously working on being a better father and husband since then. She’s even admitted that this is the kind of behavior that she has been wanting from me all along, and I’ve been feeling at least a little hopeful.However I still had zero clue if she actually thought the marriage could work, and I was desperately trying to find out. I ended up going through her phone, which I know I shouldn’t be doing, but I did. I found texts to her best friend and her mother where she comes out as gay (not bi. also these conversations seemed to happen before she brought up divorce). She never mentioned anything like this to me. I thought I was making progress towards fixing the marriage, and now I see that it was just impossible from the start. Not sure what to do from here.
Some of the stuff she's said in the past make more sense to me now. "Even if none of these things were a problem, I'm not sure if there is enough respect or attraction for me to stay in the relationship" - which like, yeah that makes sense since I'm a man. Or in therapy when she brought up how she doesn't know who she is, what her identity is. It didn't even cross my mind that she could have meant sexual identity until I found the texts.
When we started the couples therapy process and I'm telling both her and the therapist that what I want out of therapy is to be a better partner and to save the marriage, and what she wants out of therapy is "I'm not really sure." Part of me thinks she just wanted to nudge me into being more responsible so that she feels more comfortable with me taking care of the kids without her after the inevitable divorce.
I'd never wanted a divorce, I think having a whole family is important. I don't want to spend less time with my kids. I also just don't want to be alone, but the idea of eventually looking for a new relationship just seems exhausting.
Last edited by strongheart (Today 10:19 am)
- freedmyself
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Re: Gay Wife
Strongheart, welcome. And I'm sorry you need to be here.
During the conversation in which my GXH came out, it started with him telling me that he wanted to split up because of all of my faults. It was a very long list. At the end of the list, he added almost as a footnote that he was gay and wanted to date men.
It's easier for the closeted gay spouse to find fault with us than it is for them to take responsibility for hiding their true identity from us. Sounds to me that you inadvertently called her bluff by getting into couples therapy and then cleaning up your side of the street, and now she has nowhere to hide.
The comment, "... I'm not sure if there is enough respect or attraction for me to stay in the relationship" is very telling. Not only the attraction aspect (nothing you can do about that!) but also the respect. Namely her lack of respect for you in not letting you know that she's gay. That is her responsibility to disclose - it's not your job to have to figure that out.
The prospect of divorce and spending less time with the kids is upsetting for sure. Also upsetting is the prospect of continuing to be in a marriage where you aren't respected and she's hiding her real sexuality from you.
Does she know that you know?
- strongheart
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Re: Gay Wife
Hi, appreciate the response. Sounds like we had similar starts here... What is the point of making a long list of the other person's faults when there is that other giant barrier? I feel like that should be the main point of the conversation.
She doesn't know that I know. I don't know if she plans on telling me at all either. She has always been very difficult to communicate with, rarely let me know what she really thinks about things. I had been looking forward to the therapy as a way to improve our communication, but now I'm not even sure how I'm supposed to go back and pretend I'm still trying to work on it.
I don't even know what I hope my best outcome is in this situation.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Gay Wife
Hi strong heart - I like your name and it sounds truly descriptive of how you are approaching this. So you know it is step by step. She is what you know, she is the mother of your children, she is the woman you loved.
Well, maybe not the third bit, as you are discovering now she is very different to how you imagined her to be, she has been misleading all along.
this takes a while to take on board but it is heart recovery and that matters.
So really just wanted to wish you all the best - I hope there is a lovely woman who loves you back in your future, even though there is a lot of tough yards in front of you now, I think that is something you can look forward to with happiness. as well as all the effort you are putting in now only helping your kids in the long run.
- Rob
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Re: Gay Wife
I got this too..she was having a gay affair ..my letter read something like yours. ..basically I didnt take the garbage out etc..all justifies a gay affair.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- strongheart
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Re: Gay Wife
lily wrote:
Well, maybe not the third bit, as you are discovering now she is very different to how you imagined her to be, she has been misleading all along.
Questioning so many things in our past, examining interactions through a new lens, did she ever love me, etc.
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Thread Starter