My ex was not gay/bi but trans-identified, but otherwise there are many similarities in our stories.  My ex wanted me to keep his secret, while also "exploring."  His also relied on my support, while not being able to empathize.  He said that "for now" he was satisfied with the steps he had taken to "explore" who he "really was," but he couldn't promise that things wouldn't change in the future.

I stayed with him three years after disclosure before leaving and divorcing (we'd been married thirty-two years at the time of disclosure). 

Here's my perspective, based on my experience and what I've read here on the site in the ten years I"ve been reading posts.  

I found it, ultimately, impossible to live in a situation in which I was always wondering whether my husband would be satisfied with what he said he would be, especially as he had told me things might change (as your husband has also said).  It is a very de-stabilizing situation, not to know what you can expect--or, expecting that things might or will change, but not knowing how or when.  This is doubly true if your spouse is not forthcoming--and so many of our partners/spouses have years and years of practice keeping secrets, hiding themselves and their true feelings, so honesty and open discussion are not something you can trust will continue.  

Lots of us here have seen that our spouses say they want to stay in the marriage, but this is because it is a safe place for them from which to explore, but as they become more comfortable with themselves, they begin to move away from us.  It is not fair to us, their spouses, to be treated as a kind of safe space, a home base, while they move farther and farther away from us.  It is understandable that they want us to be there for them--what they are embarking on is scary, and will require them to remake themselves and their lives--including their relationship with us.  

Many of us have felt a great deal of sympathy for our spouses, and because we love them and want them to be happy, we want to help them as they explore the self they have suppressed.  Unfortunately, this isn't really possible.  We cannot travel with them on this journey.  This is a road they really have to travel by themselves.  They may tell us they want us to accompany them, but often what this means is that they want a non-judgmental, understanding spouse to love them while they find the courage to become someone who can't be our partner.  We may want to go with them, but this is something they have to do alone--to find out who they are and what they want as a gay/trans person. 

It is not fair to expect us to live in their closet.  We need to have people to speak to about our reactions, especially as if we tell our spouses how we are feeling (betrayed, afraid, angry, sad) they often feel this as an attack.  Remember that your spouse has had years, decades, to understand this basic fact about himself, while you are just now starting to come to terms with what has re-ordered your world and upended your future plans.  It's good to have online support here, but you need people in your life to talk to: a therapist, maybe, a close friend, a family member--someone you can count on to help you sort yourself out and to support you.  I stayed in my ex's closet for eighteen months, and it was crazy-making, having to hide from friends, colleagues, and family what was happening in my life.  It made me feel inauthentic in all my relationships, dishonest in my interactions with them, and distanced from them, too, because I knew I was being dishonest.  This is no way for you to live.  It's cruel, even if inadvertently so, on your husband's part to want to isolate you from help and support in order to protect himself.  At the very least, have a conversation with him to tell him that you need to be able to speak to someone about what you are going through.  Empathy is a two-way street. If you are more comfortable discussing it with a therapist who is bound by patient-client ethics to keep what you say private, you can start there.  But eventually you will want someone in your day-to-day life to be able to speak to.  

Best of luck.  This is a very hard thing to have to confront.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (Yesterday 2:00 pm)

I don't feel brave enough yet to process this emotional trauma at the same time as a divorce. I know the kids will blame me because I have built him up in their eyes and they won't understand what's going on. They are still young and it's going to be so difficult to explain.

We are talking a lot which is good, but also the truth hurts and I need to hear it. There is no confusion about his feelings. He likes men. There is no physical attraction to me left.

I know I might need to make a tough decision soon, but I just can't do it now.

It's so difficult, and I'm so sorry.  So much I feel the need to comment on, so my apologies.

When I discovered that my (now) ex-wife was having a same-sex affair, I thought that there was some hope of saving the situation.  The shock, along with an overwhelming desire to keep my family together, prevented me from thinking clearly for several months.  But eventually, I realized the obvious, which is that there was no way I would have signed up to be married to a same-sex attracted, adulterous, incredibly dishonest, and mentally abusive woman.  And how could I model a healthy marriage for our kids in this situation?  It was far better for the kids to be from a broken home than to remain in one.

I'm not trying to make things worse, but they often come out when they start feeling same-sex attraction toward someone, often in the context of an affair.  For your psychological and physical health, stop being intimate with him if you haven't already.  Assume the worst.

I thought there was no way I could love or be loved again.  But several years later, I'm 4+ years into a new marriage that is lightyears better than being married to a lesbian.  But don't worry about that just yet -- worry about getting out first.  This is a long, but very worthwhile, process.

As for his request to remain in the closet?  Forgetaboutit.  He's asking you to create a safe space for his journey of self discovery at the expense of your mental health.  You didn't sign up for that impossible role when you got married.  You are 100% allowed to reach out to friends, family, therapists, doctors, whomever for support for the situation he has imposed upon you and you never asked for.  His demand of you is consistent with the inherently self-centered, non-empathetic nature of most of these people.

Good advice from Rob above, too.  Good luck.  Keep writing because we are here for you!