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1 - thoughtuweresleeping
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How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
Hi folks, and thanks to Our Path for providing a space to talk about these things. In many ways this story is about a big little thing. So I'm a straight guy (he/him) in my mid-40s and my partner (AFAB, they/she) is a similar age. We've been together for 12 years, and had a child together. In the last few years, my partner has been questioning lots of aspects of gender identity, and perhaps understandably it has raised emotions for both of us. What I'm trying to work out is whether this has been handled fairly, and whether there are any topics I can raise to help us find a way forward, whatever that looks like. For context, I was raised in a house of women with almost no male figures around and most of my friends over the years have been female, or men with what I'd describe as a somewhat feminine energy. This means that I very much like these elements in a partner, and I’m still very much attracted to the binary aka: a male-female setup. Our relationship is 95% good, and built on mutual respect and all the basic foundations you’d want in a relationship, which is why this is so tricky. When we met we were very much him and her. My partner described themselves as "girlfriend" and seemed to me to be comfortable in that identity for the longest time. Looking back though, I can see some signs that they may have been questioning a few things around sexuality and gender before I was on the scene. Early on in the relationship I learned of an earlier experience my partner had with another woman (which I now believe may be more than one.) This was presented to me as being in the past and even an experiment that didn't work, so bi-sexuality wasn’t a thing at that point. Really that is the only hint of anything outside the typical that comes to mind for me. Where things came to a head was maybe a few years after our child was born, a good 8-9 years into the relationship. I'm not the sort of guy that expects a woman to dress up pretty for me, and I actively encourage not following the trend of getting dolled up to go to the shops etc. But what started as a short haircut (for practicality - which I also understood) became a slow rejection of all their female presenting clothes which went to a charity shop, in favour mens clothes (boxers, jeans, jumpsuits, workout gear etc). They also took on what’s often described in the non-binary community as the “boy” haircut. And looking back I could see how enthused and delighted they were to listen to non binary people int he public eye. They did (in passing) mention something about being non-binary once and also shared a podcast with me about the subject and did say it would be good to chat about it a bit more. But it hasn’t been what I often hear about which is this long yearning for something true and deep inside, then an explosion when they can’t take it any more. Even the other day they said “I sortof feel ‘a bit’ non-binary.” So even when talking about it now, they are not 100% conclusive. I came to the conclusion this is because they are not willing to disclose the whole truth for fear of ending the relationship - or they are genuinely working on it. So we've talked about the future of the relationship and most of our energy has been on preserving it, which I think is right in the context of having a child in the mix. The hardest part of this for me though, is probably the open-ended nature of it. I know these are things that take a long time to work out and that people are complex. So I expressed pretty much what I feel is right: which is that I support and love them, and that I want them to be happy. I also expressed my needs and at that point it got a bit tricky. The honest truth is my partner has broken down a few times in the last few years and said “I’m worried you’ll leave.” Putting 2 and 2 together, this now appears to be them intuitively picking up the fact their appearance is changing and I’m less enthusiastic about that. When we spoke about it, they expressed that I should not say that I “miss” the old version of them, nor should I describe them as “feminine” or use female gendered words about the way they look. They also said that if this relationship were to end there is no guarantee that the next partner would be a man. While trying to respect what they are going through, it does feel a bit like the weight of “what next” has been shifted onto me. In my lowest moments, there’s a bit of this that feels a bit like gaslighting going on. From my perspective, I’m being told that despite getting into a relationship with a straight woman, I now need to sign up to a new relationship agreement (sorry Sheldon) with someone who may be non-binary (this is totally fine) and who may be bi-sexual (this is also not off the table for me, but my preference is for a female partner.) Perhaps more importantly, I’m being asked to sign up to a relationship where I cannot express my love for who this person was, for their femininity, and I must also put my attraction to feminine traits into the closet (this feels very much not fine.)
I also feel like I have the pressure of them yearning me to be as attracted to them as I was in the first part of the relationship, which I am not because of that natural attraction to feminine things. I also feel like it’s now me carrying the burden of whether the relationship will stay together, and whether my family will stay as a unit. I’ll close with a story about clothes. A few months ago my partner wore a dress very, very briefly. It’s stupid but my heart genuinely fluttered in the way it did in the early days. After a few minutes they tore it off, almost in disgust that they let themselves be dragged into the hell of the patriarchy. While again, I am in agreement that society and gender constructs is all very silly, we can still have a primal response to something. I guess we both did in that moment. Later on when they changed to hen they were wearing their jumpsuits and other more male oriented clothing, I could see how happy they were. And again I feel pretty dreadful that I’m thinking “yeah... I don’t get the same feeling from that...” Urgh. So yeah. I’m not sure what this is about but I would love a words of advice, or just a sense check. This isn’t mumsnet, but AIBU? Do I need to do more to accommodate my partner here, or do they need to find some space for my needs within that context? Given that we’re not talking about medical transition, or a wholehearted commitment to bi-sexual non-binary, it feels right to take time to explore this. It just feels that the compromises are all on one side at the moment. And I can’t see a way of me getting my needs without violating this new identity. I’d be really grateful for any comments/pointers, or ideas for navigating a space where both partners can find a balance that affirms the new identity while respecting the preferences of the person who is not changing. Phew. That’s a lot. Sorry and thanks.
Last edited by thoughtuweresleeping (February 28, 2026 11:07 am)
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
thoughtuweresleeping wrote:
.....So I'm a straight guy (he/him) in my mid-40s and my partner (AFAB, they/she) is a similar age......
Welcome Thoughtuweresleeping. Cool name 😊 but I'll just call you Thought 🤔
Right away you describe yourself and your partner using pronouns so I'm guessing you've fallen into the languages of affirmation. I'm assuming you do this to keep the peace? I'm not saying that's wrong but you have to weigh that up with what it will eventually do to your r'ship.
I guess the best question to ask is... Do you believe
that a person can change sex, can be born in the wrong body?
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
Hi Thought - nice post, sorry you are going through this. I'm guessing just writing it out is helping you gain some clarity.
You wonder if you are being gaslighted, that is a concern, so many of us here have been. So my suggestion is that you take a step back - don't respond for a second or two, just watch and see what she does.
It's your observation that will help you answer that question.
At the least you will know how much trouble you're in. Look after yourself a lot.
Wishing you all the best, Lily
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
"I also feel like it’s now me carrying the burden of whether the relationship will stay together, and whether my family will stay as a unit"
This....is classic "passing the buck" so you take on the responsibility and shoulder the blame for the way your partner wishes to change the dynamic of the r'ship.
Straight up Thought.... Do you want to be in a long-term r'ship with a woman (she's female, she was BORN a female, nobody ASSIGNED her...her SEX was observed at birth and recorded. She has xx chromosomes and that will never change)....who can't decide who she is?
Y'know... People can be whoever they want to be, be as non-binary as they like, wear whatever they're comfortable in...but when you take a fundamental truth and then confuse the people who are loving and supporting you... the responsibility should be acknowledged and shared by both people.
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 28, 2026 1:25 pm)
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- thoughtuweresleeping
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
nice post, sorry you are going through this. I'm guessing just writing it out is helping you gain some clarity.
Thanks yes, that's it! I did listen to a lot of shows with OurPath and it seems like a good place to share. It is helping me to gain clarity. This is of course very difficult. A lot of society places great emphasis on people performing male and female traits, so in one way it feels like by affirming my attraction to female traits I am essentially "part of the problem." But equally there are just some things that are just kinda "there" in your preferences for physical looks. This isn't so much me demanding this, but more expressing confusion about being asked to keep that to myself. This can change day to day. Some days I think "this is fine, it's just labels and stuff" and others I feel like I actually do want those things. I guess the podcast that inspired me was the one where the couple stay together and find space for what they like with each other. Your point about stepping back may be good now we've aired our concerns/thoughts.
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Thread Starter- thoughtuweresleeping
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
Straight up Thought.... Do you want to be in a long-term r'ship with a woman (she's female, she was BORN a female, nobody ASSIGNED her...her SEX was observed at birth and recorded. She has xx chromosomes and that will never change)....who can't decide who she is?
Y'know... People can be whoever they want to be, be as non-binary as they like, wear whatever they're comfortable in...but when you take a fundamental truth and then confuse the people who are loving and supporting you... the responsibility should be acknowledged and shared by both people.
Elle
Yeah this is a fair point. If we take biological sex and identity, that's 2 things. On the biological front, I am for sure only interested in relationships with women, or AFAB. In terms of their identity, they could be female, or non-binary but with what the community describe as "femme" traits, or what I would describe as "feminine." I historically always found myself attracted to women who often dress down or adopt the tomboy look primarily, but who also pair that with occasional dresses and so on. I actually used to think this was a fun way of playing within a gender, and without following norms. Like I say, I've never been attracted to heavy make up and "girlie girls" for want of a better description. But I do like feminine traits, and now they're not there, I do notice.
In the case of my partner I can see their need to perhaps distance themselves from their previous identity to rebuild it. It's funny, in so many ways, attraction is just a really small piece - the cherry on the top if you will. But in others it really matters. My hope is they find happiness and flourish in a newer identity that works for them. However in doing this, we need to continue to discuss if it's possible for me to have my needs met, and my innate attraction recognised, without invalidating what they are doing. It's a tricky one for sure.
Tricky! But thanks for your pointers.
Last edited by thoughtuweresleeping (February 28, 2026 6:30 pm)
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
Some days I think "this is fine, it's just labels and stuff" and others I feel like I actually do want those things.
My observation is that amongst all the complexities, sexual orientation is very stable. like you don't get people with literally eyes in the back of their head, it seems to me that sexual orientation is in that realm of stability and the magnetism, the spark of sexual attraction goes one way. It's like a friend who thought of himself as bisexual because he was feeling attracted and wanting to date first a man then a woman so I asked him if you ask yourself who do I fantasise about to masturbate his reply was instantaneous - why Brad Pitt of course. I will add my observation that the love he felt for the men was a full-blown romantic love while the love for the women was a more easygoing softer thing.
Though I have to say imo the more important question is are you caught in a manipulative relationship - because if you are then you might need to rescue yourself. Do you have friends or family you can confide in? getting feedback on the ground can help enormously.
- thoughtuweresleeping
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
Some days I think "this is fine, it's just labels and stuff" and others I feel like I actually do want those things.
Though I have to say imo the more important question is are you caught in a manipulative relationship - because if you are then you might need to rescue yourself. Do you have friends or family you can confide in? getting feedback on the ground can help enormously.
Yeah I mean, I’ve asked myself that question. Being blunt and honest, I genuinely think the answer is no. I very much doubt my partner would be manipulative purely based on knowing partners who were. I do believe they could have spoken up more, and offered me space to process this. It's just "sortof happened." My strong feeling is this is more of an accidental consequence than deliberate misleading. Everyone on that journey has their own struggles. I haven’t yet spoken to friends/family simply because my partner hasn’t yet decided whether or not to disclose. When I’ve read up about this, I hear that it is important for the fixed identity partner to affirm their partners new identity. But I don’t hear as much about how the partner who is creating the new identity should support their partner. The podcast I listened to where the partner seemed in a good place was instructive because while they have saved their relationship - they felt betrayed, and hurt by the change. They talked about not knowing if they could do it, and wanting to leave. What seemed key in this case was how the 2 partners mutually happened to like where the non-binary identity went, and that this would be difficult if they didn’t have that natural feeling. I really empathised with that story. What I really want is to be seen and validated that I have lost and am grieving for something I thought I signed up for. And honestly, I feel like if one partner shifts identity, it’s important to recognise that the whole relationship need to be renegotiated as the non changing partner did not sign up for that. What’s odd about my situation is that I’m relatively put together and factual about it, and my partner is the one who is feeling the emotional pressure when I ask for clarity, to understand what's on/off limits. It's all a bit defensive which again, I understand. I tried to look into the psychology of this a little more in terms of relationships. Men (in my own experience and talking to others) are often turned on visually. I hear all the time about how husbands and partners over time can come to dislike what their partner wears. Although this can come across as insulting or rejection, it’s usually more about wanting to feel the innate desire they did early in the relationship, but it comes out quite clumsily as “I don’t fancy you…” And it’s probably this baseline issue that we’re dealing with, putting the gender identity to one side for a sec. While visually I absolutely have my preference, I am willing to sit back and watch my partner explore. And let’s be fair, as we all get older eventually, connection doesn't come out of a wardrobe as looks fade. But those visual cues did and do provide that visual spark I mentioned before.Perhaps there’s another version of themselves in there that we haven’t seen yet and that could be really exciting. What's trickier when we talk is that I will talk about things that I can’t think/feel/do that I would do naturally because this would offend/invalidate my partner. But I don’t know how else to raise it. It’s not that I’m unattracted, it’s more that I liked the previous version of their presentation more. In a normal situation, I would be tempted to chalk it up to “that’s life” because relationships are hard and you rarely get exactly what you want. But in doing so it feels like (and only time will tell on this) that could mean me not getting, or having to hide aspects of my own preferences. That’s the really tricky bit. My genuine sense is that they are exploring identity, that this is really important to them and they probably haven’t thought I would care, or they thought I’d accept them regardless. I know they felt that I didn’t comment much on their previous appearance so they have said this as a reason that they were “unaware” I liked the way they dressed before. Though I believe this was implied by us being together. It’s probably time for another chat about that specific aspect, and whether this is workable. We discussed what words my partner needs to hear, but we didn’t get as far as discussing what I might need, and whether my feelings can be held in a space where we don’t invalidate their new identity. It’s really tricky to balance both needs I guess.
Last edited by thoughtuweresleeping (March 1, 2026 10:54 am)
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
.....we need to continue to discuss if it's possible for me to have my needs met, and my innate attraction recognised, without invalidating what they are doing.....
When you have two opposing ways of being and expressing who you are in an intimate r'ship, and unless you both accept your differences and acknowledge that it will never be the same again....somebody will always lose out.
E
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- lily
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Re: How to balance spouse's new identity and your unchanging preferences?
"I haven’t yet spoken to friends/family simply because my partner hasn’t yet decided whether or not to disclose."
I had guessed this would be the situation - I'm suggesting you look for family/friends you can confide in - ie they will keep your conversation private.
This marriage is not just her story, it's your story too. And you have every need to tell it, to talk about what is happening to you, particularly with your own family and friends. when you don't talk about this with them you are in effect hiding the truth of yourself from them - it is very isolating.
Looking down, being able to see your feet on the ground - this is the first step in facing up to the future.
Thought, you are doing a great job of talking this through, please continue to post if you'd like to.
Last edited by lily (March 1, 2026 3:51 pm)