OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 of 1- Barbara1416
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Should i stay or should I go
My husband came out as gay after 23 years of marriage. He wants to stay married but open our relationship. I love him and I want to make it work but I am scared. One day I am ok with it next day I am not. How long will it take to make up my mind. This decision is difficult for me because I am still attracted to him and I desire him. I asked him if we can keep any type of intimacy between us. First he said sex once a month was ok , now he told me that it is not ok. We were watching some adult gay movies together which I am ok with but it stopped too. I am scared an confused what will happen next, will he just leave me for a guy? Should I stay in this relationship or just let go and start healing. Anyone out there with similar situation?
- Rob
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Re: Should i stay or should I go
Barbara1416,
Welcome. It is hurting and trauma that you are feeling.
For myself it was like getting hit by a bus. What part of the marriage vows and promises didnt my now gay ex (GX) understand.
In the end you have to realize its an arrogance and malevolent cruelty on you. Who made these spouses gods, demi-gods or supreme beings that they can decide what the marriage is for us. They are not supreme beings. We gave them our hearts but we can just as easily take our hearts away.
There ant many kind moral people out there that would never treat someone they cares about this way.
Build your support system and know that you are woth so much more.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Should i stay or should I go
Barbara1416 wrote:
My husband came out as gay after 23 years of marriage. He wants to stay married but open our relationship. I love him and I want to make it work but I am scared. One day I am ok with it next day I am not. How long will it take to make up my mind. This decision is difficult for me because I am still attracted to him and I desire him. I asked him if we can keep any type of intimacy between us. First he said sex once a month was ok , now he told me that it is not ok. We were watching some adult gay movies together which I am ok with but it stopped too. I am scared an confused what will happen next, will he just leave me for a guy? Should I stay in this relationship or just let go and start healing. Anyone out there with similar situation?
I learned my partner was bi after 20 years. But he presented it as a positive... something for 'us' and it took me another 12 years of figuring out it was really all about him. I loved my partner too so it took another 6 years after that to leave him. But in that time I learned a lot. About myself.
Scary yes. Traumatic often. Sad definitely.
I found that my former partner thought he was entitled to keep that part of himself separate from who we were and that I must be okay with it, because initially I did believe it was "all about us".. and was accepting of an open r'ship. Basically his sexual desire trumped my need for monogamy in the end. But once i agreed to opening up our intimate life I could never get back the trust I'd always had with him.
Barbara...you need to think deeply about what you want your life to be. Today, tomorrow, five years from now. Keep reading, ask questions. This is why the Forum exists.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- freedmyself
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Re: Should i stay or should I go
Hi Barbara,
It makes total sense that you're scared. Ending a marriage after 23 years is a big change. Finding out that your husband is gay is a big change, too. Not what you signed up for.
There are people on this forum who find a way to stay married to their LGBT spouses - they're over on the MOM board. If you are intent on making your marriage work, or if you'd like to see what that kind of relationship looks like, you might want to post over there.
For me, as soon as my GXH came out (after a long marriage) I was done - he wanted to have sex with men, and there's no way I wanted to be married to him while he hooked up with men. Also, by the time he came out, he already had a boyfriend and had spend years lying to me and gaslighting me. Even though I was hurt when he came out, I also was relieved because I now understood why our relationship had felt so bad.
Think about what YOU want in your marriage. He wants an open marriage and he doesn't want to have sex with you. Do you want an open marriage?
- Rob
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Re: Should i stay or should I go
Barbara,
We get it here. I was scared all the time. You need to build a support system..friends, family, therapist, here etc. Because he is not supporting you despite any words.
I think the physical rejection is the worst..as if they are gods and control us and the universe. I feel ounce they reject and hurt us they forfeit all rights and control. They dont determine our lives..God does.
Wishing you and everyone strength and courage.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Blue Bear
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Re: Should i stay or should I go
Sorry you are here. It's terrible to have this dumped on you.
Focusing on the title of your post, whether you should stay or you should go? Ask yourself this: would you have married a gay man who deprives you of intimacy, and would rather watch gay porn and be with men and throw you into an open marriage against your will?
I don't think you would have. I'd start building your support network of family and friends, and visit with a lawyer so you can start plotting your escape. You can't stay in a situation like this and maintain your sanity.
- lonely555
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Re: Should i stay or should I go
Hi Barbara,
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and it is a comfort to me to see that I'm not alone in what I'm going through either. It's not an easy decision to make.
I can't help you make a decision because I can't decide what to do myself. All I am doing now is thinking through what I am giving to the relationship to keep it going and what he is giving. If it's all one sided, then I think you need to talk about it. You need to let him know what you would need to stay and discuss if that is something you could live with. Even then it's difficult because we are the ones still in love. Not everything can be decided by logic.
Not much help because I'm lost myself...but here to talk if you ever need it