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1 of 1- Chiquita433
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My husband left me out of the blue, and then I found out he was gay
Hi -
I'm 53 my husband is 49 and we've been married for almost 4 years, together about 6. He is my second husband, I'm his first marriage. Everything was spectacular for the first 5.5 years. We did a lot together. However, we created a lot of debt, but all in my name. He didn't have great credit, and I helped him clear it up. I made some poor financial choices because I trusted my husband.
He left me 2 weeks ago, and blamed it on financial troubles, and that I mistreated his parents over the holidays when they visited (untrue). He bought a house behind my back. He had been talking to a divorce lawyer and slowly moving things out over the course of 2 months. To a storage unit, that I was paying for and I thought was for the extra things in our house we didn't have room for. He moved out while I went to Florida to visit my best friend, and basically abandoned me financially and physically.
He left an old laptop at my house, and knowing his password, I logged in. There it was, all the proof that he was gay and had been on gay hookup sites, sharing nude photos, soliciting meet ups, back to 2012 and probably even before. He had been doing this for the whole of our relationship.
I cannot get my head around the fact that he's gay. He blames me for everything. I have not told him I know he's gay yet. He tried to tell me a week before he left me that our finances were a mess, and that he "might be bisexual". He's not even slightly bisexual from what I can tell, as he didn't have one picture of a woman on his laptop. Aside of me.
How did I not see this? This is the man that drove 10 hours round trip every weekend for almost a year when he was working a few cities away. To see me. He stood on my momma's porch and married me, told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him and that he would never leave me. He begged me regularly not to ever leave him as he would be devastated. Now I wonder if it was all lies, if he ever loved me?
Is this really my fault? Why is he being so cruel to me now? He cut off all communication the night he left me. He wouldn't take my calls, ignored my texts, emails etc. I contacted his parents because I was at a loss as to why he left me (before I discovered he was gay). They were no help.
What do I do now, besides get a divorce? I can't stop loving him inside. I just want it to stop. He's been nothing but nasty to me, and I can't help but wonder how he could be this way to someone he said he loved more than anything in the world. Was it all just lies???
Thanks for listening.
- walkbymyself
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Re: My husband left me out of the blue, and then I found out he was gay
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Honestly, he sounds like a con artist and really you need a good lawyer.
You sound like you're really beating yourself up. I know how these things can happen: my husband spent years projecting his dishonesty on to me, while I was projecting my honesty on to him. Ultimately, he was stealing and socking away money from the very earliest days of our marriage and I never suspected a thing.
They know exactly how to choose their victims. I know there's an expression "You can't cheat an honest man" but honest women get cheated all the time.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- freedmyself
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Re: My husband left me out of the blue, and then I found out he was gay
Chiquita, this is a terrible experience for a lot of reasons, and a big one is the looking into the past and wondering if any of it was ever real. I think it's really hard to know. I went through this phase myself, wanting to somehow figure out what clues I missed. What ended my phase of wanting to figure out the past is not that I got answers, but that I did a lot of therapy and work on myself to let go of needing to know.
Would I still like to know? Hell yeah. And I'm never going to, because my GXH will not respond truthfully to any questions regarding when he started seeing his now-boyfriend, and why he thought it was ok to marry me even though I think he knew he was attracted to men (we were married twenty years). He's living in his own made-up story, where I think he probably believes he's the hero and not the jackass that his actions would more accurately indicate.
In addition to consulting a lawyer like Walk suggested, I think finding a therapist would really help. One thing I went through after my GXH came out was that I became hyperfocused on him, and his experience, and what was he doing. It took therapy, and distance, and time, and a lot of work to shift my focus to me and my experience, where it belonged.
It may not seem like it now, but the fact that he cut off communication from you might turn out to be a blessing. He's showing you who he really is. Believe him, and take care of yourself.
- Rob
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Re: My husband left me out of the blue, and then I found out he was gay
Chiquita,
No its not your fault. We gave true absolute love...he gave ...something else. Like 60% love with 40% held back for his gay half?
As to the lies and meanness..yes its not something we could do. Ive had years to think about it and all I can is my GX has a "broken moral core".
Move on and get far away from these broken people. There are plenty of good moral people on the world..some of them even gay. But our spouses are not one of them.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- walkbymyself
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Re: My husband left me out of the blue, and then I found out he was gay
Rob, that is beautifully put. Even after all this time, I'm beating up on myself.
Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
- brokencatholicgirl
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Re: My husband left me out of the blue, and then I found out he was gay
I like what you said walkbymyself when you said he was projecting his dishonesty on you and you your honesty on him. I really relate to that myself. But like Rob says (even with our own self delusion involved) ultimately it is not our fault. That guilt part of grief though... it can be hard to avoid sometimes. Feeling sick with grief is probably normal from time to time. Just wish I could skip that whole irrational part of this healing process. Sometimes I feel like I could totally be wrong and his lies could be true, even though I know that's crazy with the things I know now. I guess it could be because I thought that way for decades..? I'm sorry Chiquita that you are going through this. I relate with that wanting to know what was true and a lie a lot as well. I guess we may never know, because we can't get in their heads. I hope you find lots of support and more and more moments of peace over time.
Last edited by brokencatholicgirl (March 23, 2026 1:58 pm)
I learned from experience that joy does not reside in the things about us, but in the very depths of the soul, that one can have it in the gloom of a dungeon as well as in the palace of a king.
-St. Therese of Liseux