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1 of 1- BadWolf
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I Feel a Loss
My husband (33 they/them) and I (32f) have been married 13 years known each other for 16 years. We have an 11 year old boy. My husband use to be military and before their last deployment we were really happy. We were always honest with each other as much as one can be, our sex life was amazing and frequent, and we were both supportive of each other.
When we got separated by their last deployment, before they would permanently get out, I suggested they get therapy. They had some past trauma stuff I wanted them to work through before leaving the military. During these therapy sessions they discovered they are gender fluid and wanted to start transitioning to become a bit more feminine. They said they wouldn't start anything until they came back from deployment and we could discuss things. When they got back then got out we discussed things and we decided that they would wear whatever gender clothes they wanted depending on what they were feeling that day but would not transition.
They started acting completely different from the man that I knew. Communication basically stopped, sex slowed way down (maybe 10x in the past 2 years) and I got no support around the house or with our child. They slept all day when they weren't at work and when they were awake they just played video games. Fast forward 6 months and I found their medication to transition. They were doing it behind my back. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago they quit their job without telling me, losing our benefits for our ADHD child who really needs them, then bought a new car, again with out telling me. I asked for a separation. Yesterday it hit me that the man I knew before the deployment is never coming back he is gone. It feels like I lost someone like my spouse is dead. I'm struggling to cope with what feels like a death. I don't know what to do.
- lily
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Re: I Feel a Loss
Hi, first thing I'd like to say is it's a massive shock to lose the husband you believed in - first it's that primary grief of losing your spouse but on impact it's also a deep shock - what you are learning about your spouse now is changing your past as well as your future - it takes time for your mind to catch up - you really are in shock.
And yet life is afoot - from what you are saying in your post your spouse is demonstrably not being caring towards you or being financially responsible to you and your son.
You are still married. The thing I want to say is that I think you need to protect yourself financially. Do you have family or friends you can talk with?
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I Feel a Loss
BadWolf wrote:
Yesterday it hit me that the man I knew before the deployment is never coming back he is gone. It feels like I lost someone like my spouse is dead. I'm struggling to cope with what feels like a death. I don't know what to do.
Welcome to our Forum BW. How long have you been using the "correct pronouns" for your husband? And is it your husband who has insisted you refer to him as such?
I've found the strongest people in r'ships. of any kind, are those who won't bend to the illusion of trans ideology. Not so to hurt the one they love but to keep a distance between what is fact and what the loved one wants everybody else to believe. This is not easy when it's a child or an adult but at least as an adult you have the benefit of acknowledging to yourself that the man you married is no longer the man you married and cares more about his own journey than you and your son's.
There's no kind way to say this but you have to realise to keep sane you're going to have to take steps to financially protect you and your son. You need to talk to people who understand what a partner/husband's transition does to a family.
My grandson transitioned at 16. I no longer have contact with him or his mother, my daughter,...because I refuse to affirm him as female. That was their choice not mine. It's been tough but I have had to accept this.
'hugs' ....I hope you have caring, helpful family you can turn to. Don't be afraid to stand, in your own small way (I know what that's like...lol) against a fantasy ideology that is harming children and hurting adults all over the world.
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (April 28, 2026 2:38 pm)
KIA KAHA
- freedmyself
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Re: I Feel a Loss
Hi BadWolf,
Welcome, and I'm sorry you have to be here.
It took me a long time to realize how much my GXH was doing behind my back as he planned his coming out and built out his gay future, using our money, which he controlled. At the same time, he treated me horribly - everything became my fault, and why wasn't I working harder even though he was the one spending on new clothes and dinners out with new friends.
I also had the feeling that the man I knew was gone - except I truly believe that the man I knew never existed in the first place. He was a combination of a made up persona and lies. Divorce wipes out your idea of what the future looks like; having your spouse come out wipes out your idea about what your past meant. It is extremely destabilizing.
Elle and Lily are right about your need to protect yourself financially. Even if you think you aren't ready just yet, please please find a divorce attorney for an initial consultation. Hopefully you having someone close to you who can hear what you're going through. If therapy is an option, I highly recommend that as well.
Please do what you can to take care of yourself - try to eat well, rest when you can, take a walk, lean on the people who love you.
This is a very, very difficult experience. You can do it.
- mm3
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Re: I Feel a Loss
I am so sorry you are going through this. I was married to a military man who also came out as trans gender. I stayed for a bit but the emotional and financial abuse became worse and worse. It was hard to leave bc we have 3 kids and where we live, custody is automatically 50/50. I feel like the person I loved is dead even though they are still alive. The term trans widow is controversial in some circles, but it really captures what I am going through. Keep strong, hold your head high, do the best you can for yourself and your son. Your partner will look out for themselves. My therapist warned me and it has held true: people going through gender transition are very self centered and will put all their time, energy, and finances into themselves and their identity. Get a lawyer and protect yourself and your son.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I Feel a Loss
BadWolf,
Yes, the 180 degree turn is disorienting. As is the secretive and self-centered behavior. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to increase and accelerate, so you can't depend on your spouse to be an honest broker. I want to second mm3's comments, especially her suggestion that you seek legal counsel. Find someone with experience with military divorce, if you can, because you may be entitled to some of his military benefits and pension.
I also consider myself a trans widow. I think it's an appropriate term, because the man I knew and was married to died, not only to me, but to himself. He claimed not only that he now was a woman, but that he'd always been a girl/woman inside, and that his outside "man" was never who he "really' was. In a sense, he killed himself off, and in my book, that makes me a widow--a trans widow.