My comments are in red.... 

ConcernedMama wrote:

He presents female but the kids call him dad and use he/him as they always have. This is why i use he/him still, my kids are my compass in this. Good on you for not falling in with the Pronoun Game
The guys who's house it is knows everything. His very conservative mother that doesnt live there but comes over has no idea. She thinks he is a woman. Okay so it's the guy who' owns the house and your children's father who have a problem....who are not being truthful. 
My opinion is....this is not an issue you need to get involved in. You simply need to say, strongly and really mean it, that you are against the children going there til everybody involved actually knows that the kids father is actually a man. 

She isnt there all the time but obviously shows up unannounced sometimes as they were not supposed to meet yet and ended up meeting when she showed up one day. She called him a dike and a carpet muncher because he was there with his new girlfriend. Again...this is not your problem. As the children's father obviously is not concerned with safeguarding his children then it's up to you to protect them from any fallout.

So my concern is if she shows up unannounced while my kids are there and then they out him as trans. Her response will be unpredictable. And I don't want my kids to potentially be a catalyst to a heated conversation between adults because they're just being themselves. So my take is that if she's coming over there regularly and might show up while my kids are there she needs to know the full truth. At the very least there needs to be a plan for if she does show up unannounced while my kids are there that I'm comfortable with and this is kind of where I'm stuck. Because I want to be flexible. But I don't want my kids to be in a time bomb Zone with no contingency plan for the possible explosion. The plan's going to have to be pretty darn good for me to be okay with that I'm being over there and the mom not knowing. "Flexible" is a two-way street. Seems to me you're doing this on your on at the moment. Be stronger, start taking the lead on this.

So far I'm being made out to be overly protective and catastrophizing the situation because she usually is there at a certain time and the chance of her showing up is small from what they're saying. But I also still need to ask clarification on what small actually means. You're not overly-protective or catastrophising! You're a diligent, caring mother. You need to state "no visits til everyone involved knows the truth about his delusion....sorry identity"

We have been in a limbo state for a while. And we are just starting to have these conversations and discuss boundaries and rules. I said that I didn't want anything new until we had these boundaries and rules figured out. And we've been waiting to get into a counselor to talk together because when we try to talk about it on our own it just doesn't work out. So now he's all antsy because it's been a while since he's been over there and he wants the kids to be able to be involved in his life but I'm not seeing enough stability to move forward with it yet. We are currently trying to not go through the courts. Depending on how this goes will pretty much depend on if I go that route or not. Limbo can be a good place to be in if you're unsure your vulnerable children might not be comfortable or safe when visiting their father. Stay strong on this. When your children are older they will thank you for it. 

 

Elle
 

I am in a similar space and don't know what to do.

My ex has gender dysphoria disorder. I saw him recently in public and i barely recognized him. He very much looks like a woman. I continue to use him/he pronouns because he hasn't told me otherwise.

He hasn't told our kids yet (they are young, ages 4-8). I have told him in the past that if he wants me there to provide support to the kids when he tells them, I am willing to do this. He said he was never going to tell them. I think I am the only person he has told.

I know it is not my story to tell but I feel like it is confusing to my kids.

I wish I had an answer for you. Its so confusing and hard. I thought I was over it but seeing my ex recently just made me feel so sad. The person I fell in love with and built a life with is totally gone.