OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Anette
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He is still questioning after 3 years
Hi everyone,
My husband came out to me as bisexual 3 years ago. I am not an exception in having gone through all the stages of betrayal trauma since. He was never unfaithful sexually, but did watch porn and lied by omission, a lot.
I went through a depression and had a great amount of anxiety because, as he has never consumed his attraction to male partners, I was worried that his orientation would still become gay as he accepted himself more, or that he would be very unhappy if he stayed with me. He basically dealt with all this anxiety by promising me that things were clear and that he also wanted to be monogamous.
This has left me very alone in my fear, causing post traumatic symptoms, trouble at work etc.
I have fought really hard to find myself, become more secure myself. Know who I am, set boundaries. This has disrupted our avoidant/anxious dance. I focus on getting better, not only on working harder on our relationship. We went through a lot.
And now, he is depressed. Not wanting to get treatment, besides talk therapy that is not doing a lot in my opinion. And questioning whether he wants to be with me or not.
Exactly that what caused my worry and anxiety, the stuff he didn't want to deal with because it wasn't the case. That what he promised would never happen, but just like non of this was supposed to happen, it did.
And of course, I don't want to be in the way of his happiness. But all this flip flopping and still not knowing is in the way of mine. I feel completely powerless because grabbing my power and leave will create the opposite of what I want.
I want to help him and not lose him, but sometimes feel I m losing my mind.
What can I do?
- lily
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Re: He is still questioning after 3 years
Hi Anette, what you are describing is very familiar to those of us who have been married to someone who is same sex attracted. It's a thing. The doesn't want you won't let you go dance. The way my mother finally put it is he won't fully accept you but neither will he let you go.
"And now he is depressed.." have to admit that what that makes me think is that it means he's likely to have broken up with his boyfriend - and if he cheers up, they're back on or he has a new boyfriend.
What can you do? talk to family and friends you can confide in. it's good to get the feeling of the ground beneath your feet again.
Take a step back. See if you can just observe him for a moment or two rather than immediately interact. When I did that I suddenly saw how he wasn't really talking with me, he was being manipulative.
That helped a lot. Instead of paying attention to what he was saying to me, I was paying attention to what he wanted from me.
- Dutchman
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Re: He is still questioning after 3 years
The moment you are confronted with the fact that your spouse has a different sexual orientation than what you had always assumed, it invariably causes a great deal of fear and uncertainty about your future together. The solid foundation on which you thought you stood suddenly feels as soft as butter.
The first question that must be asked is whether you are both motivated to continue the relationship. If there was already doubt beforehand about whether you truly want to commit to each other, and things were on the verge of falling apart, then in my opinion, it is hopeless to expect that it can still be saved given these new circumstances.
For it requires a lot of communication and effort to rebuild the relationship. You both (!) must have a driving force to continue this; for example, the realization that you actually truly love each other, for reasons that perhaps only the two of you feel and know. Holding on to objective values that transcend temporary emotions and feelings. Each of you asking the question for yourselves: "Who are you and why?"
Additionally, there is the effect of the culture in which we live: If your sexual preference is such and such... then you must obey it. If you don't do that, you are not authentic, or you are oppressed, or you are doing things completely wrong. People dictate what someone should think and do, and that puts great pressure on the individual's thinking. Especially if you already feel insecure in the whole situation, this is extremely oppressive. It is not what you would actually want, but social pressure makes it so difficult to simply pursue the path you would like to follow. This absolutely applies to both partners in a MOM; both are subject to that cultural pressure!
Talk openly, listen to each other, and do not let yourself be influenced by everything you read or hear. Go your own way together, the path you have chosen for yourselves in life. Of course, not to naively let yourself be deceived by a bad partner who cheats on you. But if he or she is sincere and you are connected in that, then a crisis can be a path to a deeper and better relationship. And not just a better relationship, but also how you approach life yourself.