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1 of 1- blindsightedwife
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35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
Hi everyone. I am so glad that I found this forum as I feel like I am the only person that has gone through this. I have been married for 35 years and found out yesterday that my husband has been hiding the fact that he is gay. We have 2 grown up sons. He insists that he has not had any sexual hook ups with other men but I found an email from him to another support group outlaying everything that he has been dealing with and in that email he says that he has had three hookups in the past. He is strongly denying that but I do not believe him. Due to finances we cannot just split up but I am so devastated by this. He says that he does love me and wants to continue to be married. I am worried that I am going to turn into this super suspicious untrusting and bitter person. I thought that we had a great marriage and this has thrown me for a loop. I did find some WhatsApp messages from another man about a year ago, but he lied and said they were nothing even though the messages themselves didn't sound right to me. I think I may have had a strong suspicion for a while but now that it is out in the open where do I go from here? I am embarrased about this as everyone thinks we have a great marriage. We have not been intimate for 3 years and in the email he says that he loves me but is not sexually attracted to me. He admitted that he did going Grindr for a while but was worried that he would be caught. He is good at hiding stuff on his phone and I have no access to it due to him locking it. Please help.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
Welcome to our Forum BW.....my comments are in red.
blindsightedwife wrote:
Hi everyone. I am so glad that I found this forum as I feel like I am the only person that has gone through this. Yep.....99.9% of us felt exactly the same way. I have been married for 35 years and found out yesterday that my husband has been hiding the fact that he is gay. We have 2 grown up sons.I didn't find out my partner was bisexual til 20 years into our 38 year time together. He insists that he has not had any sexual hook ups with other men but I found an email from him to another support group outlaying everything that he has been dealing with and in that email he says that he has had three hookups in the past. Well of course he's not going to admit to it right away. He's testing the waters hoping your dedication to the marriage will ignore the concerns you have. He is strongly denying that but I do not believe him. Due to finances we cannot just split up but I am so devastated by this. Yeah a straightspouse is often in the worst place when this Mindfuck gets dropped on them so what you have to do is get over the hurdle of the devastation first, clear your head, get angry (yes yes.....this isn't fair and you actually deserve to feel aggrieved). He says that he does love me and wants to continue to be married. LOL....of course he wants to stay married. You're the heterosexual cover for his homosexuality and the secret he doesn't want known. I am worried that I am going to turn into this super suspicious untrusting and bitter person. Done correctly once again you deserve those feelings. They'll help you to move through the hard times ahead. Add a woman's well-honed intuition and they are tools, not bad traits. I thought that we had a great marriage and this has thrown me for a loop. I did find some WhatsApp messages from another man about a year ago, but he lied and said they were nothing even though the messages themselves didn't sound right to me. I think I may have had a strong suspicion for a while but now that it is out in the open where do I go from here? Talk to somebody you know will keep your confidence. It's important you don't let your selfish husband steer the direction this is going. If you do you will become his doormat. I am embarrased about this as everyone thinks we have a great marriage. We have not been intimate for 3 years and in the email he says that he loves me but is not sexually attracted to me. He admitted that he did going Grindr for a while but was worried that he would be caught. He is good at hiding stuff on his phone and I have no access to it due to him locking it. Please help. BW....this is not your issue, not your fault, the embarrassment is his but he's trying to appeal to you to help him stay in his shitty secret closet. You need to speak to people who know what has blown up in front of you. The Forum is a good start
....
Elle
KIA KAHA
- whatdoidonow
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
I feel the same. I think it has also all been a lie. I've been married since 2009 and I just don't have the heart or strength right now to get into all the details but I found out my husband has been on grindr and squirt and hooking up with many many men for at least 6-10 years maybe longer. he won't really say. I first found out almost 3 years ago just a snap shot that he was talking to men on line. end of feb this year i found out he slept with a guy. march 4th i found out he was on these sites and hooking up often and all the things he is interested in and likes etc etc.... and that his profile said he was bi-sexual....FINALLY he admits it there, still up until that point denied it to me. it is all coming out in pieces and even the pieces aren't all the story. what is true and isn't true in unclear, the numbers he tells me i'm sure on not accurate and at this point does it matter? I got the same story "you are the only one I want to be married too", "you know I like women" "i love you" I don't know why i do these things" "you know that we have never really connected sexually or aren't in sink in that way"... it goes on and on....
now that I know and I saw it for myself (his profile and photos online) all the little things I noticed over the years all make sense, all bring back moment and a light bulb goes off in my head.
I think I must of known all along but just didn't take the time to look deeper because if you look deeper everything changes. well it's changed and I looked and now I can't unsee. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to cope, how to go on. I'm isolated, no friends and I can't tell my family . and every place I could go are shitty options because they are all tainted with what he has done in those places and towns.....I just want to sleep and not get up......
- blindsightedwife
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
Thank you Elle for your reply. There is a part of me that really wants to believe him as it would make things so much for simpler but another part says I would be a fool to believe it. We talked for most of the night last night and I am going to take this day by day. I have spoken to a close friend and she herself is shocked so imagine how I feel. I never thought this could be my life!!! I have not eaten in two days as the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach.
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Thread Starter- blindsightedwife
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
I feel the same. I think it has also all been a lie.(It is such a sickening feeling) I've been married since 2009 and I just don't have the heart or strength right now to get into all the details but I found out my husband has been on grindr and squirt and hooking up with many many men for at least 6-10 years maybe longer. he won't really say. I first found out almost 3 years ago just a snap shot that he was talking to men on line. end of feb this year i found out he slept with a guy. march 4th i found out he was on these sites and hooking up often and all the things he is interested in and likes etc etc.... and that his profile said he was bi-sexual....FINALLY he admits it there, still up until that point denied it to me. it is all coming out in pieces and even the pieces aren't all the story. what is true and isn't true in unclear, the numbers he tells me i'm sure on not accurate and at this point does it matter?(I also feel that I haven't got the whole truth - just bits and pieces that he perhaps thinks I can try and accept and forgive? I got the same story "you are the only one I want to be married too", "you know I like women" "i love you" I don't know why i do these things" "you know that we have never really connected sexually or aren't in sink in that way"... it goes on and on....
now that I know and I saw it for myself (his profile and photos online) all the little things I noticed over the years all make sense, all bring back moment and a light bulb goes off in my head.
I think I must of known all along but just didn't take the time to look deeper because if you look deeper everything changes. well it's changed and I looked and now I can't unsee.(We do know but confirming and facing it is extremely hard to do - the realisation that my relationship with my husband is not what I thought it was I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to cope, how to go on. I'm isolated, no friends and I can't tell my family . and every place I could go are shitty options because they are all tainted with what he has done in those places and towns.....I just want to sleep and not get up......
I truly understand that fully and I was so relieved to find this space, to know that there are others that have gone/going through and reading their stories has been very helpful to me
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
Thank you Elle for your reply. There is a part of me that really wants to believe him as it would make things so much for simpler but another part says I would be a fool to believe it. We talked for most of the night last night and I am going to take this day by day. I have spoken to a close friend and she herself is shocked so imagine how I feel. I never thought this could be my life!!! I have not eaten in two days as the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach.
BW....you can not let yourself be unwell by not looking after yourself! You have to find the strength to understand and get through this....no matter what you finally decide. Are you financially dependent on your gay husband? Because that is what held me back, for years.
E
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- blindsightedwife
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
Thank you Elle for your reply. There is a part of me that really wants to believe him as it would make things so much for simpler but another part says I would be a fool to believe it. We talked for most of the night last night and I am going to take this day by day. I have spoken to a close friend and she herself is shocked so imagine how I feel. I never thought this could be my life!!! I have not eaten in two days as the thought of it makes me feel sick to the stomach.
BW....you can not let yourself be unwell by not looking after yourself! You have to find the strength to understand and get through this....no matter what you finally decide. Are you financially dependent on your gay husband? Because that is what held me back, for years. Yes unfortunately I am financially dependent on him to some degree, I do earn my own money but not nearly enough to leave him and start over. Did you leave your husband or could you find a way to work through it? This is what I am struggling with. I am taking it day by day for now.
E
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
Hi Blindsighted and whatdoidonow, welcome to the forum.
...because if you look deeper everything changes. well it's changed and I looked and now I can't unsee. I don't know what to do, where to turn, how to cope, how to go on. I'm isolated, no friends and I can't tell my family . and every place I could go are shitty options because they are all tainted with what he has done in those places and towns.....I just want to sleep and not get up......
So here's my suggestions based on my own experience -
First thing to do is just keep existing - eat, sleep, breathe. Going for walks is great, any sort of gardening is great.
I liked water - walking in the rain, swimming, I started with extremely long showers until I shifted from feeling like being sick to feeling like crying.
Don't forget to eat. Curl up on your bed every moment you can. Allow your thoughts and feelings to come and go. This is where you take your arm back from your spouse and put it round your own shoulders.
Take your time forming a plan for the future. But separate yourself as far as you can from him as first priority - even if it is just to sleep on the sofa.
Last edited by lily (Today 7:05 pm)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: 35 years of marriage - has it all been a lie?
. Yes unfortunately I am financially dependent on him to some degree, I do earn my own money but not nearly enough to leave him and start over. Did you leave your husband or could you find a way to work through it? This is what I am struggling with. I am taking it day by day for now. ....
It took me 6 years to leave him. Halfway through the 6 years I told him I no longer wanted to be intimate with him. I don't know what reaction I expected from him but he accepted my rejection and the next 3 years I spent thinking and planning. Ours was a traditional r'ship, the only work I did apart from mother was in business we did together. Joint bank accounts. We had a good life. But when my mother died and left me money I put it into a separate account that he had no access to.
I will say he wasn't a miserly man. Generous almost to a fault and obviously expecting Mum's money to be 'joint' which felt like the control of it would be his.
I decided to finally make the move to separate and saw a lawyer. Luckily my youngest son said "come live with me" where I am to this day. It helps that leaving him at 65 meant I have a government superannuation payment to live on, another part of my thinking process.
We're all different. Our situations and responsibilities. And Lily is correct. If you're going to leave (or stay for that matter) you must give yourself the time and space to think.
Keep asking questions and reading the Forum.
We're here for you
Elle
KIA KAHA