Hello Sam,
Thank you so much for your response as I mentioned with Dutchman I am extremely grateful that I found the items you two have written. In my response part of the purpose of writing is for me, I want to be respectful of your time and Dutchmans.
 
You use the word ‘unconditional’, but what does that entail? What does that mean for your wife? Unconditional to me means that I choose her, as you mentioned “free will” with an understanding that this is in fact a decision I make. I am mindful of my love for her, I self-reflect on the love I have for her, and I take actions to ensure I continue loving her. For example, in this situation I am finding some shortcomings on my own side and complacency in which this new revolution has helped me realize I can be a better husband. To my wife, I have no idea what this means to her? I have never asked her that question, I have told her I love her unconditionally, but you bring up a good point and I should go through the process in understanding how she feels and understand what this means. Thank you.

How did she gain here confidence about her feelings towards being lesbian? This is a great question and great way to word it. As I understand it now and when I self-reflect on our past there were signs, but in those moments prior to her saying this there was nothing specific that stood out and brought clarity.  She and I assumed she was bisexual. I am trying not to speculate on things like is there another woman in your life, and I haven’t had the opportunity to ask these questions yet. She moves at a different speed than I do with her emotions, and it takes her more time. At this time, I have told her that I have lots of questions and right now I am not in a hurry, that we have time. I will respond in a PM with more clarifying response in which she told me, as I need to keep some information private to the general public.

The result is that your partner's “perspective” and “feelings” are now acceptable, legitimate, and no longer a secret. They have a place in your marriage. I have always wanted her perspectives and feelings to be legitimate with no secrets. I welcome and I am grateful she was able and willing to tell me. Although, I have doubt and I haven’t clarified that she knows of believes me when I say this. As I mentioned I realize I have some shortcomings and one them is not truly being there and listening to her deeper feelings. I am hoping she is willing to give me the opportunity to change.

“Even the cultural pillar that normalizes that you MUST motivate your wife in all forms and perspectives to develop herself, because otherwise you are denying her. A perspective in which all nuance is gone and there is no longer any question of equality. In which your wife has no say over her feelings, choices, and will, and is left to her emotional fate”. This is a very eye-opening statement, thank you. I will ask her if she is willing to write and communicate with you. My wife and I are very different. I will provide more information in the PM.

Thank you both so much

Hi Samantha,
Reading about your relationship with Dutchman is encouraging. I have been looking for hope as I navigate the early days of my wife coming out. We have been married 13 years, together for 15. This discovery has been very destabilizing for our relationship, though I know we are both acting with bravery, integrity and care for one another. My wife has described this awakening of her sexuality as exciting, empowering, and healing. It is something she never gave voice to or thought it would speak so loudly once she admitted she is a lesbian. I am glad she is having such an empowering response to this admission, I want to support that, but the aspect I am really struggling with is her desire to act on these feelings now. Not just in pursuing other sexual partners, but also in forming deep emotional bonds within another relationship. For me, monogamy is very foundational to how I value marriage, and I don't know how to process this request she is so restless to act on. Internally she may have been processing these feelings her whole life, years certainly, but for me this shift is all new and I worry that the amount of time I would need to adapt securely isn't going to be fast enough for her. I have asked for patience while I try to get my nervous system under control, to avoid making any big decisions while overwhelmed. She has said she can give me more time, but her actions show me that she is really impatient, that being gay is a sexual identity, and that without the act of having sex with women she wouldn't be able to thrive. She already found someone online and they are talking logistics of when to meet in person, just three weeks after I gave tentative consent.
I guess what I want to ask is if some distance would help our situation? Would us staying connected but living apart for a couple of years while she goes to grad school be helpful in these early days? Or is that just a delaying strategy for closure?  My thinking is that she could go experience these feelings at the pace she wants without it being such a persistent presence in my day to day. It would give me time to emotionally stabilize while raising our daughter and go at my own pace to reflect and potentially adapt without feeling constantly pressured to consent. Help! I'm trying to find a solution that can care for both our hearts and needs equally. 
Thanks

Last edited by misterb eloto (April 16, 2026 3:58 pm)

Hi Misterb,
first and foremost, I’m sorry you have to go through this painful time. And in a way, say goodbye to life as it was. These are certainly not easy circumstances to deal with within your relationship. It’s been quite an emotional time leading up to all this, reading your story—moving and loss due to COVID-19. It seems like a lot has been piling up.
 
That brings me straight to my first thought: I’d like to advise you to find a therapist or counselor together who can help you process this emotional baggage. Because it’s possible that at least part of the issue—and the seeking/escaping into a kind of sexual release—is being confused with a much deeper problem stemming from grief and the loss of friendship, leading to an earnest search for deep emotional connection and intimacy.
 
In your post, you mentioned that you two communicate well, but what I (as an outside observer) understand is that your wife is primarily focused on highlighting her sexual changes rather than your relationship. But your relationship isn’t something you can just brush aside for the sake of your own feelings. Doing so means you’re treating your heterosexual partner’s feelings and your relationship very casually and with disinterest, expecting them to simply adapt to your agenda.
So in that sense, too, it’s extremely important to seek couples therapy and find good professional help.
 
As for the question you’re asking me, no, I don’t think breaking up (temporarily) will solve the problem.
Make no mistake: it’s not up to you to decide whether you should (perhaps) change your (emotional and moral) values, trust, and the foundations of your beliefs overtime or put them at risk. Love does not mean that you have to change your perspective for the sake of lust and pleasure that only goes one way—and that is not your way.
Her (changed) preference does not give her preferential treatment with regard to your feelings and being. What she now sees as her “right to individual preference and change” is nothing more than a relinquishment of the responsibility you have towards your relationship and promises.
 
Breaking up, even if only for a limited time, simply gives her the opportunity to nurture and indulge her own feelings and sexual preferences. It opens the door to a freedom to explore and act out what she’s already immersed in anyway. The only result is that you fade further into the background and become less important compared to these increasingly prominent feelings. Feelings that can no longer be restrained in a marriage as you envision it.
If she were to use that time entirely to reflect on the relationship, remaining completely celibate and faithful to you, without even the slightest inclination toward a lesbian relationship—in which, for example, you meet weekly to discuss what has emerged from those reflections. Perhaps with the help of couples therapy. Then it could be beneficial.
But that’s not what I’m reading from your story.
Or, which is unlikely, you yourself become a completely different person during that time—someone who no longer prioritizes intimacy and sexual feelings towards his wife, who is monogamous and faithful, yet has to share his wife (or ends up losing her) to someone else.
 
It's not you who needs to think things through and take the time to do so. It's your wife who needs to seriously ask herself what she wants to choose. By honestly looking at what she has and what she's giving up. Or what she's asking you to give up, because that goes so much deeper than just running a household together.
If she doesn’t do that, then you’re dealing with the devastating effect of her one-sided thinking.
 
The principles, values, and view of love and connection that you represent and hold dear are no less important and certainly not secondary to her craving for physical fulfillment with another woman.
If your wife has this desire and bases her identity on seeking fulfillment in a relationship with another man, you would ALSO know that your interests as a husband are being eroded.
She is married, so in that fundamental sense, they are the same.
When your wife says she’s “giving time” but clearly shows impatience, that’s called demanding and asserting her own interests at the expense of the other person—you. And that “you” is her husband. The husband to whom she has promised fidelity, with whom she is one, and with whom she has shared intimacy. 
 
So it is extremely important that she thinks deeply and carefully about what she wants from her marriage, without rose-colored glasses that make everything seem better with the woman she wants to be intimate with. Or to base her entire identity on feelings, pleasure, and personal fulfillment. 
Support (or love for that matter) has nothing to do with paving the way for your gay partner.
Support (or love for that matter) has nothing to do with actively confirming your wife’s gay feelings while you stand on the sidelines, smiling as you watch your dreams go up in smoke.
It doesn’t mean you have to cheer on your wife’s new feelings.
Support (and love for that matter) means lovingly embracing your partner and telling her that she can take refuge with you despite all her insecurities, and that you’ll cry and talk together over the changed situation and continue searching together for the path you can or want to take confirming eachothers feelings and loss. So supporting in the steps you’ll both take. Acknowledging eachother feelings to the depth. That is a patience I would want to identify with.
Because that is going together to whatever choice that ultimately results in, however painful it might be, going forward together or separating paths and letting go. Communication, transparency and love and respect for eachother’s emotions.  
 
Well, I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.
And I wish you both a lot of wisdom.

Last edited by SamanthaNL (April 18, 2026 9:49 pm)