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1 of 1- Lostandconfused1234
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How culture has changed.
I watched an episode of Roseanne today that was relevant to this forum. For those who don't know, it was a comedic TV show that ran in the late 80s through the 90s.
Roseanne and her sister went to a gay bar with their lesbian friend. During the night the lesbian friend's girlfriend kisses Roseanne. Roseanne approached her gay friend about it the next day because she was concerned about her cheating. However her friend already knew and was cool with. The end of the episode she tells her husband Dan (after "I'm not gay" sex), who is mad about it, until he finds out it's a woman. At which point he hints to it as fantasy of his. Then the episode ends and I guess they never talk about it again.
I looked at this from the lens of my experience and realized that back then the concept was a punchline. Now it's so real for so many people. Also it would've been so nice if in real life when when she disclosed, we could've laughed about it and the credits would roll and forget all about it. Now it's just a reality we both live with.
Anyway thats my rant. The good news is that it didn't trigger PTSD for me so I guess I'm healing.
- freedmyself
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Re: How culture has changed.
Lost, it's funny/not funny that TV shows wrap things up in a neat little bow.
I recently re-watched the first episode of Friends, where the setup for Ross's character is that he's getting a divorce because his wife fell in love with a woman. Of course it's without nuance and I don't expect anything else - except there's a piece of me that resents it being played for humor. I know, I know - it's part of the human condition, trying to find humor in difficult situations. Still, it landed oddly for me.
- Blackie563
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Re: How culture has changed.
Lostandconfused1234 wrote:
Anyway thats my rant. The good news is that it didn't trigger PTSD for me so I guess I'm healing.
There is no better sign that you are healing than not being triggered by such things. I can't tell you how many shows I watched in the past where I struggled with the anger....but that seems like a lifetime ago. The reality is, some people would like this situation. I didn't, not at all what I signed up for. Some fantasy's need to be just that, fantasy. Maybe I am just older (I'm really not, I am 46). Thanks for sharing, good reminder for how far we have come.
- walkbymyself
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Re: How culture has changed.
I think that a lot of gay men still regard the straight wife as a punchline. I notice both of these episodes involved women in same sex relationships, which straight men often regard as a turn-on.
"Call Me By Your Name" gets me angry. Even though the mother/wife isn't made as a punchline, she's still portrayed as a vulnerable little child who is best protected by everyone -- even her own son -- keeping her in the dark about her husband's sexuality.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- broomhilda2
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Re: How culture has changed.
I started dating someone for the first time since I divorced my ex 3 years ago. The man recently invited me over for dinner and to watch the movie Velvet Goldmine. I had heard it was really good; he explained it was a fictional movie about David Bowie, Iggy Pop, and others during the glam era... great music, etc...
WELL, I wasn't prepared for all the gay. It is touted as "a seminal queer film exploring 1970s glam rock through a lens of bisexuality, androgyny, and fluid sexuality, heavily featuring gay culture "
My C-PTSD was triggered.
I had not yet told him about what happened to me and during the movie he'd make a joke here and there about how he couldn't be gay... I was very uncomfortable & self-conscious the rest of the night. Just wanted to go home.
I told him last weekend that my ex was full-blown gay. He used to be in a band with my husband 13 years ago and knows that we were together for 30 years, so it was awkward & embarrassing but he was kind.
@walkbymyself - thanks for the warning about "Call Me by Your Name". I never want to see it!
- misterb eloto
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Re: How culture has changed.
In pop culture it is startling to look back at movies and narratives from my childhood in the 80's and 90's like Indiana Jones to see how helpless and codependent women were portrayed, and what stereotypes were perpetuated about the ideal alpha masculine. I never felt my values or identity aligned with those narratives, but the gender fluid conversations that have become part of the popular zeitgeist have also felt foreign to my sense of self. Are there any pop culture characters and situations that really reflect your experiences and beliefs? I haven't found myself portrayed yet; perhaps I am too moderate and introspective, and it is drama and action that sells.
- lily
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Re: How culture has changed.
Hi misterb eloto, I have read your posts and responding to all of them at once here. Firstly sorry you find yourself here but it's a good place for a straight spouse to get support, wherever you are in the marital stakes. Breathe easy, take your time, look after yourself - discovery of the discrepancy between what you believed and the truth of the matter is a painful experience, it gets better in a little time as your mind and memory catches up.
The impression I get is that you are a straight spouse - emotionally wired for a monogamous pairing with a woman. It is the same for straight women, we too are emotionally wired for monogamy. IMO a lot of the cheating that goes on in marriages is due to a hidden incompatibility and the desire to move on in both spouses.
Your wife isn't wanting to hide it any more - she is attracted to women. There's a saying in the older crew - bi now, gay later. This is because so many people who identify as bisexual in their youth turn out to be gay in their middle age.
I'm 71 now. When you meet and spend a bit of time with a real straight couple who have grown old together there is a light happy feeling between them. So different to the more plentiful ones with the straight / bisexual spouse. Neither are happy. Emotionally speaking, it seems to bite more as we age not less.
As Rob, another poster here, said - when my wife is going out with her girlfriends are they going shopping or are they having sex - why should I have to worry.
and my little saying to encapsulate how I feel - a straight needs a straight.
Last edited by lily (April 13, 2026 10:43 pm)
- Lostandconfused1234
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Re: How culture has changed.
If I had to pick one, it's probably the newest Superman movie (I know it sounds dumb but stick with me). Lois wasn't a helpless damsel in distress, but wasn't some sort of Mary sue who could go toe to toe with the main villain. Likewise Superman had powers and was physically strong, but he was more defined by his emotional vulnerability. They both relied on each other, but we're by no means co-dependent. His character resonates with the better parts of men in general. The desire to protect others and to help those in need, not some sort of macho stereotype. But movies and shows like that are far few in between. They're generally ham fisted with depictions of race, gender, and sexuality so they can pander to the largest crowds possible. Usually this causes the characters to be very bland, only known by that one thing the producers defined so they can check a box.
Narrowing in on our situation, there are shows now that either villainize straight spouses (they're mean, absent or abusive) or they're ok with their spouse being gay. Then divorcing and riding off into the sunset, never to be heard from again because no one wants to deal with that. Yes these are possible scenarios. No, I am neither one of these things. It's far from the punchline it once was, but society is still not ready to take a serious look at the effects on the straight spouse. So here we are on this forum 😂
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Thread Starter- Alex1984
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Re: How culture has changed.
Hi Lost,
I totally agree, but I also see the acceptance starting to trickle through.
I think the role of couples like ours is education. It's a very important role. Couples like ours finally blend together the traditional and queer worlds - which should have never been apart. Unfortunately, queer people had to rebel to be seen (or even just to be safe), but our goal is to show that there's no need for rebellion anymore. Everyone can just be seen and accepted the way they are.
I'm plotting a big LinkedIn coming out this pride month. I have a decent follower base - it would be fun!
Speaking of social media - finding a gay husband became a modern obsession on Instagram. Young women are soooo exhausted by the straight men (influenced by Manosphere and patriarchy), they want to build families with gay and bi men, who are not ashamed of their femininity. It's kind of a joke, but when jokes get so big - you question how much of a joke they really are.
A post is brewing in my head about queerness (both male and female) being an antidote to misogyny - watch this space, will post it once thoughts form.