lily wrote:

"​I haven’t yet spoken to friends/family simply because my partner hasn’t yet decided whether or not to disclose."

I had guessed this would be the situation - I'm suggesting you look for family/friends you can confide in - ie they will keep your conversation private.  

This marriage is not just her story, it's your story too.  And you have every need to tell it, to talk about what is happening to you, particularly with your own family and friends.  when you don't talk about this with them you are in effect hiding the truth of yourself from them - it is very isolating.

Looking down, being able to see your feet on the ground - this is the first step in facing up to the future.

Thought, you are doing a great job of talking this through, please continue to post if you'd like to.

  

Thanks for this. Yeah, someone I could confide in is my therapist (currently inactive, but I can re-activate that conversation at any time.)

Lostandconfused1234 wrote:

I have dealt with this to a certain extent myself, but inevitably it all comes down to one question. And it's one that most straight partners forget while trying to save their marriage and appease their partner.

What do YOU want?

In all of the madness we tend to forget ourselves and focus on the other person. They are clearly communicating what they want and hoping you will be understanding. And that's fine however, you make more trouble for yourself if you don't have clearly established boundaries for what you want. My recommendation is always to figure what YOU want. Are you ok with being married to a person of a gender you're not attracted to? That's a question I'm sure your partner has struggled with but one you probably haven't truly considered. Remove all of the societal implications and the gender/sexuality debate and decide what you want and what you are attracted to. Unfortunately the answer may lead to divorce, but you will have a better understanding of yourself and hopefully save both of you heartache down the road. Alternatively, your spouse may decide that some of their wants do not outweigh yours and will compromise to save the relationship. But it requires work on both ends.

My wife tends to express herself in a somewhat masculine way. But she's kind of always been that way. She's always hated dresses and expressed to me that she will never wear one again. I don't feel like her wearing a dress is important enough for me to want to end our marriage so I don't press the issue. But if she decided that she wanted to be another gender other than female? That would be a deal breaker for me because I'm strongly attracted to women. Taking on a whole nother gender has farther reaching implications than just the clothes she wears.

Anyway, there is no wrong or right answer here. Take morality and judgement out of the equation and just ask yourself "What do I want?"

This is all pretty useful stuff, and interestingly when I look at general relationship the issue becomes clearer to a degree. In those moments where I realise that relationships aren't perfect and you don't get what you want, I feel more like staying because other than this issue, the relationship is genuinely good and has been historically.

That said, the gender issue is real, and something that has triggered us both. In reading the guide for LGBTQ spouses coming out, I can be fairly sure my partner has (probably unwittingly) not followed them. (Ie: not being clear with me, not allowing space for grief/shock/anger, putting the emphasis on me to be attracted to the new version of them etc.) I want to be sure I'm not being gaslit or even worse, and that's why solo therapy is the place I go next.

If it's simply that we're human and they've just fallen short of what is needed for a difficult conversation, I can live with that. However, I'm not sure at this point if I can erase/forget the past, and I know my natural inclination is for feminine traits in a partner, traits my partner is rejecting. Back to your point - does it matter? If there's space for me to like what I like, then maybe yes. All the signs I am getting is there isn't that space. For me real acknowledgement of that is truly needed to move forwards here.

But all in good time, and ideally in a neutral space with a therapist to unpack it.

Last edited by thoughtuweresleeping (March 2, 2026 5:55 pm)

Hi Thought, 

Glad to hear you're headed for individual therapy.  

Undoubtedly it's hard to know in the present moment if you're being gaslit, or if she is truly confused.  The fact that she said she's afraid you'll leave is important to remember - it's entirely possible that you not leaving could take priority over telling you how she really feels. 

Pardon me for being so blunt, but in your discussion of clothing and attraction, I have to wonder if the two of you have the same sex life now that you had before she cut her hair and decided she couldn't bear to wear a dress?  That seems like it would be a fairly important indicator - whether it's just appearance, or whether she's feeling a different-than-advertised sexuality bubbling to the surface. 

Also, just a heads up that in more liberal LGBT-friendly communities (I happen to live in one), it is easy to feel Rainbow-washed.  It's where anyone who is a supportive ally for the queer community is too busy cheering for the person coming out, living their true life, being so brave, etc to notice the damage to their spouse, who signed up for a straight marriage with a straight person of the opposite sex.  Be careful not to rainbow-wash yourself.  It's possible that you are so thoughtful and empathetic to your wife that you forget that YOU have needs and desires, and that YOU are having an experience here that is EQUAL to the experience your wife is having.  

This is a tough spot, where you are - it's shifting ground, as she doesn't know (or can't yet say) who she is or what she wants.  It's not too early to think about your own values in a relationship, and start to consider (hopefully with your therapist) what you can accommodate to stay together as a couple, and what is over the line for you. 
 

Thanks Elle -
I bet y'all can guess how I know about rainbow washing yourself!

Wisdom is so hard-won.